Weekly Muse

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The Independent Culture
The twelfth, the glorious, goriest twelfth

Had been eclipsed in every way.

Front pages held for other news.

The grouse must wait an extra day

While under fickle August skies,

The public's mind on other things,

The willowherb begins to die

As autumn calls her from the wings.

Thirty years ago this week

The Beatles posed on Abbey Road

And since that day the tourists come

To tax the poor old Green Cross Code

Beyond belief, by traipsing back

And forth across the zebra bars

As Jean-Paul, Jorg and Rico prat

Around in front of hooting cars.

A showbiz guy from way-back-when,

That paragon of charm and tact,

The Duke of Edinburgh appears

To cheer them with his peerless act.

A song, a smile, a ready quip,

But people have heard quite enough.

He needs some new material;

I've dashed him off some current stuff:

What is it that's a witless, racist

Mix of English, German, Greek,

Produces nothing, spends a lot,

And makes the papers every week;

Anachronistic, arrogant,

Creates a quite disastrous mess,

And shouldn't really say too much?

Well, I don't know. You'll have to guess.

What do you reckon to it, sir?

I've got a million - just say when.

My rates are highly treasonable...

Oh well. Bang goes my knighthood then.

John Major says that "Thatcher

Was intolerable". No, surely not?

They must have misconstrued him

In that interview the Beeb have got.

"Incessant plotting... drove a wedge

Between them both". Must be a lie.

The gentle former doyenne?

No. She wouldn't hurt a fly.

A brothel with a difference -

Its customers are female -

Has opened in South Africa:

They've been in touch by e-mail.

For British chaps who're interested,

They've told me what it's like.

Although the work's demanding,

They've never had a strike.

The training can be arduous

But once you've got your grade

You're working to a rhythm

And overtime's well-paid.

You clock on in the morning,

Get started straightaway,

Though knocking-off time varies

And tends to last all day.

The tips can be enormous

But subject to delay.

Address is: House of Spartacus,

Johannesburg, SA.