Poetic Licence: www.santa.co.uk

Click to follow
The Independent Culture
Internet Christmas shopping has rocketed. Online consultants Fletcher Research suggest shoppers will spend nearly as much over Christmas as they spent in the whole of 1998, when e-sales reached pounds 350m

Santa sounded anxious,

And said in interview:

"The system's nudging meltdown.

I'm not sure what to do.

Because of cyber-shopping

We've split the works up now.

Our system's still in Greenland

But depots are in Slough.

It used to be so simple

Before we had the screen.

A whipping top, a walnut

Perhaps a tangerine,

Downloaded via the chimney.

All packaged by an elf

A sack, a sleigh, it took a day

To do the job myself.

`It isn't broke - don't fix it.'

Which used to work out fine

The Internet changed all of that,

The day we went on-line.

When Rudolph headed transport

The clients knew his name

Now Reindeer Force delivers

It doesn't seem the same.

We used to have a client-base

Who had a bit of class

Your modem cyber-warrior

Just kicks you in the arse

The shoppers get so angry

There's stuff from girls of eight

Abusive things on e-mail.

Cos Tie-Dye Barbie's late.

We've doubled-up on packers

But competition's shocking

And half the stuff they order

You can't fit in the stocking

No option but re-training.

You won't hold progress back.

Or as we say in this trade,

You end up with the sack."

Martin Newell's book `New' costs pounds 6 inc p&p. Send cheques payable to Newell at JLMP 2 Featherbed Lane, Selling, Kent ME139QU