James Corrigan: I'm the sports audience, get the celebrities out of here

View From The Sofa: Our best and worst awards of 2009

Legend has it (not to mention Google) that Jack Benny once stepped up to receive a comedy prize and pronounced: "I don't deserve this award. But then, I've got arthritis. And I don't deserve that either."

Oh, for the recipients of the "Sport On TV" winners to show such a mixture of humility and humour in our awards spectacular, which, as tradition dictates, will take place in the bunker underneath Dom Joly's residence. But there you are. As the sheikhs are often heard to say down at Manchester City, one can only work with what one's got. Here are our 2009 victors...



Best pundit

We can't give it to John McEnroe every year. David Lloyd is not everyone's cup of Darjeeling but to this column he can do no Oolong. Bumble is the one cricket commentator left in charge of a microphone who appreciates that to we heathens, Test match cricket can be a bit, erm, boring. "An Aussie came up to me in the hotel this morning and said, 'Hey, you look like one of The Proclaimers'," piped up Lloyd just as the eyelids were drooping. "I said to him, 'What d'you mean, one of them?' They're identical twins'."



Worst pundit

We can't give it to Alan Shearer every year. Yes we can! Wor' Al is this generation's Denis Law; a striker with magic in his boots and marshmallow in his gob. Bless the BBC for keeping him in the front line even when every instance of cranium-sucking banality demands he be packed off to work with Adrian Chiles and the reserves. It could have been all so different if Mike Ashley had any sense whatsoever and had handed Shearer the millions he said were necessary to return Newcastle to the promised land. But no, Ashley had to be clever. Sell all the best players, promote the janitor. And where do the Geordies find themselves now? Eight points clear at the top of the Championship. The Toon Army's gain is very much the Armchair Army's loss.

The 'I wish I'd said that' award

When Usain Bolt runs 100 metres there is not much time to react. It is the equivalent of calling the dawn shoot-out from Dodge City. Blink and you'll miss it. Blink twice and you'll miss the bodies being carried out. All credit, then, to Steve Cram for coming up with this the instant Bolt had crossed the line on one of our many rainy July evenings. "9.92 into a serious headwind," came the Cram cry. "He laughs, we draw breath and once again wonder at this man. Who can live with him? The flags fly, the Jamaican colours light up Crystal Palace and Usain Bolt continues on a journey, which perhaps only he knows where it will end. He shows he not only has the speed, but also the strength when the gales are in his face. No, not even the weather can slow down Usain Bolt."



The 'I wish he hadn't been allowed to say that' award

It was Saturday at Turnberry and Gary Lineker, the Andrew Marr of the fairways, was leading an in-depth discussion on the reasons Tiger Woods missed his first Open cut. Who better to ask than the well-known radio celebrity and lesser-known swing expert Chris Evans? "Well, in the pub last night we were saying it's because Tiger can't shape the ball." And there we had it. The most numbskulled comment from this or any sporting year. It said everything about the BBC's attitude. Sod the insight, give 'em a face they recognise. The corporation is celebrity-obsessed. Get them the hell out of here.

Arts and Entertainment
Rachel McAdams in True Detective season 2

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Off the wall: the cast of ‘Life in Squares’

TV
Arts and Entertainment

Books And it is whizzpopping!

Arts and Entertainment
Bono throws water at the crowd while the Edge watches as they perform in the band's first concert of their new world tour in Vancouver

MusicThey're running their own restaurants

Voices
The main entrance to the BBC headquarters in London
TV & Radio
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Solved after 200 years: the mysterious deaths of 3,000 soldiers from Napoleon's army

    Solved after 200 years

    The mysterious deaths of 3,000 soldiers from Napoleon's army
    Every regional power has betrayed the Kurds so Turkish bombing is no surprise

    Robert Fisk on the Turkey conflict

    Every regional power has betrayed the Kurds so Turkish bombing is no surprise
    Investigation into wreck of unidentified submarine found off the coast of Sweden

    Sunken sub

    Investigation underway into wreck of an unidentified submarine found off the coast of Sweden
    Instagram and Facebook have 'totally changed' the way people buy clothes

    Age of the selfie

    Instagram and Facebook have 'totally changed' the way people buy clothes
    Not so square: How BBC's Bloomsbury saga is sexing up the period drama

    Not so square

    How Virginia Woolf saga is sexing up the BBC period drama
    Rio Olympics 2016: The seven teenagers still carrying a torch for our Games hopes

    Still carrying the torch

    The seven teenagers given our Olympic hopes
    The West likes to think that 'civilisation' will defeat Isis, but history suggests otherwise

    The West likes to think that 'civilisation' will defeat Isis...

    ...but history suggests otherwise
    The bald truth: How one author's thinning hair made him a Wayne Rooney sympathiser

    The bald truth

    How thinning hair made me a Wayne Rooney sympathiser
    Froome wins second Tour de France after triumphant ride into Paris with Team Sky

    Tour de France 2015

    Froome rides into Paris to win historic second Tour
    Fifteen years ago, Concorde crashed, and a dream died. Today, the desire to travel faster than the speed of sound is growing once again

    A new beginning for supersonic flight?

    Concorde's successors are in the works 15 years on from the Paris crash
    I would never quit Labour, says Liz Kendall

    I would never quit party, says Liz Kendall

    Latest on the Labour leadership contest
    Froome seals second Tour de France victory

    Never mind Pinot, it’s bubbly for Froome

    Second Tour de France victory all but sealed
    Oh really? How the 'lowest form of wit' makes people brighter and more creative

    The uses of sarcasm

    'Lowest form of wit' actually makes people brighter and more creative
    A magazine editor with no vanity, and lots of flair

    No vanity, but lots of flair

    A tribute to the magazine editor Ingrid Sischy
    Foraging: How the British rediscovered their taste for chasing after wild food

    In praise of foraging

    How the British rediscovered their taste for wild food