Danny Dyer's latest cinematic gift to culture, Pimp ("Sex. Betrayal. Murder. All in a day's work."), enjoyed a record-stretching opening weekend, making a grand total of £205 at the British box office. No, there are no zeros missing from that figure; just 24 people deigned to watch Dyer's critically puréed performance as a Soho sex kingpin. Dyer-watchers will wonder whether this non-response is retribution for the 32-year-old's recent regrettable "agony uncle" column in Zoo magazine, where he advised a jilted boyfriend to disfigure his ex (Dyer claims he was misquoted). More likely, the film is rubbish. Dyer's effort was unable to beat the record set in March by Uma Thurman's Motherhood, which made only £88 on its opening weekend – but Thurman's film was shown in just one cinema. It's said Dyer produces football-themed DVDs and oddly convivial documentaries about criminals that are considerably more entertaining than his movies. But that's not saying much, is it?