Sport on TV: Fash in the pan is the sauce of much mirth with ego florentine

Of all the social faux pas committed by our footballers in recent times, surely nothing can compare with the idea of old players trying to cook dinner for each other.

But on Come Dine With Me Footballers Special (Channel 4, Thursday) this dangerous experiment was immediately made worse when Neil Ruddock opened the door to his guests dressed in nothing but an apron to hide his sweetmeats. As John Fashanu said: "I didn't know whether to jump on his back and ride him or shake his hand." That'll be the horse d'oeuvre then. And it's probably best not to shake his hand, or anything else either.

This was too good to be true. Four former England internationals followed the efforts of four WAGs the previous night, and Fashanu was at his cringeworthy worst. As if putting red wine in the fridge wasn't bad enough, he left the Chablis out. And then he drained off the water from the mince to serve as the gravy for his shepherd's pie.

He said of the pie, "I almost delighted myself while eating," which made you wonder what else he had put in the gravy to thicken it. And he described Ruddock's eggs florentine as "succulent!", much to the amusement of Ruddock, who pointed out that the adjective was usually applied to meat. And he knows all about flesh.

Frank Worthington's first dish was avocado vinaigrette, which he pronounced "vinea grey". But in the end he just poured on vinegar instead and the occasion turned sour. Then it was jelly for pudding, whereupon the boys, like the big kids they are, just threw it at each other. No breaking the mould here. Or was there?

This was actually a WAGs special too; "Razor" had help from his fiancée and his mum, "Worthy" from his missus; and "Fash", who is in love with himself, opted for a masseuse who presumably attended to his ego as well. But Carlton Palmer took lessons from the chef at his local pub, serving up grilled fillet of line-caught sea bass with sauce vierge and balsamic vinegar.

He had never cooked before but even Fashanu was effusive in his praise. "Succulently put," as Ruddock observed. So we can expect a little bistro to open soon chez Carlton; Pro Shooter di Palmer, anyone?



Worthington and Ruddock live in terraced houses, which was emblematic of how precarious the game's riches really are. Panorama – Man Utd: Into The Red (BBC2, Tuesday) made the point as subtly as a bailiff rooting through your house. It scrutinised the finances of the club's owners, the Glazers, and the figures are staggering.

Now the American family are borrowing millions off the club as the mortgages on their shopping mall rental business in the States spiral out of control. In the tumbleweed-strewn American hinterland, the shops lie empty. It's hardly surprising that the Glazers don't get any credit for what they've done at United.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Taylor Swift won Best International Solo Female (Getty)

Brits 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Shining star: Maika Monroe, with Jake Weary, in ‘It Follows’
film review
Arts and Entertainment

Brits 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Paloma Faith arrives at the Brit Awards (Getty)

Brits 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Anne Boleyn's beheading in BBC Two's Wolf Hall

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Follow every rainbow: Julie Andrews in 'The Sound of Music'
film Elizabeth Von Trapp reveals why the musical is so timeless
Arts and Entertainment
Bytes, camera, action: Leehom Wang in ‘Blackhat’
film
Arts and Entertainment
The Libertines will headline this year's festival
music
Arts and Entertainment
Richard Dean Anderson in the original TV series, which ran for seven seasons from 1985-1992
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Muscling in: Noah Stewart and Julia Bullock in 'The Indian Queen'

opera
Arts and Entertainment
Olivia Colman and David Tennant star in 'Broadchurch'

TVViewers predict what will happen to Miller and Hardy
Arts and Entertainment
Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright in season two of the series

Watch the new House of Cards series three trailer

TV
Arts and Entertainment
An extract from the sequel to Fight Club

books
Arts and Entertainment
David Tennant, Eve Myles and Olivia Colman in Broadchurch series two

TV Review
Arts and Entertainment
Old dogs are still learning in 'New Tricks'

TV
Arts and Entertainment
'Tonight we honour Hollywood’s best and whitest – sorry, brightest' - and other Neil Patrick Harris Oscars jokes

Oscars 2015It was the first time Barney has compered the Academy Awards

Arts and Entertainment
Patricia Arquette making her acceptance speech for winning Best Actress Award

Oscars 2015 From Meryl Streep whooping Patricia Arquette's equality speech to Chris Pine in tears

Arts and Entertainment

Oscars 2015 Mexican filmmaker uses speech to urge 'respect' for immigrants

Arts and Entertainment
Lloyd-Hughes takes the leading role as Ralph Whelan in Channel 4's epic new 10-part drama, Indian Summers

TV Review

The intrigue deepens as we delve further but don't expect any answers just yet
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz star in Sex Tape

Razzies 2015 Golden Raspberry Awards 'honours' Cameron Diaz and Kirk Cameron

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

    Climate change key in Syrian conflict

    And it will trigger more war in future
    How I outwitted the Gestapo

    How I outwitted the Gestapo

    My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
    The nation's favourite animal revealed

    The nation's favourite animal revealed

    Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
    Is this the way to get young people to vote?

    Getting young people to vote

    From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
    Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

    Poldark star Heida Reed

    'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
    The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

    The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

    Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
    Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

    Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

    Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
    Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

    David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

    The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
    Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

    Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

    Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
    With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

    Money, corruption and drugs

    The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
    America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

    150 years after it was outlawed...

    ... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
    Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

    Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

    The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
    Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

    You won't believe your eyes

    Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
    Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

    Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

    The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
    War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

    The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

    Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn