Pandora

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SCENE: CURZON cinema, W1. Event: preview screening of The Matrix. Action: before Keanu Reeves' new sci-fi film starts (and the word is that The Matrix's sfx leave Star Wars for dead), there's a tease trailer for Eyes Wide Shut. First we see a naked redhead. The title on screen is accompanied by a booming voiceover: "Kidman." Then we see a naked stud. Voiced-over title: "Cruise." The naked Cruise and the naked Kidman begin to fondle one another. Voiced-over caption: "Kubrick." The on-screen action is becoming molto torrid as Kidman and Cruise frolic and find rhythm. Caption: "Coming soon." Female voice from within cinema: "I think I just did."

DO THE HUSTLE: a "cyberpsychologist" charges pounds 1 a minute to treat Internet addiction. The service is only available on-line.

DANA INTERNATIONAL (pictured) flounced off stage after tumbling on her rear, Naomi Campbell style, in front of cameras broadcasting the Eurovision song contest from Jerusalem this weekend. So Dana should be thrilled to hear that Israel is building a bridge under the surface of the Sea of Galilee. True story: it's 328ft long; its footpath is just three inches below the waterline - and the bridge is transparent. The effect? Visitors appear to walk on water.

WILL SELF, London's top-gun wordsmith, is fuming. Winston Salem, the subsidiary of "big tobacco" corporation RJR, has suddenly stopped making unfiltered Camel cigarettes. "I've smoked them since I was 12. Man and boy the Camel has accompanied me through the desert of life," Self says. "In Great Apes, I even had characters smoking a brand called Dromedary." So is this a parting of the ways for Will and the weed? "Yeah right," Self snaps back. Instead, he'll celebrate this premature mid-life crisis by diversifying into Cohibas and ultra-mild Silk Cut. Oh, and check out the new edition of Harpers if you haven't already read Self's "The Great Dome" piece. Smokin'!

WHODATHUNKIT: four rocks from Mars land on Earth every month.

SCOTT DRAPER is the first player to arrive for Wimbledon '99. Like other clay court specialists who took part in Paris's Roland Garros tournament, he'll play warm-up contests at Surbiton, Nottingham and Queen's (which Draper won last year) to refresh his grass game before hitting SW19.

MICHAEL HESELTINE is reportedly the eminence gris behind the bold new Euro Tory breakaways. But does he know the backstory of the first-choice guy heading the party's list of London candidates? Professor Stephen Haseler's antecedents include being a Labour member of the GLC, charter member of the SDP and (fascinating for true blues, this) he's also chairman of Republic, the anti-monarchy movement.

LOU REED, at the behest of his parental unit, had electroshock treatment as a teenager to "cure" him of his homosexuality. (Thinks: his parents must've had rocks in their heads). After the subsequent quarter-century chemical romance, Reed is now said to have found a soulmate in Laurie Anderson, the austere American performance artist. And he's clean. Careerwise? It sounds all over bar the royalties.

STEVE POUND (Red, Ealing North) offers this tragic tale about the special cards that suggest if constituents need their MP to call, they should stick the card in their window. Pound says he arrived home late one night to find Pelham, his nine-year-old son, had one displayed in his bedroom window. Are you boasting or complaining, Steve?

WINNER OF Pandora's Saucer of Milk this lap is the English-born, Washington DC-based lobbyist's wife who pitched up at a north London party this weekend. Reflecting on her five years away from these shores, she observed that one metaphor for the difference between American and English life is supermarket fruit. Say what? "The fruit on American supermarket shelves look scrumptious, voluptuous - and big. But when you bite into it, it's utterly tasteless..." Miaow!

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent. co.uk

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