Where do you get those jumpers?
Isobel Stephen, Fulham, London
And when did you last see me on television, Isobel? The jumpers went a long time ago. As did the bright Versace shirts. (My jumpers are now being used as roofing material for the Millennium Dome.)
I thought you were brilliant on Radio 1 but your TV show is embarrassing. Are my tastes changing, or has your target audience changed?
I hate to contradict you, but you are completely wrong. I was also embarrassing on Radio 1 and I shall continue to be embarrassing for as long as I can breathe.
Where is Mr Blobby?
Sarah Malone, south London
Who is your greatest idol?
Mr Fletcher, East Sussex
Without a shadow of a doubt or a moment's hesitation, I sink to my knees in euphoric reverence and declare undying allegiance to the greatest human being of all time - Jeremy Clarkson (I worship the ground that he stubs his fags out on).
What do you think is your greatest achievement in life, and how did you achieve it?
Mark Richards, Swansea
Rendering my superhero, Jeremy Clarkson, speechless by telling him that I intended driving in the Le Mans 24-hour race.
You were at Brentwood School with Griff Rhys-Jones and the author Douglas Adams. What was it about our staid, traditional school that produced creative nutters? (I'm an old Brentwoodian.)
Dave Skinner, e-mail
I do remember that Hardy Amies and Jack Straw both originated from Brentwood School, so I am not sure you have identified a trend. If there are signs of creative lunacy in Old Brentwoods, I am sure it must be due to the euphoria we felt when we escaped from the near-penal servitude of its archaic and irrelevant regime.
Have you thrown any good parties recently, and, if so, were they anything like your show?
Mick Irving, Manchester
I fear the contradictory nature of your question leaves it impossible for me to respond. (PS I don't actually like parties very much - I prefer riotously evil dinner parties at which you can lob the odd grossly politically incorrect comment into the conversation.)
I was shocked when I watched Chris Morris's programme fooling people into talking about a bogus drug. How did you feel when you found out it was a hoax? Do you ever speak to him now?
Sylvia Deal, Norbury
The tabloid newspapers delighted in ridiculing me for the fact that I objected to the hoax. Keen as ever to prove that "the joker can't take a joke", they completely missed the point. Drug abuse among young people in Britain is not only rampant, it's also playing a major role in the destabilisation of society.
I made the warning film in all sincerity, and still object to the fact that Chris Morris finds the subject amusing. Had I not objected to the hoax, I would only have been criticised for trivialising drug abuse, so I think it was a case of "between a rock and a hard place".
Do you have a fan club?
Chris Bellingham, Brixton
No - does anybody?
Why do TV audiences like really silly things?
Terry Clarke, Somerset
I am not really sure that they do. However, in order to play along with your line of thinking, maybe it has something to do with the fact that life itself is pretty silly when you come to think about it.
Do you have a crinkly bottom?
Sara Dixon, Colchester
Certainly. (Send me a picture of yours and I will send you one of mine.)
Do you think that women find facial hair attractive?
Peter Brown, Croydon
On what? If you mean blokes, I guess some do and some don't. Fortunately for me, some very good-looking women have/do/might soon.
Did you grow a beard to try to look older?
Katie Hampton, Leeds
No - I grew a beard to cover a rather unsightly scar on the left-hand side of my chin. It is all that remains of a particularly wild night in a brothel in downtown Beirut. I was only 13. It was my very first time. (It was also the last time that I worked as a pizza delivery boy - I fell off the moped 16 times, hence the scar.)
What's your favourite sound in the charts now?
Ian Webb, Devon
Now come on, you are surely taking the piss. Let's not forget that I was one of the most popular and successful disc jockeys of all time - you don't think I know anything about music, do you?
Should schools expel kids caught with drugs?
Mr Pointer, Brighton
Yep. They should then be given professional counselling on the issues at stake and also be given the opportunity to return to their former school on a "probationary period". On a second offence the full weight of the law should be brought to their attention.
Do you think Tony Blair is doing a good job?
Miriam Michaels, Crouch End, London
Don't be daft. He's the Prime Minister.
If you had to go on Swap Shop, what would you most like to swap?
Julie Hamilton, Horsham
Mr Blobby for Caprice - I probably wouldn't understand any more of the conversation, but who cares?
Do you rate Chris Evans? Why?
Rachel Gill, St Albans
At the outset I rated him very highly indeed and genuinely felt that his talent was good for certain areas of the industry that were in danger of stagnation. However, I have now come to my senses.
What's the most humiliating thing that's happened to you on TV?
Louisa Hollingsworth, Kettering
How long have you got? Undoubtedly the worst moment was being forced to sing and dance with the Spice Girls on House Party.
Why have you stopped wearing jumpers so frequently, and what are your recommendations for this season's winter warmers?
Derek Baker, Portsmouth
Blimey, this is where we came in - but I am flattered by your request for a seasonal tip and would recommend wool plucked from the genitals of the Andorran goat, spun with a mixture of unwrapped Brillo pads and dental floss to provide an unparalleled barrier to the very harshest arctic winds.
Have you ever felt a stunt has gone too far? If so, when?
Jules Browning, Birmingham
We once gotcha'd a major sporting personality who was so appallingly unpleasant that we stopped the filming and sent him home in a taxi without telling him what had really been going on. I have always vowed that I would never reveal the subject's identity but fifty quid in used fivers in a brown envelope could break my resolve.
You Ask the Questions
Next Week: Child Care Guru Penelope Leach, then Following, Mick Hucknall
Please send any questions you would like to ask Penelope Leach or Mick Hucknall to: You Ask the Questions, Features Dept, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. Or fax 0171-293 2182 or e-mail to yourquestions@ independent.co.uk - by noon on Friday, 4 December.Reuse content