Poetic Licence: The Winterval Manifesto
Thursday 12 November 1998
Shepherds watching flocks by night
Must cease work by 9.00 pm
In line with set Working Hours limits.
The cattle are lowing.
The baby awakes.
Ring our Noise Pollution Hotline.
The holly and the ivy
Now they are both full-grown
Have been deemed unsuitable for use
Since the holly is not child-friendly
And the ivy may affect asthma sufferers.
Elves will report to Team Leader,
Ms Ryan for her keynote speech:
"Paper Chains In A Workshop Context"
A hands-on assembly instruction session
Will provide facts on a Need-To-Know basis.
Boxing Day is rescheduled for 2nd Jan 1999
Renamed: Courtesy Visit/Gift Interface Day,
It will allow those workers in non-aligned jobs
A compensatory Comfort and Joy period.
Differently-nosed sub-arctic deer
Must not be subjected to workplace harassment
And will receive fair employment consideration
Under the Equal Opportunities Act.
Safety headgear must be worn at all times
In a one-horse open vehicle,
Laughing all the way.
Our Winterval Patriarch will visit you.
He may seek to gain entry via your chimney
We apologise if he calls at an inconvenient hour.
Under the 1994 Toy Recipients Charter,
You may be entitled to compensation.
TV review Nick Hewer, the man whose eyebrows speak a thousand words, is set to leave The Apprentice
Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites
TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Nigel Farage: Me vs Russell Brand on Question Time – he's got the chest hair but where are his ideas?
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Peter Lik: The self-proclaimed 'fine-art photographer' whose work sells for millions
The best underrated Christmas movies from Love, Actually to While You Were Sleeping
Grace Dent on TV: The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies was a beautifully shot, immensely considered drama
The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies, review: Jason Watkins is brilliant, but real victim Joanna Yeates is reduced to a footnote
Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking Lana Del Rey rape video
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Shock poll shows voters believe Ukip is to the left of the Tories
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits 'record low' as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Nigel Farage defends Kerry Smith 'ch***y' comment: 'If you are going for a Chinese, what do you say you’re going for?'
Ukip candidate jokes about 'shooting peasants' in racist and homophobic rant
Pakistan school attack live: Taliban kill at least 132 children in 'horrifying' massacre