Three score and ten observations of pith and moment

Why is every successful new film automatically the biggest box office grosser of all time?
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Ten Activities Which Might Be More Attractive If It Were Not for the Unattractiveness of Some of the People Involved

Fox hunting







The Monarchy

Rugby Union


Ten Activities Which

Exist Only Because They

Give a Great Deal of Pleasure to the Participants and

Despite the Fact They Give None at All to the Onlookers

or Listeners

Amateur dramatics

Scat singing

Drum solos

Church sermons

Morris dancing

School plays

Parachute jumping

Party conferences

Mini golf

The Booker Prize

Ten Things Which Become

Unpleasant When Wet

Bath mats

Corn flakes

Conservative politicians

Newspapers left out in rain

A supposedly rainproof Dryzabone hat

Potato crisps

The little pile of salt on the side of your plate



Large areas of Welsh farmland

Ten Great Modern Mysteries

Why do computer magazines all look so badly designed?

Why is so much advanced computer knowledge spread by such an old-fashioned medium as a magazine?

Why is everything hailed as the new rock'n'roll, and nothing ever hailed as the new sex or drugs?

Why was Rumer Godden called Rumer?

Why is every successful new film automatically the biggest box office grosser of all time?

Why are they called block-busters?

Who ever reads the credits on a feature film?

Whatever happened to Swampy?

Why do insurance salesmen desperate to sell you something use your first name in every sentence until it drives you mad and you refuse to buy it?

What is this thing called love?

Ten Things We Won't Have

to Endure Until the Next


The next World Cup

The next Olympic Games

Another British general election

Another big royal birthday

Another much-heralded but, as it turns out, invisible shower of shooting stars

Another not very interesting battle to be Poet Laureate

The first ever Millennium Dome retrospective post-mortem

The excitement of having a high speed link to the Channel Tunnel

The Euro

Another Eurovision Song Contest with Irish dancers all over the place

The sight of unemployed hereditary peers in the streets, selling The Big Issue

Ten Unpleasant Smells

The smell of the air which you let out of a tyre

The smell of damp bathing suits

The smell of the hair of the person in front of you in the theatre

The smell of too much aftershave

The smell of fear

The smell of a new pub

The smell of rain on clothes

The smell of a room that nobody's been in for years

The smell of a sleeping dog's fart

The smell of your own breath

Ten Famous Songs Whose

Titles Are Actually a Direct

Contradiction of the Truth

"A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square"

"I'm the Sheik of Araby"

"A Boy's Best Friend Is His Mother"

"Our Love is Here to Stay"

"I've Got The World On a String"

"It's Only a Paper Moon"

"We're Going to Hang Out the Washing on the Siegfried Line"

"Life Begins at Forty"

"There'll Be Bluebirds Over the White Cliffs of Dover"

"It's a Long Long Way to Tipperary"