Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

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Tim Key: 'I'm a big fan of holding hands. But the opportunities are dwindling as I get older'

I was in the queue for the zoo this week when a situation arose. A little boy – maybe six years old, with orange freckles – reached out and held my hand.

Tim Key: 'I bought my brother the official World Cup football. Only it's black and a bit small'

I need to get my brother another birthday present off Amazon because the last one I got him exploded.

Tim Key: Tandoori Fort customer is just one of my many nicknames...

I'm sat in my flat, going through my mail in my shellsuit and I'm starting to think about my name a bit. I find it odd that every piece of correspondence seems to have a different way of addressing me and I feel myself reacting differently to each. My name is – famously – Tim Key, and yet everywhere I look alternatives present themselves, scrawled on to envelopes or peeping through windows.

Tim Key: Summer fêtes rock. Particularly when four-year-olds sing Tim Minchin

Me and Isy are celebrating. She's just taken part in a talent contest and absolutely annihilated the opposition, and now we're leaning against a bouncy castle and celebrating with a couple of Fabs, watching the other kids slope away, their dreams in tatters.

Tim Key: 'There's a magic about my waitress. Or is she just on to me?'

I've come to my local café for an hour or so in order to catch up on my emails, read the sports section of The Guardian and knock out my column for The Independent Magazine. But all that's had to be put on hold temporarily because I've just been charmed to pieces by the waitress.

Tim Key: I am going to Wimbledon. And I don't even have to clean any dishes

I love summer for a bunch of reasons. I get to wear my shades and lie on my roof, sure. And I like eating ice-cold lager with colleagues after work on wooden tables. Summer's also the time of year I tend to find myself eating a pasty in a park on my own. But if there's one thing that really gets me psyched for summer, it's Wimbledon.

Tim Key: 'You rarely plan to skim stones, and yet you still end up skimming every three years'

I found myself indulging in one of life's greatest pleasures this week. A real soul-cleanser. After a hearty meal, and a brisk walk to a local lake, I found myself – initially with just my friend, and then with my friend and an old man – skimming.

Tim Key: 'What does it take to get a drink round here? Gurning's getting me nowhere...'

There is nothing worse than feeling invisible. I am sat in the bar in my hotel in Bulgaria's capital, Sofia. It is called Bullet and there's a ton of things I don't like about it. The atmosphere is smoky (Bulgaria's cool with people smoking indoors still), it's full of hookers and thugs, and the décor and music are loud. But the main thing I don't like is the fact that I can't for the life of me attract the attention of any of the bloody waitresses here!

Tim Key: If you're English, when is the right time to intervene in the life of a stranger?

When do you step in? That's what I've been mulling over this morning in my hotel room, in Sofia, the capital of Bulgaria.

Tim Key: 'Don't tell my editor I'm writing this in the back of a Mercedes-Benz'

I'm writing this one in a car. Not trying to sound cooler than I am, but that's just a fact. I'm sat in the back of a black Mercedes-Benz writing my column. No big deal.

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