LOCATION: My dream home would somehow have to be in three places at the same time: within 10 minutes of Trafalgar Square because so many of the things I do, such as working for CND, are connected with central London; on the Suffolk coast because the scenery is so beautiful; and near the Lake District because I like moderate climbing.
ESSENTIAL LOCAL AMENITIES: A pub, a park and a church with a monastery attached where monks sing Gregorian chant.
CHARACTER AND CONSTRUCTION OF BUILDING: A two- storey Elizabethan house made of wood, stone and slate. Solid and draught-proof, it would have solar heating panels: I see no point in wasting money on oil or gas when you can use the sun.
HISTORICAL ASSOCIATIONS: I'd like the house to have a priest's hiding hole. When I was an active priest I went for an evening meal at Sawston Hall, near Cambridge. After dinner my host suggested I try the priest's hole. It was a difficult fit because I was too fat.
BEDROOMS: Three, because we'd want two for visitors.
BATHROOMS: One bathroom per bedroom.
RECEPTION ROOM: One very large reception room with an open fireplace. We wouldn't have a dining-room; we'd eat in the kitchen.
ESSENTIAL KITCHEN FEATURES: A deep freeze, and a compost grinder I've just invented. Instead of keeping a bucket of mouldering vegetables in the fridge as we do now there would be a tube that munched them up and sent them straight to the compost heap.
DECORATIVE STYLE: Comfortable and easy to clean. Walls would be white or magnolia. Furniture wouldn't have to be Elizabethan style, but I like old things and certainly wouldn't want any Perspex table tops.
LUXURIES: A dishwasher - I am the dishwashing machine at the moment. I would also install a slug detector in the garden.
SPECIAL OUTBUILDINGS: A barn for children to stay in - we like to be involved with youth groups. To attract them I would also have an indoor swimming pool and a stable for two enormous Clydesdale horses. The barn would also be used by the local community: we'd have amateur dramatics, whist drives for senior citizens like myself and political meetings - we could campaign to get rid of the Government.
VIEW FROM THE WINDOWS: I'd like it to be the South Downs, which could present a problem geographically.
SIZE OF GARDEN: Large and weedless.
GARDEN'S BEST FEATURES: Magnolia, rhododendron, waterfall.
NEIGHBOURS: Plenty, as long as they have nice cooking smells; and plenty of children as long as they're silent until required to be noisy.
MOTTO OVER THE DOOR: 'In paradisum deducant te angeli' - which means 'May the angel lead you into paradise', and comes from the Catholic funeral service.
WHAT IT WOULD COST: According to Julian King, director of Link-Up Properties Nationwide, no properties near Trafalgar Square meet Bruce Kent's specifications exactly, but a house of the right age near St James's Park and would cost pounds 10m. Lake District houses tend to be more recent, but one matching his specifications in every way except period would cost between pounds 400,000 and pounds 500,000. He is more likely to find his dream home on the Suffolk coast for pounds 300,000- pounds 350,000.
Bruce Kent's autobiography 'Undiscovered Ends' is published by HarperCollins in paperback at pounds 6.99.
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