The Weekly Muse
Saturday 03 April 1999
Will sing as sweet and doesn't know
It must be deaf and blind somehow
As the tide ebbs out of Kosovo
A dreadful sombre laval flow
We hold our children tighter now
With Christ-like pose and hands outstretched
Stigmata holes? Nah. Too far-fetched
It's David Beckham's Easter Look
You've said the prayers. Now read the book.
All former sins absolved no doubt.
Front page? What taste. Well done Time Out
Big libel case. Went to appeal
You must remember Morris/Steel?
The pair McDonald's took to court
And "beat" (or something of that sort)
The final score the other day,
Dropped sixty k to forty k
McJudges trimmed damages back
And ruled the risk of heart-attack
As something that is "very real".
Still sure you want that double meal?
Now one-in-five are overweight
Like trains we carry too much freight
The reason for this sorry mess?
We're "victims of our own success"
As Thameslink PR chaps might say.
We sit in cars, eat snacks all day
Watch vids and guzzle beer all night
It's sure to make our waistbands tight.
The simple answer to this bind.
Is fall in love. Leave fat behind
When Love struts in to ruin your day
You'll watch that ballast fall away.
Computerised as of this week,
I'm so put-out I cannot speak.
And most of you won't care perhaps
But men who still sport old cloth caps
Like anglers, gardeners and other chaps,
We'll miss those hand-drawn weather maps
So new research proves Beatles wrong
And money can, despite the song
Buy love, a headline claimed this week.
A prospect which is rather bleak;
For any hard-up singleton
Who'd like to feel love should be won.
So ladies, if you're feeling moony
Call the team at Essex Uni
It's their research you've got to thank
After you have phoned your bank
Cheques to "Newell"
Er... leave them blank.
Is the comedy album making a comeback?comedy
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Woman and two children killed by mob in riots over 'blasphemous' Facebook post in Pakistan
- 2 The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
- 3 Is Ebola coming to Britain? UK health officials issue warning to doctors as outbreak fears grow
- 4 Richard Dawkins says 'date rape is bad, stranger rape is worse' on Twitter
- 5 Danish TV reporter is all business up top, all party down below
'Phallic symbols' found hidden in famous Pre-Raphaelite painting 'Isabella' by John Everett Millais
Top Gear Burma episode breached Ofcom rules over Jeremy Clarkson's racial slur
Freddie Prinze Jr on 24: 'Kiefer Sutherland was the most unprofessional dude in the world – I hated every moment of it'
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies trailer unveiled at Comic-Con
How did our legends really begin?
The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
A day in the life of Vladimir Putin: The dictator in his labyrinth
Woman and two children killed by mob in riots over 'blasphemous' Facebook post in Pakistan
Putin is 'thuggish, dishonest and reckless', says British ambassador to US
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – Britain as others see us
A new Russian revolution: The cracks are starting to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
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