The Weekly Muse

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Slyly fall the flakes of snow

And dust the car tops patchy white,

A wimpy, disappointing snow

For those who like the change in light

And kids who sleigh in sleep all night.

Put out a call for Desperate Dan,

He may well come in handy.

The racist accusations fly

And fall upon... The Dandy.

The Irish claim it's not PC -

A new boy on their pages,

"O'Diddle", who's a leprechaun

Accused of fresh outrages.

He makes the race seem stupid,

Which has fanned the situation

From flight of silly nonsense

To a larger conflagration.

A hugely rated race of poets,

The Irish take all credit.

The Dandy, though? I'd no idea

So many of them read it.

And Ofsted in the news again...

Unfortunate position,

Police to their profession

Or a type of Inquisition?

Let's go and ask a teacher

On edge of nervous breakdown,

Poised between the paperwork

And bureaucratic shake-down:

"There's something in the Woodhead -

Or should they make him go?"

I'm sorry, didn't hear you,

Was that a yes or no?

His favourite colour's purple,

His handbag's red and patent:

Is Tinky Winky closet?

It's possible he's blatant,

Says Reverend Jerry Falwell,

Who's issuing a warning

To guard all US children

From "Eh-oh" in the morning.

Sounds good to me, old fruit-bat,

So here's the deal we'll make:

We'll keep our Teletubbies

And you keep Ricki Lake.

The lion and the unicorn

Were in the Rose and Crown.

"You realise," the Lion remarked,

"That cig sales may go down.

They By Appointment logo

On packets means a lot."

"Yeah, right," the Unicorn replied.

"D'you wanna fag, or what?"