1. Wear black and white. Women: floor-length gowns are out as you have to show off your anklet. Men: a mac with turned-up collar is essential, as you only ever go out when it's raining.
2. Make sure you are either backlit or lit from the side through venetian blinds. Practice emerging from shadows for dramatic effect. Also, getting in and out of taxis at high speed.
3. Get a very big phone. You will explain most of the (indecipherable) plot on it.
4. Learn ventriloquism. This will enable you to do your own voice-over.
5. Smoke all the time.
6. Redecorate the bedroom with plenty of mirrors for reverse angles.
7. Women: acquire a rich, ugly husband. Men: acquire a gun.
8. Be terse and tawdry at all times, especially when delivering these lines:
Barbara Stanwyck (insolent and smouldering): "There's a speed limit on this estate, Mr Neff. Forty-five miles an hour."
Fred MacMurray (ensnared): "How fast was I going, officer?"
Stanwyck: "I'd say around 90."
9. Go and see Double Indemnity on stage.
'Double Indemnity', Theatr Clwyd, Mold (01352 755114)Reuse content