Secretarial The Temp: At his convenience

IT TOOK me three days to work up the nerve to go to the bathroom in Oscar Katz's penthouse - three days with crossed legs, gratefully rushing off on errands in the outside world - and now I'm kicking myself because I could have had a whole three days' more dining out. But finally I worked up the trust in my new boss (I was convinced, rightly, that there wouldn't be a lock on the inside), in the middle of a long afternoon on the phone ringing round every tabloid and men's magazine hack in the country, inviting them to the PussyKatz Club's Pussy of the Year competition (well, almost). Well, it was either that or bust laughing. And now I have to pop back in every hour or so, whether or not I need the loo, just to check.

Oscar Katz's bathroom: my mum would have kittens if she knew. I've got used to the bedroom, with its purple satin sheets, in-bedhead stereo and purple satin tenting, because one of my duties is to check the bedside minibar and restock it with quarter-bottles of champagne - but the bathroom is something else. It's a monument to everything to do with water and nothing to do with washing. Well, there's a bidet - gold-plated - in the corner, but it seems to contain mostly white satin G-strings. Otherwise, it's a place for splashing around while looking at yourself.

For a start, the whole place is lined with mirrors, and when I say the whole place, I mean that you can actually look up your own skirt as you cross the floor. I find it disconcerting seeing myself on the loo, but each to his own taste, I guess. The bath isn't so much a bath as a private bordello, being big enough for six, with not just jet streams, but a wave machine. The shower isn't so much a shower as a car wash. Oscar has a body-length whirling loofah thing that goes on at the flick of a switch and scrapes off those dead skin cells while you lean against it. I haven't worked out where he keeps his unguents, but he must have loads stashed behind one of the mirrors, for no one in the history of the world has ever smelled so chemical. They'd label him a national disaster if he were in North America.

This is the weirdest job I've ever done. I work from 2pm to 10pm every day, following Oscar around, getting drinks for people, calling the chauffeur, sending out for sushi and timetabling his assignations. I quickly worked out that my own morals were totally safe with the old roue, as I'm obviously not his type. I haven't got white permed hair piled on my head, frosted pink lipstick and a black leather bra, for a start, and my name isn't Trixie, Vixen or Lulu - and I passed 19 some time ago. I guess there comes a time in every woman's life when she realises she is past it for certain activities; I never realised my moment would come at 23.

The Pussy of the Year competition is in fact The Search for London's Loveliest Lap-dancer. My job over the next two weeks is to send out invites to everyone Oscar can think of, chase up a few former game show hosts and disc jockeys to pad the celebrity list, and laugh at Oscar's jokes.

Oh, and try hard to tell Trixie (no calls) from Trina (put straight through, leaves different-coloured hairs in sink from those on her head).

So I emerged from the bathroom, trying hard to keep a straight face and not cause offence, though the breast-shaped door handle had nearly tipped me over the edge. "Well," said Oscar from the pink inflatable Marilyn Monroe lips chair, "I was wondering if you were related to the Queen and never went at all." "Oh, no," I said, finding myself suddenly forced to sneeze, "I go."

Oscar lit a 6-in-long cigar. "Oh, by the way," he said, "Sorry about the trolleys in the footbath, but yer can't machine-wash them, you see." He smiled proudly. "Ladies say I've got the best bum in London. Remind me to show you some time."

Arts and Entertainment

game of thrones reviewWarning: spoilers

Arts and Entertainment
The original Star Wars trio of Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill

George Osborne confirms Star Wars 8 will film at Pinewood Studios in time for 4 May


Arts and Entertainment
Haunted looks: Matthew Macfadyen and Timothy Spall star in ‘The Enfield Haunting’

North London meets The Exorcist in eerie suburban drama


Arts and Entertainment

Filming to begin on two new series due to be aired on Dave from next year


Arts and Entertainment
Kit Harington plays MI5 agent Will Holloway in Spooks: The Greater Good

'You can't count on anyone making it out alive'film
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

    Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

    Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

    Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
    China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

    China's influence on fashion

    At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
    Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

    The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

    Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
    Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

    Rainbow shades

    It's all bright on the night
    'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

    Bread from heaven

    Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
    Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

    How 'the Axe' helped Labour

    UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
    Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

    The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

    A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
    'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

    Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

    Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

    The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
    Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

    Vince Cable exclusive interview

    Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
    Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

    Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

    Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
    Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

    Everyone is talking about The Trews

    Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
    Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

    It's time for my close-up

    Meet the man who films great whites for a living