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RUPERT MURDOCH: "The problem... is that half the people in Tibet still think the Dalai Lama is the son of God." No - the problem is that you don't know what you're talking about, Mr Murdoch. Fact: Tibetan Buddhists believe the Dalai Lama is the reincarnation of the previous Dalai Lama - and the embodiment of the Buddha of Compassion. This cues another killer competition from Pandora, Princess of All Media - what should Rupert Murdoch be reincarnated as?

MOTORBIKE POLICE decided to blitz speed limit violators in North Wales. Three bikers zooming through a 60mph zone on the A470 rapidly tumbled into their trap; police radar guns clocked the racy troika hitting 110mph. Hot pursuit ensued. But when the helmets came off, all three riders were sheepishly exposed as members of the police force driving the clampdown. The trio (Geraint Jones, Meurig Jones and Ronald James) are all down on a Dolgellau court docket this week.

GAME OVER? Two hours of agony, a week's excruciating scabs, a lifetime of regret. Nic Wiswell and his wife have both had tattoos of computer game characters emblazoned on their arms. The couple hail from Liverpool. Wiswell, 28, downloaded his Nights character from the Net. The wife chose Sega's Sonic the Hedgehog (pictured), currently playing on a Dreamcast console near you. Which is odd, because she works for Sony - manufacturer of Sega's deadliest rival, PlayStation.

EDGY STYLISTS are trying to separate Tibetan monks from their underwear. The fuchsia and tangerine garments that they wear beneath their dull brown robes are, according to the new Harpers & Queen, ne plus ultra when worn as outerwear. Next week: Pandora uses her panties as a hat.

LIAM NEESON won't back down. The actor dispatched an angry letter to Ballymena's town council after they slagged him off for complaining about feeling like "a second-class citizen" when he grew up there. "I am very disappointed that I have to reiterate, yet again," Neeson writes, "that I am very proud of my roots in Ballymena."

CLIVE ANDERSON told his studio audience that when celebrities are reluctant to face him on camera, they say they're busy. No doubt. "Every time our researcher gets in touch with Clive James," Anderson quipped, "he always seems to be washing his hair."

THE NUMBER 22 bus stops outside Harvey Nichols in Knightsbridge this week. It's heaving. Bus conductor says: "Unattached ladies only, please."

KITCHEN BITCHING: forget Dili, paramilitary nutters and Blairite moral crusades. Next month's She startlingly reveals: dishcloths are dangerous. "Half a million are infected each year and symptoms can be so severe that sufferers have been known to have their appendix removed in error."

HIGH-FLYERS? What are Conservative Central Office wonks on? Smith Square's latest briefing document for Blue MPs is "Lines to take - drug use by children".

DON'T BRING FURBY: three airlines have already banned the pesky electro- vermin from their cabins. When activated airside, their bleating signals can interfere with planes' fly-by-wire systems.

GOOD LUCK apparently enters a building not only through doors and windows - it can also move through walls. So a new feng shui paint has - allegedly - "the ability to breathe, allowing air to flow through the coating and so promote the flow of chi..." Feng shui certainly promotes the flow of money.

FIRST WARREN Beatty - now Cybill Shepherd? Shepherd is "seriously considering" a presidential bid, according to the buzz in the Beltway. But why, Cybill? "She wants to protect the right to have a safe and legal abortion," a mouthpiece says, adding that she'd probably run as a Democrat. Can anything stop this politico-celebrity melding? In this case, a few reruns of Cybill should do the trick.

OH AND Michael Portillo is scheduled to speak in a debate next month at the Centre for Policy Studies. Its title? "A Study in Ambivalence".

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