The Weekly Muse
Saturday 03 April 1999
Will sing as sweet and doesn't know
It must be deaf and blind somehow
As the tide ebbs out of Kosovo
A dreadful sombre laval flow
We hold our children tighter now
With Christ-like pose and hands outstretched
Stigmata holes? Nah. Too far-fetched
It's David Beckham's Easter Look
You've said the prayers. Now read the book.
All former sins absolved no doubt.
Front page? What taste. Well done Time Out
Big libel case. Went to appeal
You must remember Morris/Steel?
The pair McDonald's took to court
And "beat" (or something of that sort)
The final score the other day,
Dropped sixty k to forty k
McJudges trimmed damages back
And ruled the risk of heart-attack
As something that is "very real".
Still sure you want that double meal?
Now one-in-five are overweight
Like trains we carry too much freight
The reason for this sorry mess?
We're "victims of our own success"
As Thameslink PR chaps might say.
We sit in cars, eat snacks all day
Watch vids and guzzle beer all night
It's sure to make our waistbands tight.
The simple answer to this bind.
Is fall in love. Leave fat behind
When Love struts in to ruin your day
You'll watch that ballast fall away.
Computerised as of this week,
I'm so put-out I cannot speak.
And most of you won't care perhaps
But men who still sport old cloth caps
Like anglers, gardeners and other chaps,
We'll miss those hand-drawn weather maps
So new research proves Beatles wrong
And money can, despite the song
Buy love, a headline claimed this week.
A prospect which is rather bleak;
For any hard-up singleton
Who'd like to feel love should be won.
So ladies, if you're feeling moony
Call the team at Essex Uni
It's their research you've got to thank
After you have phoned your bank
Cheques to "Newell"
Er... leave them blank.
'At times I thought he was me'film
Review: One Direction, Fourmusic
Review: The World of Ice and Firebooks
Film More romcom than S&M
Review: The Imitation Gamefilm
Comedy...to show her mastectomy scars
TVNetflix gets cryptic
TV review A moving film showing kids too busy to enjoy their youth
Books Not even a Man Booker prize could save Richard Flanagan from a nomination
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Universities aren't working us hard enough, say undergraduates
- 2 Lego letter from the 1970s still offers a powerful message to parents 40 years later
- 3 To help fuel their propaganda machine against the poor, our government has now decided to redefine the word 'welfare'
- 4 Woman opens professional cuddling shop – gets 10,000 customers in first week
- 5 Grayson Perry: London needs affordable housing because 'rich people don't create culture'
Strictly Come Dancing 2014 results: Steve Backshall and Ola Jordan sent home
Iggy Azalea responds to Eminem rape lyrics: 'I'm bored of old men threatening young women'
British culture 'flatlining' as funds dwindle, says academic
Tom DeLonge compares streaming music to killing elephants
Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking leaked footage from Lana Del Rey rape video
Rochester by-election: Ukip gains second MP as Tory defector Mark Reckless holds seat
'Beast of Bolsover' Dennis Skinner takes Ukip MP Mark Reckless to task moments after he is sworn in
Rochester by-election: Labour MP Emily Thornberry resigns after posting white van and England flags tweet
France 'blocks' Russian sailors from boarding a warship
Rochester aftermath: Sacking of Emily Thornberry will make work of Labour MPs '10 times harder'
Revealed: How the world gets rich – from privatising British public services