Kirstie's Crafty Christmas, Channel 4 - TV review
Sorry to spoil the party, but Kirstie's festive offering was a bit of a turkey
Ellen E Jones
Ellen is The Independent's TV critic. She writes a daily review of Last Night's TV and a weekly 'Inside TV' column for the i paper, as well as a column on general topics for the main paper most Wednesdays. Ellen is a former Hollywood correspondent and a contributing editor to Little White Lies, she's written on TV, film, lifestyle, travel and politics for publications including the Guardian, The Times, The Sunday Times, Esquire and Total Film.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
Christmas is about big-impact crafts that can be done in no time," announced Kirstie Allsopp at the beginning of Kirstie's Crafty Christmas. Is it? I thought it was a pagan light festival with a bit of Jesus thrown in, but you learn something new every day.
This is the fifth year of the Location Location Location host's annual foray into Christmas crafting and she hasn't run out of ideas yet. Our evening included mince pie flavoured popcorn (yum), glittery baubles, pom-poms and party hats, while the how-to instructions ranged in difficulty from pitifully simple to risibly complex.
At my school we did tie-dye all the time (benefits of an Eighties education), so I was left unmoved by Kirstie's attempts to revolutionise my world with tie-dyed underwear as a homemade gift. Then there was a neon Star of Bethlehem made under the instruction of "King of Neon" Chris Bracey. "In your face, Blue Peter!" I thought. "Now, finally, TV is going to teach me how to make something cool!" Of course, we learnt nothing of the kind. Kirstie delegated all the neon technicalities to Chris and the glass-blowing to some bloke called Bill. She wasn't even in the room!
Even when Kirstie wasn't cheating, two questions wafted through the air like the festive aroma of pine: Can anyone actually be bothered with all this? Wouldn't it be easier to just buy it from the shop? Those who could be bothered, were invited for a sparsely attended cocktail party round Kirstie's (read: a TV studio), where her craftiness was on show. They sampled the West Country Christmas cocktail, bathed in the glow of the neon star and talked the awkward small talk of people being filmed for a Channel 4 lifestyle special.
Ultimately, your enjoyment of Kirstie's Crafty Christmas depended not on the quality of the craft ideas (which, let's be honest, no one will ever attempt at home in a million years) but the strength of your feelings for Allsopp. Some will have felt suitably titillated when Kirstie held up her newly tie-dyed knickers and said "Matching socks and pants, now that's something to strive for, isn't it?" Others will have reached for the remote control.
film Sex scene trailer sees a shirtless Jamie Dornan turn up the heat
Maisie Williams single-handedly rises to the challengeTV
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Venezuela Expo Tattoo 2015: Extreme body art from 'Vampire Woman' to 109mm earlobes
- 2 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 3 Ball pool for adults opens in London
- 4 Amal Clooney gives excellent response to fashion question at European Court of Human Rights
- 5 Rashida Jones speaks out against male-centric porn saying 'women should have sex and feel good about it'
Venezuela Expo Tattoo 2015: Extreme body art from 'Vampire Woman' to 109mm earlobes
Game of Thrones really doesn't want Danny Dyer - EastEnders star rejected three times
Game of Thrones season 5 trailer: The first full-length look is here
Sia apologises for 'Elastic Heart' music video that sees Shia LaBeouf wrestle 12-year-old Maddie Ziegler
25 years of Disney: How Darth Vader, Iron Man, Elsa and Pixar's geniuses helped the company conquer the world (again)
9 reasons Greece's experiment with the radical left is doomed to failure
Have we reached 'peak food'? Shortages loom as global production rates slow
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
British grandmother Lindsay Sandiford faces execution by firing squad in Indonesia
Liberal Democrat minister defends comments suggesting immigration causes pub closures
King Abdullah dead: We can't afford not to hold Saudi Arabia's royals to account