Donald MacInnes

Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes

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Donald MacInnes: 'I have to have £500 a month spare from now until at least 2035'

Donald, who is about to become a father for the first time, discovered that the total cost of raising a child is something in the region of £230,000

Donald MacInnes: Tesco's reputation gets another battering over £1.50... and spilt milk

40-year-old customer Cornelius Price ordered to pay £1.50 in compensation to Tesco after he threw a six-pint container of milk towards the store manager

Donald MacInnes: As skeletons in closets go, mine are at least sort of photogenic

Donald confesses to a stint on a magazine with the ethical integrity of a hacked voicemail

Donald MacInnes: We'll spend £227,000 raising our baby, not counting the therapy

My days as someone without children – a conscientious objector and frequent scorner of those who, having gone forth, multiplied – are numbered.

Donald MacInnes: The MP, the wreath and the real cost of remembrance

If she keeps her promises, I'm assuming the Rotherham MP Sarah Champion will have paid back the £17 she claimed from the public purse to pay for a Remembrance Day poppy wreath.

Donald MacInnes: Going backwards is the way forward to making a fortune

My Apple iPhone cost me, as we say in Scotland, hee-haw. That is not to say that I got the phone in exchange for a mule, but rather that it cost me absolutely nothing. [Point of order: the origin of the phrase "hee-haw" is almost interesting. The story goes that in 14th century feudal Scotland, a farm labourer was determined to get a pay rise from the English landowner. He requested thruppence a month more from the local laird, Sir Henry Oveur-Privelége. The answer came next morning, in the form of a dead donkey dumped on the labourer's doorstep. On the puckered hind-quarters of the ex-beast was daubed that eternal message to the working classes: "No."]

Donald MacInnes: Sometimes your goal in life is just not worth defending

Recognition – or the lack of thereof – will provide the chrome stripper pole around which I coil my words for you this week.

Donald MacInnes: A church that pays a living wage? Don't make me laugh

It may cue a nationwide gasp of shock, but I have never set up and run my own religion. No altars exist to some shonky deity prescribed by me; I have no cassocks, bells, dirgy songs or dodgy youth leaders.

Donald MacInnes: I do like to shop online, except if delivery men make a mess of things

I like shopping online. I have chosen and paid for most of the new stuff in my life while either reclining in bed, reclining on the sofa or sitting bolt upright at my desk at work.

Donald MacInnes: The shop where spending pennies is bog-standard

In the past few days, much of the talk among my uniformed, uninformed entourage of somewhat diminutive, wholly deluded morons has centred on the possible purchase of the 99p Stores group by Poundland.

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