Sparkling sitcom from Auntie's geriatric bickering

`Wasn't it Yentob who said that Noel Edmonds was the crowning achievement of BBC TV?'

AGE CONCERN said the other day that there are far too few older people to be seen on television. After all, they said, older people form a huge slice of the BBC audience, but all they ever see on telly is people in the 25-40 age bracket, usually behaving badly, or people who haven't even grown up yet, by which they presumably mean Chris Evans. Why can't we see more old people on TV?

Well, cheer up, Age Concern! I am currently writing a rip-roaring new TV comedy series which contains nothing but elderly characters, all of whom squabble and fight all day long. It's called BBC Board of Governors and here is an extract to give you some idea of how Age TV can work at its best...

The scene is a palatial boardroom. The chairman of the BBC Board of Governors is just completing the roll call.

Chairman: Lord Thingy.

Lord Thingy: Here.

Chairman: Token black woman.

Token Black Woman: Here.

Chairman: Government spy.

Spy: Hello, there.

Chairman: And finally, arts person. Arts Person: Hi!

Governor 1: Arts person? I didn't know Melvyn Bragg was a BBC governor!

Chairman: He's not. There are other arts persons beside Melvyn Bragg, you know.

Governor 1: Are there, by Jove? I didn't know that. By the way, did anyone see that documentary the other night on BBC?

Governor 2: What was it about?

Governor 1: Well, I'll tell you what it wasn't about. It wasn't about the Second World War!

Governor 2: Ah! So it must have been about sex.

Governor 1: No, it wasn't! It was about not having sex!

Governor 2: Good Lord. I'd like to have seen that! As I get older I get more interested in not having sex. What was it all about?

Governor 1: It was about this Christian couple who refused to have sex before their marriage.

Governor 2: Damned good idea, too. I had sex before my marriage. Always regretted it.

Governor 1: Why?

Governor 2: Because it made us two hours late for the ceremony!

Chairman: Look, we have a long agenda to get through, so could we move to item No 1, please? This is the loss of Noel Edmonds...

Token Black Woman: Is he dead?

Chairman: No.

Token Black Woman: Shame.

Governor 2: I'll second that. All in favour?

Chorus: Aye!

Governor 2: Then I vote we take out a contract on Noel Edmonds. Where's PD James? She knows how things like this are done. That's why we got her on as a governor...

Governor 3: Yes, but we originally got her on the board to eliminate John Birt. She never managed it. If she can't rub out Birt, what luck will she have with Noel Edmonds?

Chairman: Hold on! We don't need to! That's what I'm trying to say! He's gone! Edmonds has left the BBC!

Governor 1: Has he taken Yentob with him?

Chairman: No, don't think so. Why should he?

Governor 1: Wasn't it Yentob who said that Edmonds was the crowning achievement of BBC TV or something like that?

Chairman: He may have done. It is the job of BBC chiefs to say how much they like their much-hated star performers. Other channels are then tempted to poach them. That's how we get rid of them.

Governor 1: Oh, I see.

Lady Governor: Incidentally, how is that new chap, Greg van Dyke, getting on? I liked the look of him a lot when he came to talk to us. But I thought he was going to come back and tell us how it was all working out...

Chairman: He hasn't started yet. He can't start till Birt goes, and Birt won't go. Nobody knows how to get him out.

Governor 1: Well, why not tell Yentob to tell everyone how great Birt is. If that got rid of Edmonds, it might get rid of Birt.

Very Old Governor: [Waking up.] Just a moment. Who am I? What am I doing here?

Chairman: We are discussing John Birt.

VOG: John Birt? Isn't that the chap we voted in as Director General?

Chairman: Yes.

VOG: And he decided to make savings by locating all the people who were very good at making programmes?

Chairman: Yes.

VOG: And firing them?

Chairman: Something like that.

VOG: What a very unpleasant dream. I hope I wake up soon. [Goes back to sleep.]

More of this some other time, perhaps.

Arts and Entertainment
'The Archers' has an audience of about five million
radioA growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried
Arts and Entertainment
Ready to open the Baftas, rockers Kasabian are also ‘great film fans’
musicExclusive: Rockers promise an explosive opening to the evening
Arts and Entertainment
Henry VIII played by Damien Lewis
tvReview: Scheming queens-in-waiting, tangled lines of succession and men of lowly birth rising to power – sound familiar?
Arts and Entertainment
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Hell, yeah: members of the 369th Infantry arrive back in New York
booksWorld War Z author Max Brooks honours WW1's Harlem Hellfighters in new graphic novel
PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment
Taylor Swift is heading to Norwich for Radio 1's Big Weekend

music
Arts and Entertainment
Beer as folk: Vincent Franklin and Cyril Nri (centre) in ‘Cucumber’
tvReview: This slice of gay life in Manchester has universal appeal
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
‘A Day at the Races’ still stands up well today
film
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tvAnd its producers have already announced a second season...
Arts and Entertainment
Kraftwerk performing at the Neue Nationalgalerie (New National Gallery) museum in Berlin earlier this month
musicWhy a bunch of academics consider German electropoppers Kraftwerk worthy of their own symposium
Arts and Entertainment
Icelandic singer Bjork has been forced to release her album early after an online leak

music
Arts and Entertainment
Colin Firth as Harry Hart in Kingsman: The Secret Service

film
Arts and Entertainment
Brian Blessed as King Lear in the Guildford Shakespeare Company's performance of the play

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
In the picture: Anthony LaPaglia and Martin Freeman in 'The Eichmann Show'

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Anne Kirkbride and Bill Roache as Deirdre and Ken Barlow in Coronation Street

tvThe actress has died aged 60
Arts and Entertainment
Marianne Jean-Baptiste defends Joe Miller in Broadchurch series two

tv
Arts and Entertainment
The frill of it all: Hattie Morahan in 'The Changeling'

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny may reunite for The X Files

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Jeremy Clarkson, left, and Richard Hammond upset the locals in South America
TV
News
A young woman punched a police officer after attending a gig by US rapper Snoop Dogg
people
Arts and Entertainment
Reese Witherspoon starring in 'Wild'

It's hard not to warm to Reese Witherspoon's heroismfilm
Arts and Entertainment
Word up: Robbie Coltrane as dictionary guru Doctor Johnson in the classic sitcom Blackadder the Third
books

Arts and Entertainment
The Oscar nominations are due to be announced today

Oscars 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Hacked off: Maisie Williams in ‘Cyberbully’

Maisie Williams single-handedly rises to the challenge

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything and Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game are both nominated at the Bafta Film Awards
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

    Isis hostage crisis

    The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
    Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

    The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

    Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
    Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

    Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

    Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
    Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

    Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

    This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
    Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

    Cabbage is king again

    Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
    11 best winter skin treats

    Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

    Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
    Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

    Paul Scholes column

    The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
    Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

    Frank Warren's Ringside

    No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
    Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

    Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

    The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
    Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

    Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

    Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
    Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

    Homeless Veterans appeal

    MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
    Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

    Comedians share stories of depression

    The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
    Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

    Has The Archers lost the plot?

    A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
    English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

    14 office buildings added to protected lists

    Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
    Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

    Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

    Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee