Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

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Tim Key: I wouldn't say I've travelled the world to listen to karaoke, but...

My God. I love karaoke. Not doing it, obviously. But watching it. Or, more accurately, listening to it. I'm in the thrall of some now. Sat by a temple, in a deckchair, guzzling Perrier and beholding some real grade-A stuff. The sun's beating down, the air is full to the brim of amateur vocals and I am a pig in shit.

Tim Key: My reaction when opening my wardrobe is the same as opening my fridge. A gloom descends

On Wednesday evening I was suddenly struck by just how piss-poor my wardrobe is. It was around 8pm, I had dressed one of my friends up in some of my clothes and sat him on my sofa, and, after staring at him for about 15 minutes, I have to report I was almost physically sick.

Tim Key: 'Of course there are differences between a punch-up and a massage. There must be'

I am relaxing in north London. I'm stretched out in the street; half my body's slumped on a pavement, my head rests against a bin and what's left – legs, hands, hopes, dreams, hips – are in the road. I've just had a massage from an Italian and it's broken me into a million pieces.

Tim Key: 'I'm a big fan of holding hands. But the opportunities are dwindling as I get older'

I was in the queue for the zoo this week when a situation arose. A little boy – maybe six years old, with orange freckles – reached out and held my hand.

Tim Key: 'I bought my brother the official World Cup football. Only it's black and a bit small'

I need to get my brother another birthday present off Amazon because the last one I got him exploded.

Tim Key: Tandoori Fort customer is just one of my many nicknames...

I'm sat in my flat, going through my mail in my shellsuit and I'm starting to think about my name a bit. I find it odd that every piece of correspondence seems to have a different way of addressing me and I feel myself reacting differently to each. My name is – famously – Tim Key, and yet everywhere I look alternatives present themselves, scrawled on to envelopes or peeping through windows.

Tim Key: Summer fêtes rock. Particularly when four-year-olds sing Tim Minchin

Me and Isy are celebrating. She's just taken part in a talent contest and absolutely annihilated the opposition, and now we're leaning against a bouncy castle and celebrating with a couple of Fabs, watching the other kids slope away, their dreams in tatters.

Tim Key: 'There's a magic about my waitress. Or is she just on to me?'

I've come to my local café for an hour or so in order to catch up on my emails, read the sports section of The Guardian and knock out my column for The Independent Magazine. But all that's had to be put on hold temporarily because I've just been charmed to pieces by the waitress.

Tim Key: I am going to Wimbledon. And I don't even have to clean any dishes

I love summer for a bunch of reasons. I get to wear my shades and lie on my roof, sure. And I like eating ice-cold lager with colleagues after work on wooden tables. Summer's also the time of year I tend to find myself eating a pasty in a park on my own. But if there's one thing that really gets me psyched for summer, it's Wimbledon.

Tim Key: 'You rarely plan to skim stones, and yet you still end up skimming every three years'

I found myself indulging in one of life's greatest pleasures this week. A real soul-cleanser. After a hearty meal, and a brisk walk to a local lake, I found myself – initially with just my friend, and then with my friend and an old man – skimming.

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