Poetic Licence

1st class honours University of Bike-shed

In an effort to reduce record levels of teenage pregnancies, a pounds 7m Government campaign, launched this week, will invite parents into schools to give them advice on how to discuss sex with their children.

"A luminous watch strapped round the plums.

The radioactivity neutralises the sperms

And she can't possibly get pregnant. Gospel."

"Get her into a hot bath straight afterwards.

Hot as she can take it. And give her loads of gin."

Robert "did it" with Stephanie. All of us agog

over expressos. "It only goes on for about two

minutes you know," he said, knowledgeably.

A johnny-bag. Belonged to Dave's dead dad.

Washable. Re-usable. Issued in Palestine.

When he was in the army. We examined it.

"D'you wanna borrow it then?" Dave asked.

"... a sore about the size of a sixpence,

- on your old chap." Our science master said:

"Then it goes away." An ominous tailing off.

Her four words which punctured the paranoia:

"I came on today." And silence.

"Elastic bands and clingfilm didn't do it. Only fifteen."

Pushing the pram in Pullman Gardens. In school

uniform. Baby started up and he looked panicked.

"Aw nah. Oright then. Where's yore 'kin rattle?"

The podgy parade of teen mums waddling uphill.

After playgroup. Then later, like tagged prisoners

wheeling their wailing burdens around the Co-op.

The kid was never quite right y'know?

She'd jumped off a table loads of times

When she was about three months gone.

"It's sorta gungy." McGuiness was experienced.

"A bit like the inside of your mouth." The four of us

dutifully tested our mouths with our index fingers.

"Yeah I got a little girl back in Gloucester."

Baby-faced labourer homesick for the west,

His lagered-up eyes full of regret.

"I reckon she must be about three by now."

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