Tim Key

Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet

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Tim Key: In the UK countryside, miles away from anywhere, I worry that cabin fever is setting in

I find myself in the wilds this week. Stuffed up in the UK countryside, miles away from anywhere, I am huddled in the corner of a rudimentary cottage. This is an isolated bolt-hole; somewhere to get away from it all and knock out my column without distractions. That was the idea, anyway – but after three days it has done for me. Grey from the isolation, I worry that cabin fever is setting in.

Tim Key: I am playing cat and mouse with Amazon. Over some pink roller skates

Cat and mouse. That's what I am currently playing with Amazon. I am the cat: writing notes on my door, tracking my order online, trying to respond to emails where you're not really allowed to respond, being bounced back, weeping. And they are the mouse: continually attempting to deliver pink roller skates to my address, constantly finding me out, bunging the box back in the van, being on their way. This dance has lasted a week now. I am becoming tired of it.

Tim Key: I wanted to sign up to the gym and become slim and handsome

I've just come back from the gym and I'm absolutely exhausted.

Tim Key: The lady told me it was company policy not to allow me to plug my phone in

I've never been good with things like directions

'He asked me how the weather was... then we got down to the
nitty gritty of clearing security'

Tim Key: 'He asked me how the weather was... then we got down to the nitty gritty of clearing security'

My friend was morphing into Noel Edmonds and I didn't like it

Tim Key: I didn't want to kick the Spaniard off the pitch. But he didn't have an in

I sent a Spaniard packing last Sunday. Well I didn't, but you know... I was in a group of people who did and I didn't step in and I didn't stop it, so as far as I'm concerned, yeah, I sent a Spaniard packing and I'm as bad as the rest of them.

Tim Key: Who knew that filling in my tax return could be such a trip down memory lane?

Bloody taxes. That's my current situation: doing my bloody taxes.

Tim Key: Why does this hotel want to make quenching my thirst so very difficult to achieve?

I awoke last night at 3am, in dire need of water. I was in an Ibis Hotel – a fairly mild example of a hotel – and I was dehydrated because I'd earlier drunk five pints of continental lager with a Scottish dancer. My eyelids were sagging down over my cheeks with tiredness as I waddled, mole-like, in search of taps and cups. After about 15 minutes of fairly broad slapstick I found what I was looking for. Only it wasn't what I was looking for. Because Ibis do something very weird with their cups. And so, even though I'd found them, the challenge of quenching my thirst had really only just begun.

Tim Key: Eating pizza in Manchester can be Hell

You join me live, at a very delicate moment. I am nestled in the vortex of a highly sensitive social tornado and have resorted to pulling my collar up and burying my nose in my pizza. I daren't look around. The girls I have offended to earn this situation are still muttering about me on the next table. I fold another slice of meat feast into my mouth, and I will them to leave. I am in Hell.

Tim Key: I'm in an internet café. It's not as exciting as it used to be

I am in an internet café. It's strange being in one of these. I'd forgotten they existed. But I'm delighted that they still do. I've just had one of those mornings you get sometimes when you're a columnist for The Independent. I found myself sans laptop and waddling between Prets, when it suddenly struck me – "I HAVEN'T FILED". I stopped sipping my apple juice and started slapping my forehead as hard as I could. My bloody deadline was upon me! I needed a keyboard and an internet connection fast or I'd have to lie about being ill, or invent something about having a lot on my mind. I swapped hands and continued to slap my forehead, and also tried to work out what to do next.

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