The Weekly Muse
Saturday 03 April 1999
Will sing as sweet and doesn't know
It must be deaf and blind somehow
As the tide ebbs out of Kosovo
A dreadful sombre laval flow
We hold our children tighter now
With Christ-like pose and hands outstretched
Stigmata holes? Nah. Too far-fetched
It's David Beckham's Easter Look
You've said the prayers. Now read the book.
All former sins absolved no doubt.
Front page? What taste. Well done Time Out
Big libel case. Went to appeal
You must remember Morris/Steel?
The pair McDonald's took to court
And "beat" (or something of that sort)
The final score the other day,
Dropped sixty k to forty k
McJudges trimmed damages back
And ruled the risk of heart-attack
As something that is "very real".
Still sure you want that double meal?
Now one-in-five are overweight
Like trains we carry too much freight
The reason for this sorry mess?
We're "victims of our own success"
As Thameslink PR chaps might say.
We sit in cars, eat snacks all day
Watch vids and guzzle beer all night
It's sure to make our waistbands tight.
The simple answer to this bind.
Is fall in love. Leave fat behind
When Love struts in to ruin your day
You'll watch that ballast fall away.
Computerised as of this week,
I'm so put-out I cannot speak.
And most of you won't care perhaps
But men who still sport old cloth caps
Like anglers, gardeners and other chaps,
We'll miss those hand-drawn weather maps
So new research proves Beatles wrong
And money can, despite the song
Buy love, a headline claimed this week.
A prospect which is rather bleak;
For any hard-up singleton
Who'd like to feel love should be won.
So ladies, if you're feeling moony
Call the team at Essex Uni
It's their research you've got to thank
After you have phoned your bank
Cheques to "Newell"
Er... leave them blank.
Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites
TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Nigel Farage: Me vs Russell Brand on Question Time – he's got the chest hair but where are his ideas?
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Peter Lik: The self-proclaimed 'fine-art photographer' whose work sells for millions
The best underrated Christmas movies from Love, Actually to While You Were Sleeping
Grace Dent on TV: The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies was a beautifully shot, immensely considered drama
The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies, review: Jason Watkins is brilliant, but real victim Joanna Yeates is reduced to a footnote
Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking Lana Del Rey rape video
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Shock poll shows voters believe Ukip is to the left of the Tories
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits record low as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Ukip candidate jokes about 'shooting peasants' in racist and homophobic rant
Pakistan school attack live: Taliban kill at least 132 children in 'horrifying' massacre
Germany sees 'visible rise' in support for far-right extremism in response to perceived 'Islamisation' of the West