Donald MacInnes

Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes

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Donald MacInnes: Our ideal home on a hill is the first kill in house-hunting safari

So now the story can be told; now the cat, unlike Erwin Schrödinger's theoretical subject, can exit the bag.

Tales from the Watercooler: Can you bear to be boring?

Often, a news story’s worth can be dictated by our mood at the time of reading it. If your Saturday glee is pronounced, you may not be too fussed about another banker salary revelation which, on a wet Tuesday morning, may have you grinding your teeth to a fine powder.

Donald MacInnes: How I'm still showing dogged determination in my quest for a pet

What do you call this? I disappear for two weeks and the place goes to pot. Look at the mess in here! Empty packets of Wotsits, half-eaten Ginsters and a mysterious pile of popped bubble wrap. Would you carry on like that in your own home? Didn't think so. We run a tight ship here. No room for mucky pups.

Nawaz Sharif sacked his guards over a peacock incident

Tales from the Watercooler: Are your peacocks at risk?

Those of you with a loyalty card to this little section will recall that it’s a place where I select a couple of stories from the week’s news and combine them into one delicious starter with which to begin your i meal; an entertaining, literate vol-au-vent, if you like.

Donald MacInnes: So what would you prefer - £108m or some fish and chips?

It is with a heavy heart that I take up my pen for the latest instalment in my quest to be treated as something other than a pretend financial journalist. My brow is thus currently corrugated due to the fact that the Euromillions jackpot was won last Friday by one Neil Trotter, 41, who is (was) a car mechanic from Coulsdon, south London.

Donald MacInnes: If someone like me could become financially respectable, anyone can

It is said that the only people nervous when encountering the police are the innocent. Law-abiding punters (who have not just butchered their extended family with a rolled-up copy of Kerrang!) are usually a jellified disaster area because they hardly ever have any doings with Her Majesty's rozzers.

Luther Burrell of England celebrates as he scores their second try during the RBS Six Nations match between England and Wales at Twickenham Stadium in London (Getty)

Tales from the Watercooler: When two worlds collide...

Tomorrow sees the climax of rugby’s Six Nations. Following Isaac Newton’s fourth law of competition, my inept compatriots have zero chance of winning (what a shocker), but for everyone else it has come down to a three-way scrum between Ireland, England and France. Surely, though, the moment of the series came last weekend when, during half-time in the England v Wales game, footballers Robbie Savage and Joey Barton were interviewed by the BBC pitchside at Twickenham.

Rachel Canning with friends in court

Mum made me wash up, m'lud

There are a few bar owners in Glasgow I'd like to take to court

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