Poetic Licence: Sperm Wail
Thursday 27 August 1998
At seminars in Europe
On propagative fluid,
A group of spermatologists agreed
That lower grades of semen
And shortages of He-men
May indicate the race is going to seed.
The boffins found the problem
With trying to ascertain
That Aphrodite's Evostik is weaker
Was very hard to surmount
When measuring a sperm count
Until they used a calibrated beaker.
How might a tighter trouser
Impair the way we are?
How virile were Nureyev or Nijinsky?
Could presidents of nations
Be worth investigations
Or should we pester Monica Lewinsky?
A plethora of reasons
Was given for our plight
Including lack of fitness and pollution
The doctors say we oughta
Soak tackle in iced water
Which may provide us with a new solution
So will a growth in numbers
Of fellows firing blanks
Mean premiums on population paste?
An armed guard on the sperm bank
Or smart card based on seed-rank
May go beyond the bounds of decent taste
But if our nasty habits
Cause waves of sterile fluid
What happens if we can't turn back the tide?
The frantic life we're leading
May well affect our seeding
And this ain't rock and roll, it's spermicide
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