Donald MacInnes

Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes

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Donald MacInnes: I could have been a contender if I'd had a metal detector

There are usually several items that we, as children, request from our parents with little – if any – hope of ever receiving them. I recall craving a flick-knife. It was never gonna happen.

Donald MacInnes: Why I've hit the roof over a SWAT team of noisy builders

Following last week's mean-spirited and unwarranted attack on the infant millionaire Prince George, I fully expected to be bundled into a van and driven to the Tower of London, then ordered to stand in the corner of the gift shop until I had sorted my head out.

Donald MacInnes: By George, a princely survey has driven me to distraction

Being as I have always been honest about my status as a sort of placebo wordsmith – giving the impression of having genuine journalistic acumen without actually having any quantifiable justification for doing so – one might imagine that few people within the serious media world would give me the time of day. Not so.

Donald MacInnes: It's not only Wonga's puppets, real people do my nut in as well

For some people it's Barry Scott squirting warm jets of Cillit Bang as though it's liquid happiness. Possibly it's the curiously shrill-voiced Mo Farah jogging through the Arizona badlands while evangelising about pretend mince. (Fans of actual mince have, in the past, been confronted by Jamie Oliver and his pulsating, fat tongue urging us to stock up in Sainsbury's.)

Donald MacInnes: See the World Cup final in style for just £11,000 and a bruised conscience

Although I have some telekinetic powers, being able to move objects around the living room (as long as they weigh less than 10kg) and also levitate my own personal body for anything up to four minutes (depending what I have had for dinner), my special gifts do not, sadly, extend to being able to see into the future.

Donald MacInnes: Carlos has served us well, but we're selling him on Gumtree

It just occurred to me that I haven't publicly congratulated my high-flying wife on her new job. She still works in corporate travel, but this new role represents a major step up for her.

Donald MacInnes: The Bank is like a bad boyfriend? What sort of description is that?

This week's public address concerns "describing words". These are supposed to illuminate the inner workings of people or things, or, in the case of the Labour MP Pat McFadden, the Bank of England, which he "described" in particularly pejorative terms.

Donald MacInnes: All set for Wimbledon, that legendary land of extravagant spending

Quiet please. MacInnes to serve. Play.

Donald MacInnes: My conscience is too large and unwieldy for me to take bribes

The response to last week's In The Red has been extensive, with much of it in bold italic type on letter-headed notepaper from the law offices of Farnsworth, Gilhooley and Sprott. Apparently, I didn't distance myself enough from gossip about football's "governing" body Fifa being, well, a little on the bribey side and allegedly happy to stage the next World Cup in the car park of the Chingford Harvester as long as someone pays for the privilege. None of that is true. Anyway, having been on "more than six" press freebies myself, I can't point fingers.

Donald MacInnes: Why my conscience is priceless...I'm too scared to take a bribe

Forgive me for being so personal – and you don't have to answer if you'd rather not – but would you say you can be bought? Is there a price on your head (in the retail, rather than Gambino Family sense)?

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