Poetic Licence

THE nation was shocked to wake up to the news earlier this week that Mrs Melita Norwood, an 87-year-old great-grandmother from Bexleyheath, spied for the KGB for over 40 years. The Briefing Of Agent 0077
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The Independent Culture
Right 0077. This is "The Clacton".

A standard enough looking shopping trolley

But if you get into a scrape at a Bring'n'Buy

sale, the spike on this one can fire a lethal

cyanide pellet. It might just save your life.

Looks like an ordinary crocheted Victorian

toilet-roll cosy doesn't it? The receiver

actually allows you to eavesdrop on up to

six conversations at once. Even outside

of the Daycare Centre. Oh, and this

hearing-aid translates Russian into English.

...modified from a standard Shopmobility

Vehicle to reach 0-60 mph in 5.2 seconds.

The safety bars convert to an A10-type

tankbuster cannon, capable of taking out

a Variety Club Sunshine Coach.

...Should our KGB friend attempt

to escape in one, of course.

...and although the flask dispenses

ordinary Ovaltine into your cup,

a touch of the concealed button

on the handle here will dose Red Doris

with enough "Sedgemoor" to knock her out

- while you go through her handbag.

Survival rations: Sockeye salmon,

Creamline toffees, Marrowfat peas.

"Bronco" toilet paper (you can't be doing

with that soft modern stuff). Corn plasters,

an elastic bandage. Oh... and Gala pie.

You do like Gala pie, don't you?

The mantle-clock contains an extremely

powerful transmitter. Bounces its signal

off our own satellite and back to Whitehall

from as far away as Worthing British Legion.

On the hour it chimes: "I can't manage

these new 5p coins," then it plays a Gracie

Fields song. Nice little touch, isn't it?

Ah, the fleece-lined, zip-up ankle boots?

I was coming to those...