How To Be Happy: Help your child make her own way in the world

'My 28-year-old is still living at home. Much as I love her, I'm beginning to think she might never leave. I might be partly responsible as we became very close when my husband left, but now I think we are holding each other back.' K.

Step 1: Being a parent is a lifelong commitment of love, but there comes a time when it is essential that we let our children live their lives as best they can, without their happiness being our responsibility, or ours theirs. The process of individuation undoubtedly takes longer for some children. There are adult children who find it difficult to grow up, staying immature for as long as possible while their parents continue to nurture them without making any demands back. Ultimately, this will be unhelpful, because if we do not encourage our children to become increasingly independent they will become very stuck, as will we.

Step 2: When families become fixed in this way it is called enmeshment: adult children live at home unable to make the break and enmeshed parents unwittingly ensure their children remain dependent. The arrangement works well for a time as the roles are reassuringly familiar, ameliorating anxious projections about change in both parties. It is becoming clear to you that your daughter would benefit from stepping out into the world as a fully functioning adult. Sit down and have a gentle chat with her about it. Think of ways you can help her make this break by exploring the best approach with the resources available to you both.

Step 3: Once our children finally leave home there is an adjustment to be made, one in which we unavoidably encounter some pain, so be prepared to feel a bit hollow and empty to begin with. Think about the things you would welcome in your life so that you, too, can broaden your experience and learn to express your personality in ways that are not confined to motherhood. Try reading Rita Carter's Multiplicity (Little, Brown, £12.99) for inspiration. In time, both you and your daughter will have filled the gap created by your separation with interests, relationships and passions of your own. Then, when you do spend time together, you will both have so much more to offer each other as adults with your own lives, beyond the already loving relationship you share.