Welcome to the new Independent website. We hope you enjoy it and we value your feedback. Please contact us here.

Poetic Licence: Sperm Wail

A worldwide study of the male sperm count has been launched. Recent research indicates that global sperm counts have halved in the past 50 years

At seminars in Europe

On propagative fluid,

A group of spermatologists agreed

That lower grades of semen

And shortages of He-men

May indicate the race is going to seed.

The boffins found the problem

With trying to ascertain

That Aphrodite's Evostik is weaker

Was very hard to surmount

When measuring a sperm count

Until they used a calibrated beaker.

How might a tighter trouser

Impair the way we are?

How virile were Nureyev or Nijinsky?

Could presidents of nations

Be worth investigations

Or should we pester Monica Lewinsky?

A plethora of reasons

Was given for our plight

Including lack of fitness and pollution

The doctors say we oughta

Soak tackle in iced water

Which may provide us with a new solution

So will a growth in numbers

Of fellows firing blanks

Mean premiums on population paste?

An armed guard on the sperm bank

Or smart card based on seed-rank

May go beyond the bounds of decent taste

But if our nasty habits

Cause waves of sterile fluid

What happens if we can't turn back the tide?

The frantic life we're leading

May well affect our seeding

And this ain't rock and roll, it's spermicide