Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet
21 February 2015 12:00 AM
I'm sat on a sofa in a juice bar. I'm sat next to a girl with long, radish-red hair and we're both typing away. God knows what she's typing – she keeps angling her laptop screen away from me. For my part, I am typing a column about personal space. My theme came to mind for a couple of reasons: firstly, she has muttered the phrase approximately four times since I've joined her on the sofa. And secondly, in related news, because I am paranoid that I might have invaded hers.
14 February 2015 12:00 AM
I bought a typewriter last week so this week's column will be about that. And, in other news, I'm also writing it on my typewriter – though I'm sure when it comes down to it my editor will insist that I "type it up" as a Word document; we'll exchange two or three emails about this before I will fall on my sword and do as he says and send it to him as an attachment.
07 February 2015 12:00 AM
Last Sunday, I went and watched Whiplash with some friends. No, that's not fair. I didn't do that. But then again, in many ways I did. Well, it's a grey area.
31 January 2015 12:00 AM
I need to sharpen up on my lying. Last week I found myself in a situation where I needed to lie and I panicked and told the truth. And in doing so I cheated myself out of four days of free, live snooker.
24 January 2015 12:00 AM
Today – for the first time in my life – I've done some plumbing. I'm 38 now – though I look closer to 36 – so I was beginning to think that this kind of thing would never happen to me. But an hour ago I was confronted by some rogue liquids and an exasperated neighbour and, as a result, I found myself squatting under my sink and literally fiddling with a washer. Plumbing.
17 January 2015 12:00 AM
I've just got back from the swimming baths and I feel thoroughly reinvigorated. Partly by the unnaturally generous exposure to chlorine, human flesh, and padlocks, and partly because things just became very competitive between myself and a Japanese gentleman.
10 January 2015 12:00 AM
I'm sat in my lounge, looking across the room at my new table. Well, I say 'my'. It's not mine yet. The fact of the matter is it's here on a trial basis. I'm seeing how I like it for a few days before deciding whether or not I want to offer it something more long-term. It has three days to prove itself before I either buy it or take it back to whence it came. I think my mind's almost made up, though. I think I'm falling in love with it.
03 January 2015 12:00 AM
I got caught up in a bit of modelling work this week. It wasn't intentional. No contracts were signed, and no money changed hands either, which was a good thing. It took the pressure off. Relaxed and unofficial, on Wednesday evening – for about an hour or so – I became the face of a Soho pizza joint. And though that had never been my plan, I have to say I quite enjoyed the experience.
27 December 2014 12:00 AM
I went to get some engraving done this week on a metal box thing that I've bought for a special lady. I'd not been engraving for a while so I experienced a real frisson of excitement. That feeling of anticipation you get when you're clutching a metal box thing in Timpson, and waiting for a man to carve your sentiments on to its base.
20 December 2014 12:00 AM
When is a joke not a joke? Not sure, really. I suppose when one person thinks it's a joke and the other person thinks it's just a normal bit of life. I'm pretty sure I've just experienced this phenomenon.
Over 50,000 families shipped out of London boroughs in the past three years due to welfare cuts and soaring rents
EU asylum policy is 'a direct threat to our civilisation', says Nigel Farage
The Rothschild Libel: Why has it taken 200 years for an anti-Semitic slur that emerged from the Battle of Waterloo to be dismissed?
General Election 2015: SNP and its activists 'openly racist' towards the English, Farage says
General Election 2015: UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power, Labour warns
Schools forced to act as 'miniature welfare states' with teachers buying underwear and even haircuts for poor pupils
- 1 Lucy Hawking: Stephen Hawking's daughter writes impassioned open letter to Katie Hopkins about rights of disabled people
- 2 #NotGuilty: Second Oxford student writes of brutal rape by two men who then threw her in a bin as part of campaign against victim blaming
- 3 How the language you speak changes your view of the world
- 4 Russell Brand backs Ed Miliband: 'You gotta vote Labour'
- 5 Uploading pictures to find out how old you are gives Microsoft the right to post them wherever they want