The Weekly Muse
Saturday 22 August 1998
As August turned the meadows
To pre-autumnal hues
In quiet west country woodland
Some badgers watched the news
"They'll gas twelve thousand of us
Within the next five years
What kind of bastards are they?"
A brock broke down in tears.
His older wiser comrade
Who'd seen it all before
Said, "Courage Badger, courage.
The public who abhor
Our slaughter in such numbers
Are bound to make a stink
And anyway our killers
Are busy with those mink."
Meanwhile in rural Suffolk
A sculptor won five grand
For eighteen rotten elm trees
Displayed on grazing land
The Arts Council assessor
Awarding him the sum
Was cornered by a farmer
Who beckoned him to come:
"Yew reck'n yew know aart, boy?
Wal' I wun't disagree...
I've got this pile o'cowshit
Per'aps yew'd like t'see..."
With Torrington, James Kelman
And Irvine Welsh dismissed
By Donald Dewar, denouncing
Their books as "workerist"
One wonders how that yobbo
Called Burns, behind the plough
Who wrote in lowland dialect
Would fare with Dewar now.
The Cabinet's full of dunces
Clare Short is in the frame
Chris Smith, Nick Brown are others.
Or that's what Mensa claim
For Mensa can assess you
But should you be in doubt
They'll put you in the picture
(The Sun will take you out).
More tension in the White House
The President in shock
His questioner relentless
The press outside en bloc:
"The actual words I used sir,"
Claimed Clinton from the dock,
"Were: Hold my calls, Lewinsky
And: Will you set my clock?"
musicReview: Culture Club performs live for first time in 12 years
Children's bookseller wins The Independent's new author search
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 This 'woman calls police to order pizza' story isn't going where you're expecting
- 2 Axe wielding man shot dead after attacking four New York policemen on busy street
- 3 Watch what happened when food critics were unknowingly served McDonald's
- 4 Jimmy Carr's Oscar Pistorius joke goes a bit too far at the Q Awards
- 5 Ottawa shootings: Bruce MacKinnon's cartoon is the perfect tribute to soldier Nathan Cirillo
Taylor Swift, 1989 - album review: Pop star shows 'promising signs of maturity'
The Apprentice 2014: Nurun Ahmed and Lindsay Booth sent home in double firing
JK Rowling to publish new Harry Potter story online for Halloween
Miranda Hart confirms eponymous sitcom has come to an end as she bows out on a 'high'
Fury, film review: Brad Pitt stars in visceral and brutally ugly drama that reminds us war is hell
Of course, teenage girls need role models – but not like beauty vlogger Zoella
Cameron is warned 'no possibility' of UK reducing immigration and that bid to bring in quota on migrant workers would be illegal
Support for EU membership 'at highest level since 1991' with most Brits wanting to stay 'in'
Thousands with degenerative conditions classified as 'fit to work in future' – despite no possibility of improvement
Residents should throw a street party and mix with immigrant neighbours, councils told
Attacks on 'Ukip Calypso' show how skewed people’s priorities are