The Weekly Muse
Saturday 06 February 1999
The Cliffs of Dover stop being white:
The teeth of England's southern coast
Are rotting quietly overnight
And disappointment will be rife
Among the tourists coming in.
Dispatch a flock of pigeons now,
And spare the heart of Vera Lynn.
It's curtains for the ruddy duck,
A waterfowl which likes to breed
With other species - so much so
That Michael Meacher feels the need
To wipe the randy creatures out,
A move that's almost guaranteed
To cause another rural row
Among the meres and river-weed
When twitchers in their anoraks,
Who hate these bronze Anatidae,
Lock horns with liberationists
On river banks each Saturday.
The "crisis of our Englishness"...
A blunt new survey rates us
As a dull and vulgar people
Whose Celtic neighbours hate us.
The Scots, the Welsh, the Irish
Make cultural advances
While all we have are hooligans,
Hugh Grant and morris dances.
Now may I say in our defence
True Englishness is subtler
And hidden deep within us
Like the passion of a butler
For the mistress in her mansion,
So it's rare that we reveal it.
But because you cannot see it
Doesn't mean we do not feel it.
Hoddle! Just the sound of it
Deserves a definition.
Hoddled by the tabloids,
Then deprived of your position.
Hoddle - used of journalists,
A good collective noun
For a pack of baying toerags
Waiting months to do you down.
New clone control is on its way,
The Government has told us so.
But even if it's put in force,
If clones escape, how do we know?
Besides, my clone will be of use
To write my stanzas if I die.
And since he's worked with me I find
I like the bloke... and so do I.
Grace Dent on TV The Secret Life of the Pub is sexist, ageist and a breath of fresh air
Art Megumi Igarashi criticises Japan's 'backwards' attitude to women's sexual expression
tv Singer could become the most unlikely star of Westeros
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Woman 'suffocates newborn baby in plastic bag and puts it in her desk minutes after giving birth'
- 2 I've been called an abusive and dangerous parent, when all I did was listen to my transgender child
- 3 Company breaks open Apple Watch to discover what it says is 'planned obsolescence'
- 4 Teaching profession headed for crisis as numbers continue to drop and working lives become 'unbearable'
- 5 Chinese student carries disabled friend to school every day for three years
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins
Al Pacino admits he was nearly fired from The Godfather and it's still his most 'difficult role'
Warner Music owner Len Blavatnik tops Sunday Times Rich List
London Marathon: Best running songs from Beyoncé and Kendrick Lamar to 'Uptown Funk'
Oldest footage of London landmarks released
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
The sickening truth about food banks that the Tories don't want you to know
Migrant boat disaster: Ukip candidate mocks victims in sickening Twitter post
Nigel Farage wants the BBC to stop making programmes like Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing, and Top Gear
Global warming: Scientists say temperatures could rise by 6C by 2100 and call for action ahead of UN meeting in Paris
General Election 2015: Britain would become a 'communist dictatorship' under Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon, claims wife of Michael Gove