Ten Activities Which
Exist Only Because They
Give a Great Deal of Pleasure to the Participants and
Despite the Fact They Give None at All to the Onlookers
The Booker Prize
Ten Things Which Become
Unpleasant When Wet
Newspapers left out in rain
A supposedly rainproof Dryzabone hat
The little pile of salt on the side of your plate
Large areas of Welsh farmland
Ten Great Modern Mysteries
Why do computer magazines all look so badly designed?
Why is so much advanced computer knowledge spread by such an old-fashioned medium as a magazine?
Why is everything hailed as the new rock'n'roll, and nothing ever hailed as the new sex or drugs?
Why was Rumer Godden called Rumer?
Why is every successful new film automatically the biggest box office grosser of all time?
Why are they called block-busters?
Who ever reads the credits on a feature film?
Whatever happened to Swampy?
Why do insurance salesmen desperate to sell you something use your first name in every sentence until it drives you mad and you refuse to buy it?
What is this thing called love?
Ten Things We Won't Have
to Endure Until the Next
The next World Cup
The next Olympic Games
Another British general election
Another big royal birthday
Another much-heralded but, as it turns out, invisible shower of shooting stars
Another not very interesting battle to be Poet Laureate
The first ever Millennium Dome retrospective post-mortem
The excitement of having a high speed link to the Channel Tunnel
Another Eurovision Song Contest with Irish dancers all over the place
The sight of unemployed hereditary peers in the streets, selling The Big Issue
Ten Unpleasant Smells
The smell of the air which you let out of a tyre
The smell of damp bathing suits
The smell of the hair of the person in front of you in the theatre
The smell of too much aftershave
The smell of fear
The smell of a new pub
The smell of rain on clothes
The smell of a room that nobody's been in for years
The smell of a sleeping dog's fart
The smell of your own breath
Ten Famous Songs Whose
Titles Are Actually a Direct
Contradiction of the Truth
"A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square"
"I'm the Sheik of Araby"
"A Boy's Best Friend Is His Mother"
"Our Love is Here to Stay"
"I've Got The World On a String"
"It's Only a Paper Moon"
"We're Going to Hang Out the Washing on the Siegfried Line"
"Life Begins at Forty"
"There'll Be Bluebirds Over the White Cliffs of Dover"
"It's a Long Long Way to Tipperary"Reuse content