Poetic Licence: www.santa.co.uk
Thursday 16 December 1999
Santa sounded anxious,
And said in interview:
"The system's nudging meltdown.
I'm not sure what to do.
Because of cyber-shopping
We've split the works up now.
Our system's still in Greenland
But depots are in Slough.
It used to be so simple
Before we had the screen.
A whipping top, a walnut
Perhaps a tangerine,
Downloaded via the chimney.
All packaged by an elf
A sack, a sleigh, it took a day
To do the job myself.
`It isn't broke - don't fix it.'
Which used to work out fine
The Internet changed all of that,
The day we went on-line.
When Rudolph headed transport
The clients knew his name
Now Reindeer Force delivers
It doesn't seem the same.
We used to have a client-base
Who had a bit of class
Your modem cyber-warrior
Just kicks you in the arse
The shoppers get so angry
There's stuff from girls of eight
Abusive things on e-mail.
Cos Tie-Dye Barbie's late.
We've doubled-up on packers
But competition's shocking
And half the stuff they order
You can't fit in the stocking
No option but re-training.
You won't hold progress back.
Or as we say in this trade,
You end up with the sack."
Martin Newell's book `New' costs pounds 6 inc p&p. Send cheques payable to Newell at JLMP 2 Featherbed Lane, Selling, Kent ME139QU
Final Top Gear reviewTV
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Isis propaganda video shows 25 Syrian soldiers executed by teenage militants in Palmyra
- 2 Number of young homeless people in Britain is 'more than three times the official figures'
- 3 The map showing the most dangerous tourist destinations in Europe, according to the Foreign Office
- 4 Right to die: Belgian doctors rule depressed 24-year-old woman has right to end her life
- 5 The biggest first date turnoff has been revealed
Nathan Collier: Montana man inspired by same-sex marriage ruling requests right to wed two wives
More Britons believe that multiculturalism makes the country worse - not better, says poll
Greece crisis: IMF was pushed around by Angela Merkel and Nicholas Sarkozy – and now it is being humiliated
'I wish the BBC would stop calling it Islamic State' – David Cameron unleashes frustration at broadcaster
Forget little green men – aliens will look like humans, says Cambridge University evolution expert
Girl, 7, stares down hate preacher at Ohio festival with pro-LGBT rainbow flag gesture