Donald MacInnes

Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes

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Donald MacInnes: My wasted hours in the retail deserts of Dixons-Carphone

People assume, because my writing appears in a quality national newspaper (and its slick website), that I must be held accountable for my opinions. Even if those opinions were only ever meant to provide light relief from the news, people still take me far too seriously.

Donald MacInnes: Online banking? It presses all the wrong buttons

Ah, January. A month among months. Named, obviously, after the Viking god Janus, who brought stability to the 12 warring kingdoms by inventing the world's first self-service checkout.

Donald MacInnes: Elvis's generosity, football bribery and other disappointments

In a final act of post-festive laziness, I intend to take one last look at the best of last year's columns. If that's okay with you…

Donald MacInnes: The dog that sold for a million and a vision of Father Ted

Welcome to another seasonal “Best of In the Red”. I do hope Santa was good to you and you managed to get through the holiday without any fairy light-based violence.

Donald MacInnes: It would be childish and unhelpful to compare Ukip to the Nazis...

As I dictate these words to my long-time stenographer, Mrs Cooper, I am reclining on my sick bed, its inert, Bauhaus-inspired lines interrupted and, to my shame, very much corrupted by the gothic filigree flourishes of – and there is really no way of putting this elegantly – my hardened snot.

Donald MacInnes: Why do we indulge Farage? Why aren’t we storming the Lords?

Two recent events made me very, very angry.

Donald MacInnes: We're having a baby so I won't get the Banana Splits for Christmas

Somewhere in the minds of each of those people who share your bloodline or your name, there resides a number. This figure represents an amount of money that these people – your family, basically – are prepared to spend on you at Christmas. (This is assuming that both they and you follow either the Judao-Christian perception of Christmas, or the more economically fluid Argos-Amazon translation.)

Donald MacInnes: Can you really put a price on magic? Even second-rate magic?

Why are we at all surprised when, at this time of year, we go through money like a canoe through water? Since when was Christmas anything at all to do with good financial sense?

Donald MacInnes: I was fired for making up horoscopes and then my lifestyle deteriorated

Judging by the literally no emails my secretary Karen received while I was off, you welcomed my break from The Independent as much as I did.

Donald MacInnes: Think-tank makes me want to watch Brad Pitt blow something up

Being as I am (with a nod to AA Milne) a bear of the very littlest brain, the words "think-tank" suggest nothing more to me than my current military-fixated state of mind.

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