Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

i Newspaper
The Independent around the web

Tim Key: I have officially resigned. You should have seen the state of my editor...

Our columnist is moving on to pastures new - but he's going out in a blaze of glory

Tim Key: I have nothing to say. I wonder if I can spin that out into a column...

I'm running out of things to write about in this column. I've been knocking it out for two years now and I'm starting to notice that the good ideas, the real zingers, are becoming harder and harder to come by.

Tim Key: Hello. My name is Tim and I survived a 35-person curryhouse event

I went for a curry last week as part of a party of 35. That is: 35. Thirty-five. Doesn't even look right when I write it down. As in 35. As in a lot of people. I was part of a party of 35 and, weirdly, it wasn't a complete disaster.

Tim Key: If you don’t want to bump into someone, hide behind a yucca

This afternoon I spotted a man I wanted to avoid and hid behind some foliage I was carrying. Now I'm home, and the foliage is looking resplendent in my flat. I've fed it and spoken to it, and now I'm going to write 700 words about it.

Tim Key: I've taken multitasking to a new level. Now I've got to work out if that's a good thing

Today, for the first time in my life, I ate my dinner in the bath.

Tim Key: I've had a falling out with my friend. It's because of the fruit, you see

Last night I had a pretty big row with my friend after he defaced some food I'd ordered in good faith from a pizza establishment in north-west London.

Tim Key: I have met one of my comedy heroes. And I wish I hadn't...

Never meet your heroes. That's what they say. That's what you're warned. Well, I did this week. I clattered right into one and the results were devastating.

Tim Key: By all means read the newspaper over my shoulder. But read it on my terms

I've just had a grim time on the London Underground. I'm still shaking.

Tim Key: I love my radios. I love being on them, too

I love the radio. Always have. Just take a look around my flat. I'd love you to show me a room where there isn't a radio. I'd love you to do that. My worry is you might be slightly up against it. Kitchen: radio. Lounge: radio. Bedroom: two radios. I could go on. Bathroom: radio. Study: radio. Have I left any rooms out? Don't think so. Have I left any radios out? A couple.

Tim Key: It's OK to share a sofa with a stranger in a juice bar. Isn't it?

I'm sat on a sofa in a juice bar. I'm sat next to a girl with long, radish-red hair and we're both typing away. God knows what she's typing – she keeps angling her laptop screen away from me. For my part, I am typing a column about personal space. My theme came to mind for a couple of reasons: firstly, she has muttered the phrase approximately four times since I've joined her on the sofa. And secondly, in related news, because I am paranoid that I might have invaded hers.

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

Day In a Page

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The acceptable face of the Emirates

The acceptable face of the Emirates

Has Abu Dhabi found a way to blend petrodollars with principles, asks Robert Fisk
Nepal earthquake: One man's desperate escape from Everest base camp after the disaster

Escape from Everest base camp

Nick Talbot was sitting in his tent when the tsunami of snow and rock hit. He was lucky to live, unlike his climbing partner just feet away...
Adopting high fibre diet could dramatically cut risk of bowel cancer, says study

What happened when 20 Americans swapped diets with 20 Africans?

Innovative study in the US produces remarkable results
Blake Lively and 'The Age of Adaline': Gossip Girl comes
of age

Gossip girl comes of age

Blake Lively is best known for playing an affluent teenager. Her role as a woman who is trapped forever at 29 is a greater challenge
Goat cuisine: Kid meat is coming to Ocado

Goat cuisine

It's loved by chefs, ethical, low in fat and delicious. So, will kid meat give lamb a run for its money?
14 best coat hooks

Hang on: 14 best coat hooks

Set the tone for the rest of your house with a stylish and functional coat rack in the hallway
Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?