TELEVISION / Will someone find me something to watch

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Woke up. Switched on Big Breakfast (C4). And there is John Barnes, of Liverpool and England, who doesn't seem to be in America in any capacity whatsoever. A lot of others are, though. Three World Cup matches on live later today. But will there be anything worth reviewing?

Breakfast, then Yesterday at Wimbledon (BBC2). Might have missed the odd shot yesterday. Just time for Evening Shade (C4), bizarrely on in the morning, before glutting on cartoons galore: Sesame Street's (C4) are the only ones of moral value, but there's enough there to get you through to Wimbledon (BBC2, then BBC1, BBC2 again, and back to BBC1): amazing how Wimbledon keeps you on your toes, even when you're on your rear. Nothing to review as yet; but hopes high.

Flit between Wimbledon and first gardening programme of day. Forget its name - there are so many. Review it? There's bound to be something better.

Lunch. Only a few hours until the big match: Ireland vs Mexico (ITV). While chewing fingernails in anticipation, gorge on more Wimbledon before 4 Goes to Glastonbury (C4). If they'd had some other name, Channel 4 would have been stuck for titles to a lot of programmes. ITV2 Goes to Glastonbury anyone?

Can't concentrate on mystic thingummies wafting from TV screen on account of worry about big match. No sign of anything to review as yet. Finally, after half-hour preliminary flannel, watch game. Game over, and 90 minutes to kill until Brazil vs Cameroon (BBC2).

Supper, with Wimbledon. ITV is coping with the threat of mass defection to football by repeating Beadle's About. Must be a hoax. No one's going to fall for that one.

Sometimes it really does look like there's not enough sport on TV. That bumper day last Monday: Wimbledon Day 1, World Cup Day 4, Test Match Day 5, US Open Day 5. Surely there should be more of them. There have been times today when there's been no sport on the box at all. What's going on?

Over on Channel 4 there's the usual fare: American comedy and English gardening. They've clearly given up all hope of entertaining an audience big enough to register on the kettle-ometer - you know, that electrical man who measures TV ratings by the surge in power supply when a popular programme ends. Europe Express (C4), probably the only intelligent programme on all night, must have died a death tonight.

Brazil and Cameroon on. Watch Ireland vs Mexico highlights too. Might have missed something. Think about reviewing 999, but think better: not much more to say about it.

Wimbledon highlights until Russia vs Sweden (ITV), plus highlights of Brazil vs Cameroon: always good to see what pundits on other side thought of game. Swedes and Russians compete nobly for attention of those attracted by return visit to Glastonbury. Decisions, decisions, further complicated by screening of Broadway Danny Rose (BBC2), an imaginative bid for viewers caught between two stools who might plump for a third. Sorry, Woody: got it on video.

Could have reviewed Video Nation Shorts (BBC2), but it's only two minutes long. Because of the big match, somehow manage to overlook You Don't Know Me But . . . (C4), the only original piece of television on today that might have been worth reviewing. It was about lesbian tennis players. A subject curiously not mentioned in the Wimbledon coverage.

You can't win 'em all. There was probably something good on Sky. Missed it.

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