James Corrigan: I'm the sports audience, get the celebrities out of here

View From The Sofa: Our best and worst awards of 2009

Legend has it (not to mention Google) that Jack Benny once stepped up to receive a comedy prize and pronounced: "I don't deserve this award. But then, I've got arthritis. And I don't deserve that either."

Oh, for the recipients of the "Sport On TV" winners to show such a mixture of humility and humour in our awards spectacular, which, as tradition dictates, will take place in the bunker underneath Dom Joly's residence. But there you are. As the sheikhs are often heard to say down at Manchester City, one can only work with what one's got. Here are our 2009 victors...

Best pundit

We can't give it to John McEnroe every year. David Lloyd is not everyone's cup of Darjeeling but to this column he can do no Oolong. Bumble is the one cricket commentator left in charge of a microphone who appreciates that to we heathens, Test match cricket can be a bit, erm, boring. "An Aussie came up to me in the hotel this morning and said, 'Hey, you look like one of The Proclaimers'," piped up Lloyd just as the eyelids were drooping. "I said to him, 'What d'you mean, one of them?' They're identical twins'."

Worst pundit

We can't give it to Alan Shearer every year. Yes we can! Wor' Al is this generation's Denis Law; a striker with magic in his boots and marshmallow in his gob. Bless the BBC for keeping him in the front line even when every instance of cranium-sucking banality demands he be packed off to work with Adrian Chiles and the reserves. It could have been all so different if Mike Ashley had any sense whatsoever and had handed Shearer the millions he said were necessary to return Newcastle to the promised land. But no, Ashley had to be clever. Sell all the best players, promote the janitor. And where do the Geordies find themselves now? Eight points clear at the top of the Championship. The Toon Army's gain is very much the Armchair Army's loss.

The 'I wish I'd said that' award

When Usain Bolt runs 100 metres there is not much time to react. It is the equivalent of calling the dawn shoot-out from Dodge City. Blink and you'll miss it. Blink twice and you'll miss the bodies being carried out. All credit, then, to Steve Cram for coming up with this the instant Bolt had crossed the line on one of our many rainy July evenings. "9.92 into a serious headwind," came the Cram cry. "He laughs, we draw breath and once again wonder at this man. Who can live with him? The flags fly, the Jamaican colours light up Crystal Palace and Usain Bolt continues on a journey, which perhaps only he knows where it will end. He shows he not only has the speed, but also the strength when the gales are in his face. No, not even the weather can slow down Usain Bolt."

The 'I wish he hadn't been allowed to say that' award

It was Saturday at Turnberry and Gary Lineker, the Andrew Marr of the fairways, was leading an in-depth discussion on the reasons Tiger Woods missed his first Open cut. Who better to ask than the well-known radio celebrity and lesser-known swing expert Chris Evans? "Well, in the pub last night we were saying it's because Tiger can't shape the ball." And there we had it. The most numbskulled comment from this or any sporting year. It said everything about the BBC's attitude. Sod the insight, give 'em a face they recognise. The corporation is celebrity-obsessed. Get them the hell out of here.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

Arts and Entertainment
Arts and Entertainment
Place Blanche, Paris, 1961, shot by Christer Strömholm
photographyHow the famous camera transformed photography for ever
Arts and Entertainment
The ‘Westmacott Athlete’
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tv Some of the characters appear to have clear real-life counterparts
Brooks is among a dozen show-business professionals ever to have achieved Egot status
Arts and Entertainment
A cut above: Sean Penn is outclassed by Mark Rylance in The Gunman
film review
Arts and Entertainment
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
James Franco and Zachary Quinto in I Am Michael

Film review Michael Glatze biopic isn't about a self-hating gay man gone straight

Arts and Entertainment
A scene from the movie 'Get Hard'
tvWill Ferrell’s new film Get Hard receives its first reviews
Arts and Entertainment
Left to right: David Cameron (Mark Dexter), Nick Clegg (Bertie Carvel) and Gordon Brown (Ian Grieve)
tvReview: Ian Grieve gets another chance to play Gordon Brown... this is the kinder version
Arts and Entertainment
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the first look picture from next year's Sherlock special

Arts and Entertainment
Because it wouldn’t be Glastonbury without people kicking off about the headline acts, a petition has already been launched to stop Kanye West performing on the Saturday night

Arts and Entertainment
Molly Risker, Helen Monks, Caden-Ellis Wall, Rebekah Staton, Erin Freeman, Philip Jackson and Alexa Davies in ‘Raised by Wolves’

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

Arts and Entertainment
James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond in the Top Gear Patagonia Special

Arts and Entertainment
Game of Thrones will run for ten years if HBO gets its way but showrunners have mentioned ending it after seven

Game of Thrones
Arts and Entertainment
Mans Zelmerlow will perform 'Heroes' for Sweden at the Eurovision Song Contest 2015

Arts and Entertainment
Elizabeth (Heida Reed) and Ross Poldark (Aiden Turner) in the BBC's remake of their 1975 original Poldark

Poldark review
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    No postcode? No vote

    Floating voters

    How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
    Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

    By Reason of Insanity

    Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
    Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

    Power dressing is back

    But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
    Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

    Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

    Caves were re-opened to the public
    'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

    Vince Cable interview

    'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
    Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

    Promises, promises

    But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
    The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

    The death of a Gaza fisherman

    He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
    Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

    Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

    Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
    Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

    The only direction Zayn could go

    We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
    Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

    Spells like teen spirit

    A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
    Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

    If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

    British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
    Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

    Licence to offend in the land of the free

    Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell
    From farm to fork: Meet the Cornish fishermen, vegetable-growers and butchers causing a stir in London's top restaurants

    From farm to fork in Cornwall

    One man is bringing together Cornwall's most accomplished growers, fishermen and butchers with London's best chefs to put the finest, freshest produce on the plates of some of the country’s best restaurants
    Robert Parker interview: The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes

    Robert Parker interview

    The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes
    Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

    Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

    We exaggerate regional traits and turn them into jokes - and those on the receiving end are in on it too, says DJ Taylor