Pandora

Click to follow
SALMAN RUSHDIE sent a copy of his new book to Madonna. She shredded it. "I suppose being shredded by Madonna is a better recommendation than being burnt by fundamentalists," Rushdie says.

u

"THE BARE ARM is to the end of the millennium what the power cleavage was to the Eighties" - Marie Claire. Discuss.

u

O(ASIS) LEVELS? It's best practice for any successful showbiz act to trademark its name. But Oasis's lawyers have filed to protect the Beatles tribute band's moniker for "entertainment and education". Entertainment? Maybe, baby. Education? No way, Jose. The Feuds Corner angle here is that Blur are also doing the trademark thing. But they have no educational pretensions... FYI: Blur's Damon Albarn has been working with Michael Nyman (as heard on The Piano).

u

JERRY SPRINGER'S unlikely to be a serious runner in the Ohio Senate race. The party's senior chamber leader Tom Daschle is no fan of the man who put the trash into trailers. "I don't want him to run. I think he's a joke," Daschle says. "We have a lot of trouble with Jerry Springer."

u

RUPERT EVERETT has an old Labrador called Moise. Quarantine laws keep it stuck in the States. The dog has arthritis, and has been at his master's feet in Manhattan. Everett recently moved back to Los Angeles and whammo! Moise walks! Everett attributes this to "New Age medicine and California sunshine." Pandora attributes it to a PR person with a sideline in faith healing. It's old-school medicine, Sopranos style: "There isn't a cripple left in the neighbourhood since Carmine has been pronouncing those miraculous words: `Walk - or I'll break both your legs.'"

u

NICHOLAS OWEN, ITN's royal correspondent, has just returned from holidaying on the banks of Lake Garda where he was startled, but flattered, to be recognised by an Italian waiter. "Owen... Signor Owen? Michael Owen! You are Michael Owen's father?!" Resisting the lure of a fortnight's free pasta at the Bardolino restaurant, Owen admitted the name's the same but, sadly, football's not his game.

ANOTHER SEDATIVE, Mr Hague? Major's and Lamont's memoirs are both being lined up for publication in time for the blue party conference (Blackpool, 4-7 October). Lamont and Major, last time we looked, were heading for a showdown. Just add Hague, and this looks pointedly triangular...

u

THIS IS Spinal Tap poked fun at the accident-prone life of drummers. Dave Alexander, an advertising guy who does a sideline gig with a soul band, took himself out of action by breaking his wrist. How? "I was leaving a hotel when I tripped over a gnome."

u

MORE ON TGA (Transient Global Amnesia), the strange syndrome where "sufferers" have sex and forget about the act even as it's occurring. Update: most people who experience these rare but sudden attacks are between 50 and 60. It's crumblies growing old disgracefully, isn't it?

u

MICHELLE PFEIFFER won't be rushing to see Deep Blue Sea, Renny Harlin's new uber sharks flick. She has recurring nightmares about tidal waves. "It's always somewhere near a beach. There's always a big wave coming, and I know it's coming. Nobody else does," she says. "Water is so intimidating for me." The 41-year-old star assuages her fears by surfing the Web for storm warnings. "If I go some place that's been hit by tsunamis, I'll know where all the evacuation routes are..." Chill out, honey. You'll find nature has equipped you with two miraculous floatation devices.

u

SHAGGY BIRD STORY: you're fishing down by the pier when a bird swoops down, lands next to you and stares you straight in the eye. "It was the shag that spied me..."

u

OH, AND did someone say "Mini-Me"? It's a reference to the character portrayed by Verne Troyer (pictured) in The Spy Who... But then the Austin- Powers-That-Be remembered some other winning words from the film. They were originally used by Tom Cruise, as the eponymous sports agent hero of Jerry McGuire, and are this week's Phrase That Pays: "You complete me."

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent. co.uk

Comments