Sex! Sex! Sex! And sex!

SEX! WITH a stranger! I suppose Greg Cordell and Carla Germaine have had sex by now. I mean had sex together. There's surely no way that two people who were "saving themselves" would then have taken part in a "blind date marriage" arranged by a local radio station. But marital sex with a stranger. That must be a first for them. How civilisation advances.

Sex! Nicky Chadwick on Brookside had never had it. Now she's Brookside's first drug-rape victim and we can't watch the programme with our children any more, even though the omnibus is on at 5pm on a Saturday.

Sex! There's too much of it on television. And that's official.

Sex! and the City. That's a steamy new drama starting on Channel 4 next week. It's terribly explicit. Everyone's talking about it (apparently), even though it hasn't been on yet. If sex is a battleground, they're the new generals. You can tell because they're all wearing little black dresses. And you can't get anything sexier than little black dresses.

Sex! Nobody's getting any! Except Nicky, her unknown assailant, Greg and Carla and the new generals. Women want it, but men can't deliver it. Women need little black dresses on the NHS. No, wait. Men need Viagra on the NHS. No, wait. Women need Viagra too. An "avalanche" of women are calling the Impotence Association and begging for help. Maybe we should start an Impotent Blind Date, and pair all the people who have no sex drive off with each other. Wouldn't that take the pressure off a bit?

Sex! On the NHS! But we'll all regret it when the first Viagra rapist hits the headlines. Except Fay Weldon, who reckons rape isn't the worst thing that can happen to a woman. And Germaine Greer, who may not mind as long as it proves her to be right about the overwhelming violence of male sexuality. As usual. Because all men are rapists, even when they're impotent!

Sex! In night-clubs! You can still have it now, even when you're impotent because you're on ecstasy or cocaine. Just nibble occasionally at a tablet of Viagra during your night of clubbing, and you'll never be a let-down. Much better than smelly old amyl nitrate poppers. Everybody's doing it! Especially gay men!

Sex! No more brewer's droop, either. Hurrah!

Sex! In Whitehall! Robin Cook had it with six other women during his first marriage. And his wife put up with it (and the brewer's droop) until he finally gave her the push. Now he's no longer her husband, she's told everyone what a shitty spouse he was. Timing, Margaret. Not your strong point, really, whatever the sisters say now you've finally made your retrospective protest. You were always going to stand by your man, weren't you? You bloody idiot.

Sex! In the White House! The President of the United States isn't sure what sex is, and neither are US students. But that doesn't matter because they're still managing to have it anyway. Or something similar to it. Even cigars are having sex in the White House. But that doesn't stop anyone from commanding moral authority over an entire nation. Even if they bomb one country or another whenever their ex is in town. Coincidentally.

Sex! With the President! It's the American Dream for women. While history suggests that they can't in fact be President, now they can have sex with the President really, really easily, even if they're young enough to be his daughter. A few years ago, in this country, if Monica were male, Bill would be in jail. But never mind.

Sex! It's different for girls! It's OK for predatory older men to seduce young girls, but for gay sex to be available to young boys there needs to be rider legislation giving them some protection from predatory older men. This is because girls "mature more quickly than boys". See under Predatory Older Men for confirmation.

Sex! Gay sex! In Whitehall! Nick Brown has good gay sex, so he gets to come out of the closet and stay in the Cabinet. Cupboard love!

Sex! Gay sex! In Whitehall! Ron Davies has bad gay sex, so he gets to come out of the Cabinet while desperately trying to stay in the closet. Out and proud, you bloody fool. What's wrong with you, Ron? Don't you like Peter Tatchell?

Sex! At school! Soon, one ardently hopes, 16-year-old boys will be able to have it together without breaking the law. But not only can they not have sex with their teachers, they can't even, if they happen to feel confused about their sexuality, discuss it with them. Clause 28, you see. Still there. Odd anomaly, especially when it appears that teachers have been lumbered with every other aspect of moral and emotional education under the soaraway Sun. Sex! The age of consent is still too high! Peter Tatchell wanted to carry on campaigning, to get the age of consent down to 14. But the rest of OutRage! was Outraged. So that's definitely a non- starter.

Sex! On the way to school! Can only be avoided by setting up children's walking rotas.

Sex! It makes babies! If teenagers have it, then get pregnant, they should have a good old think about giving their offspring away. Then their foster- parents can abduct them, just to reassure the birth mothers that they're doing the right thing in handing over their children in the first place.

Sex! It doesn't make babies! What happened to good, old-fashioned fertility?

Sex! Mick Jagger! What a shagger!

Sex! Outside marriage! My biggest regret of 1998? Missing the News of the World special adultery pullout. I bet it was really raunchy. Sex sells, y'know.

Sex! Inside marriage! Let's pay people to get married, stay married and have sex only with each other. Tax breaks for monogamous couples. Sexy! Nearly as sexy as Melanie Phillips, the journalist who is most keen on paying people to get married. One wonders if she paid her own husband to get married.

Sex! You don't have to get married to have sex any more, y'know. You can join the priesthood.

Sex! Or become a residential care worker.

Sex! It's like acting, and not in the obvious way. There's only one rule any more, and that's the rule about children and animals.

Sex! It's a basic human right, like food, shelter and Prozac!

Sex! Now you can even have it when you're on Prozac. As long as you're taking Viagra as well.

Sex! Good sex! I think we all know what I mean by that.

Sex! Bad sex! I've never had it, but I bet it's terrible, eh?

Sex! Can't live with it, can't live without it!

Sex! It's everywhere!

Sex! We're really very confused about it!

Sex! Just thinking about it has given me a headache! Bang goes my sex life, eh? I might as well just kill myself.

Sex! I wonder how much Madonna gets now she's had a baby.

Sex! We can't handle it.

Sex! Why don't we get a grip? Oo er missus!

Sex! You really, really can't legislate around it, but you should expect the President to set an example. Even if the people who are out to get him are really dreadful. And that goes for the Foreign Secretary too. And anyone in public life who lines up demanding decent family values. Which means all politicians. And anyone who believes that children are simply exposed to too much information about sex too early in their lives. Which means all responsible adults.

Sex! It's what being a grown-up is all about.

Sex! Is that why we can never have enough of it?

Sex! I think I've had enough now, actually.

Sex! Especially before the watershed.

Suggested Topics
Arts and Entertainment
Stewart Lee (Gavin Evans)

comedy

Arts and Entertainment
No half measures: ‘The Secret Life of the Pub’

Grace Dent on TV The Secret Life of the Pub is sexist, ageist and a breath of fresh air

Arts and Entertainment
Art on their sleeves: before downloads and streaming, enthusiasts used to flick through racks of albums in their local record shops
musicFor Lois Pryce, working in a record shop was a dream job - until the bean counters ruined it
Arts and Entertainment
Serial suspect: the property heir charged with first-degree murder, Robert Durst
TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Igarashi in her

Art Megumi Igarashi criticises Japan's 'backwards' attitude to women's sexual expression

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
It's all in the genes: John Simm working in tandem with David Threlfall in 'Code of a Killer'

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Far Right and Proud: Reggies Yates' Extreme Russia

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Kanye West was mobbed in Armenia after jumping into a lake

music
Arts and Entertainment
The show suffers from its own appeal, being so good as to create an appetite in its viewers that is difficult to sate in a ten episode series

Game of Thrones reviewFirst look at season five contains some spoilers
Arts and Entertainment
Judi Dench and Kevin Spacey on the Red Carpet for 2015's Olivier Awards

Ray Davies' Sunny Afternoon scoops the most awards

Theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Proving his metal: Ross Poldark (played by Aidan Turner in the BBC series) epitomises the risk-taking spirit of 18th-century mine owners

Poldark review
Arts and Entertainment
Eddie Redmayne is reportedly favourite to play Newt Scamander in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

film
Arts and Entertainment
Tom Hardy stars in dystopian action thriller Mad Max: Fury Road

film
Arts and Entertainment
Josh, 22, made his first million from the game MinoMonsters

Grace Dent

Channel 4 show proves there's no app for happiness
News
Disgraced Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson
people
Arts and Entertainment
Game face: Zoë Kravitz, Bruce Greenwood and Ethan Hawke in ‘Good Kill’

film review

Arts and Entertainment
Living like there’s no tomorrow: Jon Hamm as Don Draper in the final season of ‘Mad Men’

TV review

Arts and Entertainment
Yaphett Kotto with Julius W Harris and Jane Seymour in 1973 Bond movie Live and Let Die

film
Arts and Entertainment

art
Arts and Entertainment

film
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
    Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

    UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

    Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
    John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

    ‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

    Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
    Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

    Let the propaganda wars begin - again

    'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

    Japan's incredible long-distance runners

    Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
    Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

    Tom Drury: The quiet American

    His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
    Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

    Beige to the future

    Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

    Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

    More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
    Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

    Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

    The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own