Sex! Sex! Sex! And sex!

SEX! WITH a stranger! I suppose Greg Cordell and Carla Germaine have had sex by now. I mean had sex together. There's surely no way that two people who were "saving themselves" would then have taken part in a "blind date marriage" arranged by a local radio station. But marital sex with a stranger. That must be a first for them. How civilisation advances.

Sex! Nicky Chadwick on Brookside had never had it. Now she's Brookside's first drug-rape victim and we can't watch the programme with our children any more, even though the omnibus is on at 5pm on a Saturday.

Sex! There's too much of it on television. And that's official.

Sex! and the City. That's a steamy new drama starting on Channel 4 next week. It's terribly explicit. Everyone's talking about it (apparently), even though it hasn't been on yet. If sex is a battleground, they're the new generals. You can tell because they're all wearing little black dresses. And you can't get anything sexier than little black dresses.

Sex! Nobody's getting any! Except Nicky, her unknown assailant, Greg and Carla and the new generals. Women want it, but men can't deliver it. Women need little black dresses on the NHS. No, wait. Men need Viagra on the NHS. No, wait. Women need Viagra too. An "avalanche" of women are calling the Impotence Association and begging for help. Maybe we should start an Impotent Blind Date, and pair all the people who have no sex drive off with each other. Wouldn't that take the pressure off a bit?

Sex! On the NHS! But we'll all regret it when the first Viagra rapist hits the headlines. Except Fay Weldon, who reckons rape isn't the worst thing that can happen to a woman. And Germaine Greer, who may not mind as long as it proves her to be right about the overwhelming violence of male sexuality. As usual. Because all men are rapists, even when they're impotent!

Sex! In night-clubs! You can still have it now, even when you're impotent because you're on ecstasy or cocaine. Just nibble occasionally at a tablet of Viagra during your night of clubbing, and you'll never be a let-down. Much better than smelly old amyl nitrate poppers. Everybody's doing it! Especially gay men!

Sex! No more brewer's droop, either. Hurrah!

Sex! In Whitehall! Robin Cook had it with six other women during his first marriage. And his wife put up with it (and the brewer's droop) until he finally gave her the push. Now he's no longer her husband, she's told everyone what a shitty spouse he was. Timing, Margaret. Not your strong point, really, whatever the sisters say now you've finally made your retrospective protest. You were always going to stand by your man, weren't you? You bloody idiot.

Sex! In the White House! The President of the United States isn't sure what sex is, and neither are US students. But that doesn't matter because they're still managing to have it anyway. Or something similar to it. Even cigars are having sex in the White House. But that doesn't stop anyone from commanding moral authority over an entire nation. Even if they bomb one country or another whenever their ex is in town. Coincidentally.

Sex! With the President! It's the American Dream for women. While history suggests that they can't in fact be President, now they can have sex with the President really, really easily, even if they're young enough to be his daughter. A few years ago, in this country, if Monica were male, Bill would be in jail. But never mind.

Sex! It's different for girls! It's OK for predatory older men to seduce young girls, but for gay sex to be available to young boys there needs to be rider legislation giving them some protection from predatory older men. This is because girls "mature more quickly than boys". See under Predatory Older Men for confirmation.

Sex! Gay sex! In Whitehall! Nick Brown has good gay sex, so he gets to come out of the closet and stay in the Cabinet. Cupboard love!

Sex! Gay sex! In Whitehall! Ron Davies has bad gay sex, so he gets to come out of the Cabinet while desperately trying to stay in the closet. Out and proud, you bloody fool. What's wrong with you, Ron? Don't you like Peter Tatchell?

Sex! At school! Soon, one ardently hopes, 16-year-old boys will be able to have it together without breaking the law. But not only can they not have sex with their teachers, they can't even, if they happen to feel confused about their sexuality, discuss it with them. Clause 28, you see. Still there. Odd anomaly, especially when it appears that teachers have been lumbered with every other aspect of moral and emotional education under the soaraway Sun. Sex! The age of consent is still too high! Peter Tatchell wanted to carry on campaigning, to get the age of consent down to 14. But the rest of OutRage! was Outraged. So that's definitely a non- starter.

Sex! On the way to school! Can only be avoided by setting up children's walking rotas.

Sex! It makes babies! If teenagers have it, then get pregnant, they should have a good old think about giving their offspring away. Then their foster- parents can abduct them, just to reassure the birth mothers that they're doing the right thing in handing over their children in the first place.

Sex! It doesn't make babies! What happened to good, old-fashioned fertility?

Sex! Mick Jagger! What a shagger!

Sex! Outside marriage! My biggest regret of 1998? Missing the News of the World special adultery pullout. I bet it was really raunchy. Sex sells, y'know.

Sex! Inside marriage! Let's pay people to get married, stay married and have sex only with each other. Tax breaks for monogamous couples. Sexy! Nearly as sexy as Melanie Phillips, the journalist who is most keen on paying people to get married. One wonders if she paid her own husband to get married.

Sex! You don't have to get married to have sex any more, y'know. You can join the priesthood.

Sex! Or become a residential care worker.

Sex! It's like acting, and not in the obvious way. There's only one rule any more, and that's the rule about children and animals.

Sex! It's a basic human right, like food, shelter and Prozac!

Sex! Now you can even have it when you're on Prozac. As long as you're taking Viagra as well.

Sex! Good sex! I think we all know what I mean by that.

Sex! Bad sex! I've never had it, but I bet it's terrible, eh?

Sex! Can't live with it, can't live without it!

Sex! It's everywhere!

Sex! We're really very confused about it!

Sex! Just thinking about it has given me a headache! Bang goes my sex life, eh? I might as well just kill myself.

Sex! I wonder how much Madonna gets now she's had a baby.

Sex! We can't handle it.

Sex! Why don't we get a grip? Oo er missus!

Sex! You really, really can't legislate around it, but you should expect the President to set an example. Even if the people who are out to get him are really dreadful. And that goes for the Foreign Secretary too. And anyone in public life who lines up demanding decent family values. Which means all politicians. And anyone who believes that children are simply exposed to too much information about sex too early in their lives. Which means all responsible adults.

Sex! It's what being a grown-up is all about.

Sex! Is that why we can never have enough of it?

Sex! I think I've had enough now, actually.

Sex! Especially before the watershed.

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