Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

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Tim Key: 'I'm looking at someone else's completed quiz answers. I would have cleaned up here!'

It's half past 10 and I'm sat like a plum in an atmospheric pub in north-west London. I've just popped in here to throw back a couple of ales and knock out my column, but now I have an enormous sense of regret. Judging by the electric atmosphere, the defaced answer sheets floating in the air and the red-faced locals prodding each other in the chest and yelling, I think I've just missed a pub quiz.

Tim Key: There's a man in my lounge. He is snoring. And interrupting my work as a columnist

There's a man in my lounge. It's 8.30am and I am being as quiet as I can be, so as not to wake him. I am sat on my red chair, next to my oven, silently drinking coffee. I do not want to disturb the man. His low snores and grunts drift around my flat. He is my houseguest, and so I let him sleep.

The bookcase was there for me in my hour of need. But now it has overstayed its welcome

As a last resort, I have written this column to my mate

The old sofa left this morning. It is gone but the memories, and the stench, still linger

I am indecisive, as a human, so buying something like a new sofa is difficult

The best thing about doing a stage show? Getting the night bus home afterwards

This might look like a normal column...

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