The Weekly Muse
Saturday 03 April 1999
Will sing as sweet and doesn't know
It must be deaf and blind somehow
As the tide ebbs out of Kosovo
A dreadful sombre laval flow
We hold our children tighter now
With Christ-like pose and hands outstretched
Stigmata holes? Nah. Too far-fetched
It's David Beckham's Easter Look
You've said the prayers. Now read the book.
All former sins absolved no doubt.
Front page? What taste. Well done Time Out
Big libel case. Went to appeal
You must remember Morris/Steel?
The pair McDonald's took to court
And "beat" (or something of that sort)
The final score the other day,
Dropped sixty k to forty k
McJudges trimmed damages back
And ruled the risk of heart-attack
As something that is "very real".
Still sure you want that double meal?
Now one-in-five are overweight
Like trains we carry too much freight
The reason for this sorry mess?
We're "victims of our own success"
As Thameslink PR chaps might say.
We sit in cars, eat snacks all day
Watch vids and guzzle beer all night
It's sure to make our waistbands tight.
The simple answer to this bind.
Is fall in love. Leave fat behind
When Love struts in to ruin your day
You'll watch that ballast fall away.
Computerised as of this week,
I'm so put-out I cannot speak.
And most of you won't care perhaps
But men who still sport old cloth caps
Like anglers, gardeners and other chaps,
We'll miss those hand-drawn weather maps
So new research proves Beatles wrong
And money can, despite the song
Buy love, a headline claimed this week.
A prospect which is rather bleak;
For any hard-up singleton
Who'd like to feel love should be won.
So ladies, if you're feeling moony
Call the team at Essex Uni
It's their research you've got to thank
After you have phoned your bank
Cheques to "Newell"
Er... leave them blank.
Listen to his collaboration with Naughty Boymusic
Film review Michael Glatze biopic isn't about a self-hating gay man gone straight
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Katie Hopkins attacked me on Twitter — so I reported her to the police for inciting racial hatred
- 2 Google April Fools': company unveils backwards search engine and huggable digital assistant
- 3 I might be an MP, but that doesn't stop me fighting sexism with my breasts
- 4 April Fools' Day 2015: The best hoax news stories from around the internet
- 5 Gamers confess the worst things they've done in The Sims
Gaza Banksy mural sold to 'conman' for just $175
Tidal launch: The most pretentious lines from Alicia Keys' valedictory speech
Tidal: Jay Z's Spotify rival criticised for making wealthy artists even richer
Top Gear live to go ahead: Jeremy Clarkson to join Richard Hammond and James May... just don't call it Top Gear
James May hints he will not continue on Top Gear without Jeremy Clarkson
Ukip supporters are 55 or older, white and socially conservative, finds British Social Attitudes Report
Street preacher quoting from the Bible fined for calling homosexuality an 'abomination'
Katie Hopkins attacked me on Twitter — so I reported her to the police for inciting racial hatred
Woman filmed launching racist tirade against men on the Tube for speaking in 'own lingo'
The West has it totally wrong on Lee Kuan Yew
David Cameron calls Labour 'hopeless, sneering socialists' while announcing 7-day NHS plans