Wickedly Fulham: Life in the GTi crowd

The day starts with tennis in Bishop's Park. Until admission to Hurlingham, these courts suffice. He wears a baseball cap, trendy top and surfer's shorts. Ray-bans hang from his neck. The game cures his hangover - from a heavy night in the Hollywood Road. He drives an open-top Golf GTi to 'Crocs' on Fulham Road for brunch. Here he can sit at a pavement table and display his signet ring whilst tucking into a hearty meal washed down with Buck's fizz and a cappuccino. He smokes endless Marlboro Lights and fondles a plastic lighter bearing the faded motif of some hotel in St Moritz. There are three topics of conversation - plans to partake in the Cresta Run, what car to 'change up to', and Four Weddings and a Funeral (ad nauseam).

By 1.30pm he is on his way to The Harbour Club where Camilla, his designer girlfriend, has spent two hours on the sunbed. Camilla is vital to his afternoon. She is tall, blonde and attractive and he needs her to be seen on his arm.

To ensure Camilla's company he has to compromise. She wants to go shopping in Sloane Street. He would rather watch rugby on TV. They spend three hours window-shopping. She wants a handbag from Louis Vuitton. He cannot afford the one she wants but dares not admit it. A tantrum is threatened, but Camilla settles for a bottle of scent (Cristalle, by Chanel).

He drops Camilla at her flat, just off Munster Road. Tonight they are going to Sebastian's. On his way home he stops at the 'Rat and Parrot' at the corner of Munster and Fulham roads to have 'a few beers' with Janice, just back from 'Honkers' (Hong Kong). By 8pm he is resplendent in blazer and moleskins from Hackett and a Cavenagh shirt. The GTi is left at Camilla's flat (tactical move).

Sebastian's party is fabulous. Everyone is a darling or a sweetie. Charlotte and Emily have had a 'wicked time' at Ed's villa in Tuscany. Gideon has to be at Gatwick at 5am. The party over, they head for 'The Nosh Brothers', 773 Fulham Road. It's untrashable and if anyone gets out of control they will be threatened with a meat cleaver or 10 minutes in the deep freeze.

By 12.30 the conversation has turned to clubbing. Sebastian claims he can get them into Annabel's, but back-pedals when the idea is taken up with enthusiasm. They end up, reluctantly, at 'The Hudson Club' (formerly 'Bratts') opposite the Natural History Museum. This is seen as passe. Drinks are overpriced and the music outdated, but everybody is too drunk to care.

At 3am they stagger home - a bedraggled, sweaty throng of braying young men and squealing girls.