Donald MacInnes

Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes

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Donald MacInnes: I was fired for making up horoscopes and then my lifestyle deteriorated

Judging by the literally no emails my secretary Karen received while I was off, you welcomed my break from The Independent as much as I did.

Donald MacInnes: Think-tank makes me want to watch Brad Pitt blow something up

Being as I am (with a nod to AA Milne) a bear of the very littlest brain, the words "think-tank" suggest nothing more to me than my current military-fixated state of mind.

Donald MacInnes: I'm no grass - but this is a lawyer I'm talking about

I'm no grass. Growing up in Glasgow, the only crime worse than not growing up in Glasgow was being a grass. Or, in the Scottish vernacular, "clipe". (*Point of order: the Scottish vernacular should in no way be confused with the Scottish funicular, which is the railway system which transports Andy Murray to the top of his pile of tennis money.)

Photo issued by Flinders University of an artist's impression of a Microbrachius dicki mating scene

One look at us Scots is enough to show how it was our fishy ancestors who invented sex

To know that millennia of love-making are down to the romantic entanglements of a Scottish trout is enormously pleasing

Donald MacInnes: How I long to take Simon Cowell to the cleaners ...

I’ve always wanted to take someone to the cleaners.

Donald MacInnes: Rarely have threats of violence been backed by such feeble reasons

Rarely have I caused so much offence.

Donald MacInnes: Look out for muggers... and beware of electrified bumbags

The gentleman, who to my saucer-sized eyes looked some 11ft feet tall, pushed me backwards, hard enough that I struggled to find my balance, before crashing into the roll-down metal shutter covering the facade of a shop.

Donald MacInnes: Leonardo DiCaprio climate speech at the UN this week was excellent

There were some glitzy touches to the start of the annual United Nations Climate Change Summit in New York on Wednesday.

Donald MacInnes: Let's pretend Scotland won and now a salmon is running the country

I wasn't going to touch Scotland at all this week. Lord knows, enough politicians and Oxbridge-minted columnists have had a squeeze of the holy haggis in the past few weeks to render anything I have to say on the matter irrelevant and lost in the noise.

Donald MacInnes: With better service on offer maybe the recession did some good

It's often difficult to find much cause for optimism when it comes to how we are treated.

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