Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet
13 December 2014 12:00 AM
I find myself in the wilds this week. Stuffed up in the UK countryside, miles away from anywhere, I am huddled in the corner of a rudimentary cottage. This is an isolated bolt-hole; somewhere to get away from it all and knock out my column without distractions. That was the idea, anyway – but after three days it has done for me. Grey from the isolation, I worry that cabin fever is setting in.
06 December 2014 12:00 AM
Cat and mouse. That's what I am currently playing with Amazon. I am the cat: writing notes on my door, tracking my order online, trying to respond to emails where you're not really allowed to respond, being bounced back, weeping. And they are the mouse: continually attempting to deliver pink roller skates to my address, constantly finding me out, bunging the box back in the van, being on their way. This dance has lasted a week now. I am becoming tired of it.
29 November 2014 12:00 AM
I've just come back from the gym and I'm absolutely exhausted.
22 November 2014 12:00 AM
I've never been good with things like directions
Tim Key: 'He asked me how the weather was... then we got down to the nitty gritty of clearing security'
15 November 2014 12:00 AM
08 November 2014 12:00 AM
I sent a Spaniard packing last Sunday. Well I didn't, but you know... I was in a group of people who did and I didn't step in and I didn't stop it, so as far as I'm concerned, yeah, I sent a Spaniard packing and I'm as bad as the rest of them.
01 November 2014 12:00 AM
Bloody taxes. That's my current situation: doing my bloody taxes.
25 October 2014 12:00 AM
I awoke last night at 3am, in dire need of water. I was in an Ibis Hotel – a fairly mild example of a hotel – and I was dehydrated because I'd earlier drunk five pints of continental lager with a Scottish dancer. My eyelids were sagging down over my cheeks with tiredness as I waddled, mole-like, in search of taps and cups. After about 15 minutes of fairly broad slapstick I found what I was looking for. Only it wasn't what I was looking for. Because Ibis do something very weird with their cups. And so, even though I'd found them, the challenge of quenching my thirst had really only just begun.
18 October 2014 12:00 AM
You join me live, at a very delicate moment. I am nestled in the vortex of a highly sensitive social tornado and have resorted to pulling my collar up and burying my nose in my pizza. I daren't look around. The girls I have offended to earn this situation are still muttering about me on the next table. I fold another slice of meat feast into my mouth, and I will them to leave. I am in Hell.
11 October 2014 12:00 AM
I am in an internet café. It's strange being in one of these. I'd forgotten they existed. But I'm delighted that they still do. I've just had one of those mornings you get sometimes when you're a columnist for The Independent. I found myself sans laptop and waddling between Prets, when it suddenly struck me – "I HAVEN'T FILED". I stopped sipping my apple juice and started slapping my forehead as hard as I could. My bloody deadline was upon me! I needed a keyboard and an internet connection fast or I'd have to lie about being ill, or invent something about having a lot on my mind. I swapped hands and continued to slap my forehead, and also tried to work out what to do next.
In defence of liberal democracy
General Election 2015: Post-election 'shambles' looms as 70 per cent of voters say SNP 'should not be able to veto UK government policies'
The Rothschild Libel: Why has it taken 200 years for an anti-Semitic slur that emerged from the Battle of Waterloo to be dismissed?
General Election 2015: UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power, Labour warns
General election live: SNP suspends two members for disrupting Labour rally
Schools forced to act as 'miniature welfare states' with teachers buying underwear and even haircuts for poor pupils
- 1 Katie Hopkins gives rare glimpse of sensitive side with heartfelt open letter to her children penned in case she dies from epilepsy
- 2 Rihanna's Met Gala dress took one Chinese woman 2 years to make, was reduced to omelette meme in 2 seconds
- 3 Top Gear: Jodie Kidd, Philip Glenister and Guy Martin 'in advanced talks' to replace Jeremy Clarkson and co
- 4 Women think Irish men are the sexiest, survey finds
- 5 Florida couple forced to register as sex offenders for having sex on public beach