Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

i Newspaper
The Independent around the web

Tim Key: It's OK to share a sofa with a stranger in a juice bar. Isn't it?

I'm sat on a sofa in a juice bar. I'm sat next to a girl with long, radish-red hair and we're both typing away. God knows what she's typing – she keeps angling her laptop screen away from me. For my part, I am typing a column about personal space. My theme came to mind for a couple of reasons: firstly, she has muttered the phrase approximately four times since I've joined her on the sofa. And secondly, in related news, because I am paranoid that I might have invaded hers.

Tim Key: I have bought a typewriter and it is a thing of beauty and joy

I bought a typewriter last week so this week's column will be about that. And, in other news, I'm also writing it on my typewriter – though I'm sure when it comes down to it my editor will insist that I "type it up" as a Word document; we'll exchange two or three emails about this before I will fall on my sword and do as he says and send it to him as an attachment.

Tim Key: There's nothing like a cinema trip with your friends. Even if they didn't invite you

Last Sunday, I went and watched Whiplash with some friends. No, that's not fair. I didn't do that. But then again, in many ways I did. Well, it's a grey area.

Tim Key: I failed to lie. And as a result, deprived myself of free, live snooker

I need to sharpen up on my lying. Last week I found myself in a situation where I needed to lie and I panicked and told the truth. And in doing so I cheated myself out of four days of free, live snooker.

Tim Key: I have done something extraordinary. I have saved sewing machines

Today – for the first time in my life – I've done some plumbing. I'm 38 now – though I look closer to 36 – so I was beginning to think that this kind of thing would never happen to me. But an hour ago I was confronted by some rogue liquids and an exasperated neighbour and, as a result, I found myself squatting under my sink and literally fiddling with a washer. Plumbing.

Tim Key: I went to the pool for my bad back. But then I got in a race with a Japanese man...

I've just got back from the swimming baths and I feel thoroughly reinvigorated. Partly by the unnaturally generous exposure to chlorine, human flesh, and padlocks, and partly because things just became very competitive between myself and a Japanese gentleman.

Tim Key: I have a new visitor in my lounge. I'm considering letting it stay

I'm sat in my lounge, looking across the room at my new table. Well, I say 'my'. It's not mine yet. The fact of the matter is it's here on a trial basis. I'm seeing how I like it for a few days before deciding whether or not I want to offer it something more long-term. It has three days to prove itself before I either buy it or take it back to whence it came. I think my mind's almost made up, though. I think I'm falling in love with it.

Tim Key: I was an unintentional model this week. Such things happen to columnists like me...

I got caught up in a bit of modelling work this week. It wasn't intentional. No contracts were signed, and no money changed hands either, which was a good thing. It took the pressure off. Relaxed and unofficial, on Wednesday evening – for about an hour or so – I became the face of a Soho pizza joint. And though that had never been my plan, I have to say I quite enjoyed the experience.

Tim Key: I am getting something engraved for a special lady. This is a big, big commitment

I went to get some engraving done this week on a metal box thing that I've bought for a special lady. I'd not been engraving for a while so I experienced a real frisson of excitement. That feeling of anticipation you get when you're clutching a metal box thing in Timpson, and waiting for a man to carve your sentiments on to its base.

Tim Key: I have five of mocha in front of me. This is a joke. At least, I think it is

When is a joke not a joke? Not sure, really. I suppose when one person thinks it's a joke and the other person thinks it's just a normal bit of life. I'm pretty sure I've just experienced this phenomenon.

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

Day In a Page

Mullah Omar, creator of the Taliban, is dead... for the fourth time

Mullah Omar, creator of the Taliban, is dead... again

I was once told that intelligence services declare their enemies dead to provoke them into popping up their heads and revealing their location, says Robert Fisk
Margaret Attwood on climate change: 'Time is running out for our fragile, Goldilocks planet'

Margaret Attwood on climate change

The author looks back on what she wrote about oil in 2009, and reflects on how the conversation has changed in a mere six years
New Dr Seuss manuscript discovered: What Pet Should I Get? goes on sale this week

New Dr Seuss manuscript discovered

What Pet Should I Get? goes on sale this week
Oculus Rift and the lonely cartoon hedgehog who could become the first ever virtual reality movie star

The cartoon hedgehog leading the way into a whole new reality

Virtual reality is the 'next chapter' of entertainment. Tim Walker gives it a try
Ants have unique ability to switch between individual and collective action, says study

Secrets of ants' teamwork revealed

The insects have an almost unique ability to switch between individual and collective action
Donovan interview: The singer is releasing a greatest hits album to mark his 50th year in folk

Donovan marks his 50th year in folk

The singer tells Nick Duerden about receiving death threats, why the world is 'mentally ill', and how he can write a song about anything, from ecology to crumpets
Let's Race simulator: Ultra-realistic technology recreates thrill of the Formula One circuit

Simulator recreates thrill of F1 circuit

Rory Buckeridge gets behind the wheel and explains how it works
Twitter accused of 'Facebookisation' over plans to overhaul reverse-chronological timeline

Twitter accused of 'Facebookisation'

Facebook exasperates its users by deciding which posts they can and can’t see. So why has Twitter announced plans to do the same?
Jane Birkin asks Hermès to rename bag - but what else could the fashion house call it?

Jane Birkin asks Hermès to rename bag

The star was shocked by a Peta investigation into the exotic skins trade
10 best waterproof mascaras

Whatever the weather: 10 best waterproof mascaras

We found lash-enhancing beauties that won’t budge no matter what you throw at them
Diego Costa biography: Chelsea striker's route to the top - from those who shared his journey

Diego Costa: I go to war. You come with me...

Chelsea's rampaging striker had to fight his way from a poor city in Brazil to life at the top of the Premier League. A new book speaks to those who shared his journey
Ashes 2015: England show the mettle to strike back hard in third Test

England show the mettle to strike back hard in third Test

The biggest problem facing them in Birmingham was the recovery of the zeitgeist that drained so quickly under the weight of Australian runs at Lord's, says Kevin Garside
Women's Open 2015: Charley Hull - 'I know I'm a good golfer but I'm also just a person'

Charley Hull: 'I know I'm a good golfer but I'm also just a person'

British teen keeps her feet on ground ahead of Women's Open
Turkey's conflict with Kurdish guerrillas in Iraq can benefit Isis in Syria

Turkey's conflict with Kurdish guerrillas in Iraq can benefit Isis in Syria

Turkish President Erdogan could benefit politically from the targeting of the PKK, says Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: Our choice is years of Tory rule under Jeremy Corbyn or a return to a Labour government

Our choice is years of Tory rule under Corbyn or a return to a Labour government

Yvette Cooper urged Labour members to 'get serious' about the next general election rather than become 'a protest movement'