Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

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Tim Key: There is nothing so liberating as a pile of pineapple chunks

I've just ordered 'off menu'. I think that's the phrase I'm after. What I'm saying is, I've asked the guy for some stuff that's not written down, he's given me the nod, and now I'm sat here waiting for it. And I am feeling very, very alive.

Tim Key: I do find it tough to get a tan. I think I'm just not built for it in the way that my dad is

I feel like I'm not getting enough credit for my suntan. I've got one, don't worry about that. I've just spent two weeks on holiday in Taiwan, so I have got a suntan. But the way people have been reacting, it's as if I've just returned from a couple of weeks doing something indoor-based in Leeds. I'm just not getting the credit.

Tim Key: I wouldn't say I've travelled the world to listen to karaoke, but...

My God. I love karaoke. Not doing it, obviously. But watching it. Or, more accurately, listening to it. I'm in the thrall of some now. Sat by a temple, in a deckchair, guzzling Perrier and beholding some real grade-A stuff. The sun's beating down, the air is full to the brim of amateur vocals and I am a pig in shit.

Tim Key: My reaction when opening my wardrobe is the same as opening my fridge. A gloom descends

On Wednesday evening I was suddenly struck by just how piss-poor my wardrobe is. It was around 8pm, I had dressed one of my friends up in some of my clothes and sat him on my sofa, and, after staring at him for about 15 minutes, I have to report I was almost physically sick.

Tim Key: 'Of course there are differences between a punch-up and a massage. There must be'

I am relaxing in north London. I'm stretched out in the street; half my body's slumped on a pavement, my head rests against a bin and what's left – legs, hands, hopes, dreams, hips – are in the road. I've just had a massage from an Italian and it's broken me into a million pieces.

Tim Key: 'I'm a big fan of holding hands. But the opportunities are dwindling as I get older'

I was in the queue for the zoo this week when a situation arose. A little boy – maybe six years old, with orange freckles – reached out and held my hand.

Tim Key: 'I bought my brother the official World Cup football. Only it's black and a bit small'

I need to get my brother another birthday present off Amazon because the last one I got him exploded.

Tim Key: Tandoori Fort customer is just one of my many nicknames...

I'm sat in my flat, going through my mail in my shellsuit and I'm starting to think about my name a bit. I find it odd that every piece of correspondence seems to have a different way of addressing me and I feel myself reacting differently to each. My name is – famously – Tim Key, and yet everywhere I look alternatives present themselves, scrawled on to envelopes or peeping through windows.

Tim Key: Summer fêtes rock. Particularly when four-year-olds sing Tim Minchin

Me and Isy are celebrating. She's just taken part in a talent contest and absolutely annihilated the opposition, and now we're leaning against a bouncy castle and celebrating with a couple of Fabs, watching the other kids slope away, their dreams in tatters.

Tim Key: 'There's a magic about my waitress. Or is she just on to me?'

I've come to my local café for an hour or so in order to catch up on my emails, read the sports section of The Guardian and knock out my column for The Independent Magazine. But all that's had to be put on hold temporarily because I've just been charmed to pieces by the waitress.

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