Festival funnies: Edinburgh's 50 best jokes

Tonight a month of stand-up comes to a climax at the 'if.comedies' awards. Ed Caesar provides an alternative guide to the gags that have illuminated the past four weeks

No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years. - Russell Brand

I'm still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63. - Bernie Clifton

After her accident, my nan had a plastic hip put in. But I thought they should have replaced it with a Slinky, coz if she did fall down the stairs again ... - Steve Williams

I'm a big Bono fan, but the man can't count. On "Vertigo", he begins with 'uno, dos, tres, catorce' which is 'one, two, three, 14' in Spanish. So maybe there isn't a crisis in Africa. Bono's just miscounted. - Al Pitcher

I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" - Glenn Wool

Jennifer Aniston goes to Malibu to shout at the sea. I drink Malibu and shout at pigeons. - Bill Bailey

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! - Frankie Boyle

I've not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson. - We are Klang (if.comeddies newcomer nominee)

Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That's a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you'd be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That's a lot of hairy women. - Shazia Mirza

A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. - Rich Hall

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs. - Patrick Monahan

Women want men in uniforms. In fact when you actually get down to it, all women really want are fascists. Hey, you can say what you like about the Nazis but those guys knew how to turn heads. - Dylan Moran

I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I've asked her to do porn and give me the money back. - Janey Godley

I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a shitty stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request. - Andrew Lawrence if.comeddies newcomer nominee)

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''. - Jason Byrne

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off. - Stephen Grant

Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S ... - Stephen K Amos

I'm a Jew, by the way. It was my agent's idea. - Simon Amstell

Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company. - Lucy Porter

Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent. - Richard Herring

My friend is Irish. - Oh really?

O'Reilly actually. - Colin and Fergus

Prison governor: "Ladies, I am going to turn this place into Midnight Express. Prisoner: 'Oh, in which case, I think I should tell you now, I'm no good on roller-skates'. - The Dutch Elm Conservatoire

I went to the JobCentre for an interview. I said: "I ain't got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off." She said: "You're exactly what they're after at Dixons". - Simon Brodkin

"If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" - Marek Larwood

Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx

As of last month we have gay bishops, official. I wonder if this will filter down into the game of chess? Those bishops can make all the same moves, but can only be taken from behind. - Jason Wood

I had a great business plan ... I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs ... there was only one tiny flaw ... - Justin Edwards

I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn't take his body down until the sixth of January. - Nick Doody

I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. - Paul Sinha (if.comeddies nominee)

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: "It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice". - Mark Watson

Let me tell you what blasphemy is. It's the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being, he's just got self-esteem issues. - Reginald D Hunter

I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's ox, except in Scrabble". - David O'Doherty (if.comeddies nominee)

Americans only re-elected George Bush to prove they had a sense of irony. - Scott Capurro

Irish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off us. Before, we were "the terrorists" but now, we're "the Riverdance people". - Andrew Maxwell

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin

Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?" - Kevin McAleer

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader - a mullah lite. - Shappi Khorsandi

Every older generation hates the younger generation, but it used to be that they said the young were getting more and more deviant. "If we wanted fun thenwe went to a barn dance," they'd say. We're the first generation of old people bitching that the young are so tame. Look at these kids - we used to do crack. These pussies just drink Red Bull and go on the patio to smoke. The closest they've come to a fist fight is in a chatroom. "You looking at my girlfriend? Well I'm going to delete you from my MySpace friends list". - Doug Stanhope

Why do women insist on asking men what they're thinking? We're thinking: "Fuck, better think of something to say." Either that or we're imagining that we're spies. - Ed Byrne

I'm mixing beats that are phat and ill, like Pavarotti. - DJ Danny

I don't mind when my jokes die because they go to heaven and get 72 virgin jokes. - Omar Marzouk

People who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food. - Russell Howard (if.comedddies nominee)

Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic. - Jimeoin

In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off. - Rhod Gilbert

I grew up in Braintree, the most ironically named town in Britain - there being neither a brain nor a tree for miles around. In Braintree, they think irony comes from elephants. - Luke Wright

My body has changed so much since I have been here. My stomach is fat from the food and booze, my legs are skinny from walking up all the hills. I've decided ET wasn't from out of space, he was from Edinburgh! - Wil Anderson

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present". - Jimmy Carr

What do you call a skinny Aussie girl with chalk on her head? A Barbie-cue. - Steve Daking

Edinburgh is the only city that I have walked completely around and only gone uphill. - Sean Collins

They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. - Phil Nichol (if.comedddies nominee)

Arts and Entertainment
Wonder.land Musical by Damon Albarn

Theatre

Arts and Entertainment

Film review

Arts and Entertainment
Innocent victim: Oli, a 13-year-old from Cornwall, featured in ‘Kids in Crisis?’
TV review
News
Northern exposure: social housing in Edinburgh, where Hassiba now works in a takeaway
books An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop
Arts and Entertainment
Terminator Genisys: Arnie remains doggedly true to his word as the man who said 'I'll be back', returning once more to protect Sarah Connor in a new instalment

 

film review
Arts and Entertainment

festivals
Arts and Entertainment

Final Top Gear review

TV
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty and Carl Barat perform at Glastonbury 2015

music
Arts and Entertainment
Lionel Richie performs live on the Pyramid stage during the third day of Glastonbury Festival

music
Arts and Entertainment
Buying a stairway to Hubbard: the Scientology centre in Los Angeles
film review Chilling inside views on a secretive church
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Williamson, left, and Andrew Fearn of Sleaford Mods
musicYou are nobody in public life until you have been soundly insulted by Sleaford Mods
Arts and Entertainment
Natalie Dew (Jess) in Bend It Like Beckham The Musical
theatreReview: Bend It Like Beckham hits back of the net on opening night
Arts and Entertainment
The young sea-faring Charles Darwin – seen here in an 1809 portrait – is to be portrayed as an Indiana Jones-style adventurer
film
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Is this the future of flying: battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks?

    Is this the future of flying?

    Battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks
    Isis are barbarians – but the Caliphate is a dream at the heart of all Muslim traditions

    Isis are barbarians

    but the Caliphate is an ancient Muslim ideal
    The Brink's-Mat curse strikes again: three tons of stolen gold that brought only grief

    Curse of Brink's Mat strikes again

    Death of John 'Goldfinger' Palmer the latest killing related to 1983 heist
    Greece debt crisis: 'The ministers talk to us about miracles' – why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum

    'The ministers talk to us about miracles'

    Why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum
    Call of the wild: How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate

    Call of the wild

    How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate
    Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

    'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

    If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
    The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

    The science of swearing

    What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

    Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
    Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

    Africa on the menu

    Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
    Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

    Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

    The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
    10 best statement lightbulbs

    10 best statement lightbulbs

    Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
    Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
    Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

    Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

    It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
    Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

    Dustin Brown

    Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
    Ashes 2015: Damien Martyn - 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

    Damien Martyn: 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

    Australian veteran of that Ashes series, believes the hosts' may become unstoppable if they win the first Test