Tim Key is an English actor, writer, and performance poet
06 September 2014 12:00 AM
There is nothing more disorientating or more demeaning than finding you've fallen asleep on a sofa. And no more dismal age to do it at than 37. But, stiff-necked and gummy-eyed, that's the situation I find myself trying to adjust to right now. Contorted, sprawling and unclear what the time is, I am squinting like a mole. There's sailing on the telly.
30 August 2014 12:00 AM
I've just ordered 'off menu'. I think that's the phrase I'm after. What I'm saying is, I've asked the guy for some stuff that's not written down, he's given me the nod, and now I'm sat here waiting for it. And I am feeling very, very alive.
Tim Key: I do find it tough to get a tan. I think I'm just not built for it in the way that my dad is
23 August 2014 12:00 AM
I feel like I'm not getting enough credit for my suntan. I've got one, don't worry about that. I've just spent two weeks on holiday in Taiwan, so I have got a suntan. But the way people have been reacting, it's as if I've just returned from a couple of weeks doing something indoor-based in Leeds. I'm just not getting the credit.
16 August 2014 12:00 AM
My God. I love karaoke. Not doing it, obviously. But watching it. Or, more accurately, listening to it. I'm in the thrall of some now. Sat by a temple, in a deckchair, guzzling Perrier and beholding some real grade-A stuff. The sun's beating down, the air is full to the brim of amateur vocals and I am a pig in shit.
09 August 2014 12:00 AM
On Wednesday evening I was suddenly struck by just how piss-poor my wardrobe is. It was around 8pm, I had dressed one of my friends up in some of my clothes and sat him on my sofa, and, after staring at him for about 15 minutes, I have to report I was almost physically sick.
02 August 2014 12:00 AM
I am relaxing in north London. I'm stretched out in the street; half my body's slumped on a pavement, my head rests against a bin and what's left – legs, hands, hopes, dreams, hips – are in the road. I've just had a massage from an Italian and it's broken me into a million pieces.
26 July 2014 12:00 AM
I was in the queue for the zoo this week when a situation arose. A little boy – maybe six years old, with orange freckles – reached out and held my hand.
19 July 2014 12:00 AM
I need to get my brother another birthday present off Amazon because the last one I got him exploded.
12 July 2014 12:00 AM
I'm sat in my flat, going through my mail in my shellsuit and I'm starting to think about my name a bit. I find it odd that every piece of correspondence seems to have a different way of addressing me and I feel myself reacting differently to each. My name is – famously – Tim Key, and yet everywhere I look alternatives present themselves, scrawled on to envelopes or peeping through windows.
05 July 2014 12:00 AM
Me and Isy are celebrating. She's just taken part in a talent contest and absolutely annihilated the opposition, and now we're leaning against a bouncy castle and celebrating with a couple of Fabs, watching the other kids slope away, their dreams in tatters.
Nigel Farage: NHS might have to be replaced by private health insurance
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
French court convicts three over homophobic tweets, in case hailed as a 'significant victory' by LGBT rights campaigners
George Galloway condemns 'racist, Islamophobic, hypocritical rag' Charlie Hebdo at freedom of speech rally
British Muslim school children suffering a backlash of abuse following Paris attacks
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
- 1 Man who held up 'hire me' sign at Waterloo station returns a year later with 'I'm hiring' sign
- 2 UK weather: Snow to fall in the coming week with sub-zero temperatures to last until early February
- 3 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 4 Warriors in ancient Iraq suffered Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder more than 3,000 years ago, say researchers
- 5 This crazy skiing video will leave you feeling queasy