Sparkling sitcom from Auntie's geriatric bickering

`Wasn't it Yentob who said that Noel Edmonds was the crowning achievement of BBC TV?'

AGE CONCERN said the other day that there are far too few older people to be seen on television. After all, they said, older people form a huge slice of the BBC audience, but all they ever see on telly is people in the 25-40 age bracket, usually behaving badly, or people who haven't even grown up yet, by which they presumably mean Chris Evans. Why can't we see more old people on TV?

Well, cheer up, Age Concern! I am currently writing a rip-roaring new TV comedy series which contains nothing but elderly characters, all of whom squabble and fight all day long. It's called BBC Board of Governors and here is an extract to give you some idea of how Age TV can work at its best...

The scene is a palatial boardroom. The chairman of the BBC Board of Governors is just completing the roll call.

Chairman: Lord Thingy.

Lord Thingy: Here.

Chairman: Token black woman.

Token Black Woman: Here.

Chairman: Government spy.

Spy: Hello, there.

Chairman: And finally, arts person. Arts Person: Hi!

Governor 1: Arts person? I didn't know Melvyn Bragg was a BBC governor!

Chairman: He's not. There are other arts persons beside Melvyn Bragg, you know.

Governor 1: Are there, by Jove? I didn't know that. By the way, did anyone see that documentary the other night on BBC?

Governor 2: What was it about?

Governor 1: Well, I'll tell you what it wasn't about. It wasn't about the Second World War!

Governor 2: Ah! So it must have been about sex.

Governor 1: No, it wasn't! It was about not having sex!

Governor 2: Good Lord. I'd like to have seen that! As I get older I get more interested in not having sex. What was it all about?

Governor 1: It was about this Christian couple who refused to have sex before their marriage.

Governor 2: Damned good idea, too. I had sex before my marriage. Always regretted it.

Governor 1: Why?

Governor 2: Because it made us two hours late for the ceremony!

Chairman: Look, we have a long agenda to get through, so could we move to item No 1, please? This is the loss of Noel Edmonds...

Token Black Woman: Is he dead?

Chairman: No.

Token Black Woman: Shame.

Governor 2: I'll second that. All in favour?

Chorus: Aye!

Governor 2: Then I vote we take out a contract on Noel Edmonds. Where's PD James? She knows how things like this are done. That's why we got her on as a governor...

Governor 3: Yes, but we originally got her on the board to eliminate John Birt. She never managed it. If she can't rub out Birt, what luck will she have with Noel Edmonds?

Chairman: Hold on! We don't need to! That's what I'm trying to say! He's gone! Edmonds has left the BBC!

Governor 1: Has he taken Yentob with him?

Chairman: No, don't think so. Why should he?

Governor 1: Wasn't it Yentob who said that Edmonds was the crowning achievement of BBC TV or something like that?

Chairman: He may have done. It is the job of BBC chiefs to say how much they like their much-hated star performers. Other channels are then tempted to poach them. That's how we get rid of them.

Governor 1: Oh, I see.

Lady Governor: Incidentally, how is that new chap, Greg van Dyke, getting on? I liked the look of him a lot when he came to talk to us. But I thought he was going to come back and tell us how it was all working out...

Chairman: He hasn't started yet. He can't start till Birt goes, and Birt won't go. Nobody knows how to get him out.

Governor 1: Well, why not tell Yentob to tell everyone how great Birt is. If that got rid of Edmonds, it might get rid of Birt.

Very Old Governor: [Waking up.] Just a moment. Who am I? What am I doing here?

Chairman: We are discussing John Birt.

VOG: John Birt? Isn't that the chap we voted in as Director General?

Chairman: Yes.

VOG: And he decided to make savings by locating all the people who were very good at making programmes?

Chairman: Yes.

VOG: And firing them?

Chairman: Something like that.

VOG: What a very unpleasant dream. I hope I wake up soon. [Goes back to sleep.]

More of this some other time, perhaps.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment
Chocolat author Joanne Harris has spoken about the financial struggles most authors face

books
Arts and Entertainment
A scene from How To Train Your Dragon 2

Review: Imaginative storytelling returns with vigour

film
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
Josh Hutcherson, Donald Sutherland and Jena Malone in Mockinjay: Part 1

film
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Characters in the new series are based on real people, say its creators, unlike Arya and Clegane the Dog in ‘Game of Thrones’
tv
Arts and Entertainment
A waxwork of Jane Austen has been unveiled at The Jane Austen Centre in Bath

books
Arts and Entertainment
Britney Spears has been caught singing without Auto-Tune

music
Arts and Entertainment
Unless films such as Guardians of the Galaxy, pictured, can buck the trend, this summer could be the first in 13 years that not a single Hollywood blockbuster takes $300m

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Miley Cyrus has her magic LSD brain stolen in this crazy video produced with The Flaming Lips

music
Arts and Entertainment
Gay icons: Sesame Street's Bert (right) and Ernie

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Singer Robin Thicke and actress Paula Patton

music
Arts and Entertainment
The new film will be shot in the same studios as the Harry Potter films

books
Arts and Entertainment
Duncan Bannatyne left school at 15 and was still penniless at 29

Bannatyne leaves Dragon's Den

TV
Arts and Entertainment
The French economist Thomas Piketty wrote that global inequality has worsened

books
Arts and Entertainment
David Tennant and Benedict Cumberbatch

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Ben Affleck plays a despondent Nick Dunne in David Fincher's 'Gone Girl'

film
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty (L) and Carl Barât look at the scene as people begin to be crushed

music
Arts and Entertainment

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty and Caral Barat of The Libertines performs on stage at British Summer Time Festival at Hyde Park

music
Arts and Entertainment
Ariana Grande and Iggy Azalea perform on stage at the Billboard Music Awards 2014

music
Arts and Entertainment

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Zina Saro-Wiwa

art
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
    Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

    A writer spends a night on the streets

    Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
    Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
    Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

    Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

    Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
    Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

    Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

    This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
    Whelks are healthy, versatile and sustainable - so why did we stop eating them in the UK?

    Why did we stop eating whelks?

    Whelks were the Victorian equivalent of the donor kebab and our stocks are abundant. So why do we now export them all to the Far East?
    10 best women's sunglasses

    In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

    From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
    Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    The German people demand an end to the fighting
    New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

    New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

    For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
    Can scientists save the world's sea life from

    Can scientists save our sea life?

    By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
    Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

    Richard III review

    Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice