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The problems of tourism

Trundling down the rocky road towards us from those fiendish Radio 1FM people is a series of three programmes about bands on tour. It's called The Road Goes On Forever. Of course, no road actually does go on forever - it looks like rock 'n' roll is the last refuge of Platonism. This wouldn't surprise Bill and Ted, who are, as we know, best mates with Socrates. But anyway. Programme one, "The Tour Bus" (Sun 7pm), promises that the part of touring hitherto considered the most boring is to get a thorough makeover. We hear of the groovy goings-on in even the bog-standard Ford Transit, not to mention the double-decker luxury coach with inbuilt jacuzzi. Cool stories will be forthcoming from Suede, Elvis Costello (right), James, Elastica and loads of other veterans of the field, and the programme is presented by Rat Scabies of The Damned. So it's bound to be brilliant.

It is happening again

First the good news: The owls, once more, are not what they seem. Agent Cooper is to hold again in his hand a small pack of chocolate bunnies. Yes, Laura Palmer's blue body is about to re-wash onto the lakeside as David Lynch's splendidly crazed small-town murder mystery Twin Peaks returns for re-runs (from Tuesday 9pm). Now for the bad news: you will only get to watch Audrey chew that cherry stalk at One Eyed Jack's if you have a dish on your house and access to Bravo. The BBC, tragically, squandered their repeat rights by showing each episode twice in a week first time round, so yet again the country's terrestrial population is forced to consider blasting into hyperspace in search of damn fine coffee.

Yesterday's the day today

"Following its transmission in January 1994, hordes of seasoned newscasters resigned in shame as the programme scientifically proved that their jobs were wrong." Yes, BBC Video is to release The Day Today on Monday, featuring all six programmes to "drip out of the news cock" (two tapes, £10.99 each). The worryingly funny spoof news programme has won a sackful of plaudits for its bit players - the overrated Steve Coogan as sports presenter Alan Partridge, and Patrick Marber as reporter Peter O'Hanraha'hanrahan. But the real genius of this triumph is Chris Morris (right), Paxmanoid presenter and erstwhile shock-jock currently suspended from Radio 1 for claiming that Jimmy Savile was dead. Enjoy the following news items: Boiled Dog Could Do Maths, Claims Experimenter; Headmaster Suspended For Using Big- Faced Child As Satellite Dish; Sacked Chimney Sweep Pumps Boss Full Of Mayonnaise; and extended coverage of John Major's fight with the Queen. Unmissable. Even if you've already missed it.

Letters written in crayon

Your monthly helping of fruitcake from the Broadcasting Standards Council complaints bulletin, the log of who saw fit to call whom when and what about. Top spot for observational skills goes to Mr Davall of London, who complained that Margi Clarke's (right) The Good Sex Guide contained "explicit sexual scenes and the detailed discussion of the use of condoms". The Committee, surprisingly enough, decided that the scenes "would not be unexpected in a programme of this title which was shown well after the watershed". Meanwhile, Mr Butler of Dorset, watching Tomorrow's World with his son, was disgusted and embarrassed to be confronted with a report on a new form of contraception. This complaint, presumably partly because there won't be much of a tomorrow's world if we don't get the population under control, was also not upheld. The majority of complainants seem to be unhealthily obsessed with sex: Mr and Mrs Lester of Middlesex complained about nudity in Hale and Pace. On watching the programme, the committee noted that "the two male comedians exposed their chests on several occasions". No-one, it seems, complained about the misleading claim that the programme was a comedy.

Compiled by Serena Mackesy

and Steven Poole

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