The Weekly Muse
Saturday 03 April 1999
Will sing as sweet and doesn't know
It must be deaf and blind somehow
As the tide ebbs out of Kosovo
A dreadful sombre laval flow
We hold our children tighter now
With Christ-like pose and hands outstretched
Stigmata holes? Nah. Too far-fetched
It's David Beckham's Easter Look
You've said the prayers. Now read the book.
All former sins absolved no doubt.
Front page? What taste. Well done Time Out
Big libel case. Went to appeal
You must remember Morris/Steel?
The pair McDonald's took to court
And "beat" (or something of that sort)
The final score the other day,
Dropped sixty k to forty k
McJudges trimmed damages back
And ruled the risk of heart-attack
As something that is "very real".
Still sure you want that double meal?
Now one-in-five are overweight
Like trains we carry too much freight
The reason for this sorry mess?
We're "victims of our own success"
As Thameslink PR chaps might say.
We sit in cars, eat snacks all day
Watch vids and guzzle beer all night
It's sure to make our waistbands tight.
The simple answer to this bind.
Is fall in love. Leave fat behind
When Love struts in to ruin your day
You'll watch that ballast fall away.
Computerised as of this week,
I'm so put-out I cannot speak.
And most of you won't care perhaps
But men who still sport old cloth caps
Like anglers, gardeners and other chaps,
We'll miss those hand-drawn weather maps
So new research proves Beatles wrong
And money can, despite the song
Buy love, a headline claimed this week.
A prospect which is rather bleak;
For any hard-up singleton
Who'd like to feel love should be won.
So ladies, if you're feeling moony
Call the team at Essex Uni
It's their research you've got to thank
After you have phoned your bank
Cheques to "Newell"
Er... leave them blank.
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Arizona shooting: Gun instructor accidentally killed by nine-year-old girl with Uzi
- 2 Miley Cyrus' homeless MTV VMAs date, Jesse Helt, is wanted by the police
- 3 Paul Scholes: Manchester City were so good against Liverpool I felt like turning the television off
- 4 Notting Hill Carnival: Woman shares selfie after being ‘punched in face for telling man to stop groping her’
- 5 Pamela Anderson rejects ice bucket challenge because of ALS experiments on animals: 'Mice had holes drilled into their skulls'
Great British Bake Off, episode 4, review: Heat gets turned up as Iain goes into meltdown
Doctor Who kiss sparks Ofcom complaints over 'weird lesbian-lizard perv trip'
Emmys 2014: Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman and Steven Moffat win big awards for Sherlock
Homer Simpson takes the ALS ice bucket challenge because of course he does
Kate Bush, Hammersmith Apollo, gig review: Just what everyone was hoping for
Exclusive: We share blame for creating 'jihad generation', says Muslim strategist
Robin Williams Emmys tribute led by Billy Crystal criticised for including 'racist' joke about Muslim woman
The Rotherham child abuse scandal is a tale of apologists, misogyny and double standards
Scottish independence TV debate: Pumped-up Alex Salmond bounces back in bruising second round against Alistair Darling
Do you realise just how foolish the UK looks?
Arizona shooting: Gun instructor accidentally killed by nine-year-old girl with Uzi
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