Donald MacInnes

Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes

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Why do parents in Aberdeen always install triple-glazed windows in their homes? Because that way their kids don’t hear the ice-cream van.

Donald MacInnes: 'Yes, it’s true - kids really do scream for ice-cream'

At the sound of an ice-cream van children are transformed into chimpanzees

Donald MacInnes: 'It seems even Simon Cowell has at least one admirable quality'

Donald is impressed that, when it came to dispensing with the services of Louis Walsh from The X Factor, Simon was willing to pull the trigger himself

Donald MacInnes: 'I may be befuddled by lack of sleep, but my insurer has no excuse'

When Donald's scooter was stolen from his driveway he discovered that he would receive only 60 per cent of its current value

Donald MacInnes: 'I have to have £500 a month spare from now until at least 2035'

Donald, who is about to become a father for the first time, discovered that the total cost of raising a child is something in the region of £230,000

Donald MacInnes: Tesco's reputation gets another battering over £1.50... and spilt milk

40-year-old customer Cornelius Price ordered to pay £1.50 in compensation to Tesco after he threw a six-pint container of milk towards the store manager

Donald MacInnes: As skeletons in closets go, mine are at least sort of photogenic

Donald confesses to a stint on a magazine with the ethical integrity of a hacked voicemail

Donald MacInnes: We'll spend £227,000 raising our baby, not counting the therapy

My days as someone without children – a conscientious objector and frequent scorner of those who, having gone forth, multiplied – are numbered.

Donald MacInnes: The MP, the wreath and the real cost of remembrance

If she keeps her promises, I'm assuming the Rotherham MP Sarah Champion will have paid back the £17 she claimed from the public purse to pay for a Remembrance Day poppy wreath.

Donald MacInnes: Going backwards is the way forward to making a fortune

My Apple iPhone cost me, as we say in Scotland, hee-haw. That is not to say that I got the phone in exchange for a mule, but rather that it cost me absolutely nothing. [Point of order: the origin of the phrase "hee-haw" is almost interesting. The story goes that in 14th century feudal Scotland, a farm labourer was determined to get a pay rise from the English landowner. He requested thruppence a month more from the local laird, Sir Henry Oveur-Privelége. The answer came next morning, in the form of a dead donkey dumped on the labourer's doorstep. On the puckered hind-quarters of the ex-beast was daubed that eternal message to the working classes: "No."]

Donald MacInnes: Sometimes your goal in life is just not worth defending

Recognition – or the lack of thereof – will provide the chrome stripper pole around which I coil my words for you this week.

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