Trending: A right royal turn off

view gallery VIEW GALLERY

The weather was atrocious and the TV coverage wasn't much better. Tim Walker gives his verdict on the Jubilee Pageant presenters' most painful moments

Matt & Sophie

"Was it just me, or did the Beeb's coverage of the Jubilee Big Boat Challenge feel like a five-hour episode of The One Show?" So tweeted the Corporation's embittered ex-employee, Jonathan Ross. And BBC1's teatime magazine show did appear to be the model for the day's programming. There was Matt Baker on the sofa, rictus-grinning at Sophie Raworth, their set's picture-window framed by an inexplicably pink rectangle. If Jeremy Clarkson had dropped by and threatened to shoot somebody, it might even have been entertaining.


Most people praised Sky's uncluttered coverage, but its grouchy anchor Eamonn Holmes would have preferred the BBC studio to his leaky canvas canopy. The Northern Irishman began the afternoon with the necessary platitudes about bad weather being all part of the fun, but ended it by whinging incessantly about his soggy back.


Sky's Jubilee team also featured Adam Boulton, Adam Boulton's bright pink jacket and the rolling news channel's resident soft-porn novelist, Kay Burley. Ms Burley accosted a pair of young monarchists on the South Bank. "Are you brother and sister?" she asked. "No," they replied, "we're both brothers." In Kay's defence, the boys were wearing Union Jack perm wigs.


Meanwhile, back on the Beeb, sports commentator Paul Dickenson was still working his way through his Thesaurus. Not a single boat went by without being awarded a hyperbolic adjective: splendid, magnificent, fabulous, majestic. Dickenson briefly became a trending topic, thanks to his repeated assertion that this might be "the BBC's Canaletto Moment". Wishful thinking, I fear.


It all seemed to be going rather well for doughty John Sergeant on Westminster Bridge, listening to Richard E Grant recite Wordsworth. Until Sergeant discussed with BBC weatherperson Carol Kirkwood how it had been similarly damp on the day of the Coronation: "You were around to see the Coronation, weren't you Carol?" No she wasn't, you old rascal. She was born in 1962!


As the Spirit of Chartwell ferried the Queen between the raised halves of Tower Bridge, the BBC cut instead to HMS Belfast, where Fearne Cotton was talking loudly at war veterans. "Cor," she yelled at one of the heroic old buffers, "you got hit by a torpedo, didn't you, and held on to a dead shark!" Remarkably, the story was true.


Was it a beige hydrangea, or roadkill hedgehog? Either way, Tess Daly's fascinator did its job, keeping viewers interested during her all-too-frequent reports from the bandstand in Battersea Park.


It's Anneka Rice! Back from oblivion! And chatting with the aspiring Canalettos who'd painted the scene. But paint and rain proved an unfortunate combination. When one lady revealed her handiwork, transformed by the weather into a Rorschach test, the presenter insisted it was Monet-esque. More like something Mark Rothko might've painted when he was suicidal.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

Arts and Entertainment
Israeli-born actress Gal Gadot has been cast to play Wonder Woman
Top Gear presenter James May appears to be struggling with his new-found free time
Arts and Entertainment
Kendrick Lamar at the Made in America Festival in Los Angeles last summer
Arts and Entertainment
'Marley & Me' with Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson
Arts and Entertainment
Jon Hamm (right) and John Slattery in the final series of Mad Men
Arts and Entertainment
Arts and Entertainment
Place Blanche, Paris, 1961, shot by Christer Strömholm
photographyHow the famous camera transformed photography for ever
Arts and Entertainment
The ‘Westmacott Athlete’
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tv Some of the characters appear to have clear real-life counterparts
Brooks is among a dozen show-business professionals ever to have achieved Egot status
Arts and Entertainment
A cut above: Sean Penn is outclassed by Mark Rylance in The Gunman
film review
Arts and Entertainment
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
James Franco and Zachary Quinto in I Am Michael

Film review Michael Glatze biopic isn't about a self-hating gay man gone straight

Arts and Entertainment
A scene from the movie 'Get Hard'
tvWill Ferrell’s new film Get Hard receives its first reviews
Arts and Entertainment
Left to right: David Cameron (Mark Dexter), Nick Clegg (Bertie Carvel) and Gordon Brown (Ian Grieve)
tvReview: Ian Grieve gets another chance to play Gordon Brown... this is the kinder version
Arts and Entertainment
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the first look picture from next year's Sherlock special

Arts and Entertainment
Because it wouldn’t be Glastonbury without people kicking off about the headline acts, a petition has already been launched to stop Kanye West performing on the Saturday night

Arts and Entertainment
Molly Risker, Helen Monks, Caden-Ellis Wall, Rebekah Staton, Erin Freeman, Philip Jackson and Alexa Davies in ‘Raised by Wolves’

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

Arts and Entertainment
James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond in the Top Gear Patagonia Special

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    No postcode? No vote

    Floating voters

    How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
    Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

    By Reason of Insanity

    Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
    Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

    Power dressing is back

    But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
    Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

    Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

    Caves were re-opened to the public
    'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

    Vince Cable interview

    'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
    Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

    Promises, promises

    But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
    The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

    The death of a Gaza fisherman

    He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
    Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

    Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

    Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
    Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

    The only direction Zayn could go

    We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
    Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

    Spells like teen spirit

    A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
    Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

    If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

    British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
    Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

    Licence to offend in the land of the free

    Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell
    From farm to fork: Meet the Cornish fishermen, vegetable-growers and butchers causing a stir in London's top restaurants

    From farm to fork in Cornwall

    One man is bringing together Cornwall's most accomplished growers, fishermen and butchers with London's best chefs to put the finest, freshest produce on the plates of some of the country’s best restaurants
    Robert Parker interview: The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes

    Robert Parker interview

    The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes
    Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

    Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

    We exaggerate regional traits and turn them into jokes - and those on the receiving end are in on it too, says DJ Taylor