Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

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Tim Key: I have officially resigned. You should have seen the state of my editor...

Our columnist is moving on to pastures new - but he's going out in a blaze of glory

Tim Key: I have nothing to say. I wonder if I can spin that out into a column...

I'm running out of things to write about in this column. I've been knocking it out for two years now and I'm starting to notice that the good ideas, the real zingers, are becoming harder and harder to come by.

Tim Key: Hello. My name is Tim and I survived a 35-person curryhouse event

I went for a curry last week as part of a party of 35. That is: 35. Thirty-five. Doesn't even look right when I write it down. As in 35. As in a lot of people. I was part of a party of 35 and, weirdly, it wasn't a complete disaster.

Tim Key: If you don’t want to bump into someone, hide behind a yucca

This afternoon I spotted a man I wanted to avoid and hid behind some foliage I was carrying. Now I'm home, and the foliage is looking resplendent in my flat. I've fed it and spoken to it, and now I'm going to write 700 words about it.

Tim Key: I've taken multitasking to a new level. Now I've got to work out if that's a good thing

Today, for the first time in my life, I ate my dinner in the bath.

Tim Key: I've had a falling out with my friend. It's because of the fruit, you see

Last night I had a pretty big row with my friend after he defaced some food I'd ordered in good faith from a pizza establishment in north-west London.

Tim Key: I have met one of my comedy heroes. And I wish I hadn't...

Never meet your heroes. That's what they say. That's what you're warned. Well, I did this week. I clattered right into one and the results were devastating.

Tim Key: By all means read the newspaper over my shoulder. But read it on my terms

I've just had a grim time on the London Underground. I'm still shaking.

Tim Key: I love my radios. I love being on them, too

I love the radio. Always have. Just take a look around my flat. I'd love you to show me a room where there isn't a radio. I'd love you to do that. My worry is you might be slightly up against it. Kitchen: radio. Lounge: radio. Bedroom: two radios. I could go on. Bathroom: radio. Study: radio. Have I left any rooms out? Don't think so. Have I left any radios out? A couple.

Tim Key: It's OK to share a sofa with a stranger in a juice bar. Isn't it?

I'm sat on a sofa in a juice bar. I'm sat next to a girl with long, radish-red hair and we're both typing away. God knows what she's typing – she keeps angling her laptop screen away from me. For my part, I am typing a column about personal space. My theme came to mind for a couple of reasons: firstly, she has muttered the phrase approximately four times since I've joined her on the sofa. And secondly, in related news, because I am paranoid that I might have invaded hers.

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