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Twenty bands and artists may have worked their hides off to get the Bosnian aid album Help! completed in 24 hours, and the album may have sold 71,000 copies in a day, dwarfing the entire week's sales of every other album in the charts, but you won't see it at number one. Chart regulator CIN maintains that Help! counts as a compilation and is therefore ineligible for entry in the main album charts. Some voices have even suggested that Parlophone was responsible for bringing the matter to CIN's attention (the label released Blur's new album two days after Help!). The real winners, though, are the Levellers. Thanks to Help's exclusion, they've got a number one album. A bit odd, seeing as how everyone hates them. Still, nice to see the under-talented, as well as the under-privileged, profiting from such a noble project.

You can pack your parkas and your Stanley knives away - the Bournemouth Brawl is off. You'll recall that Blur and Oasis were both scheduled to play there on Monday. After concerns about violence, Oasis agreed to move their show. But now it's really off: Oasis have cancelled the tour - their bassist is pleading exhaustion. Saturation might have been a better excuse.

Other music news: Depeche Mode frontman Dave Gahan has declared that he wasn't trying to commit suicide when he slashed his wrists recently - he was just feeling low after being burgled; what's good for kd and Cindy is clearly a no-go for guys - a shot depicting two members of punk- funkers Red Hot Chili Peppers kissing has caused news-stands across America to withdraw Guitar magazine, which is carrying the picture on its latest cover; more photographic fracas as snaps from Kurt Cobain's autopsy have begun appearing on the Internet.

The Disney Channel hits the UK on 1 October, promising us "high-quality TV viewing with programming you can trust" - you've never heard Disney sound so dull... A flick through the highlights in the US autumn television schedule tells us that The Client is the latest incredible shrinking movie, following in the less-than-illustrious path of Private Benjamin and, erm, 9 to 5, with Jobeth Williams taking over from Susan Sarandon... Arnold Schwarzenegger is to play an 11th-century knight in The Crusades, which was on hold for a while because no one could whip up the $100m budget; Warner Bros is now obliging... Elsewhere, Angelica Huston will film a Prizzi's Honour prequel, while Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp are chasing roles in the film version of the stage hit Burning Blue... Lastly, all those who giggled through the flaccid football hooliganism drama i.d. can taste the real thing on 25 September: the video release of Alan Clarke's little-seen The Firm finds Gary Oldman 10 times as terrifying as he was as Dracula.