How to be happy: Negative comparisons do not help

I have lovely adult children and a loving husband but since I was a child I obsessively compare myself unfavourably; seeing other people's success and happiness makes me feel anxious, worthless and a failure. Is there any hope I will beat this? If so, how? B.

Step 1: Your internal world seems harsh, self-judging and cruel. What messages have you internalised that condemn you so readily and deny you loving support? Think back to your childhood when many of these messages will have formed into negative core beliefs about yourself, such as being made to feel a disappointment. Were you blamed indiscriminately or repeatedly compared unfavourably with siblings? Gently remind yourself that you are no longer that child, vulnerable to crippling criticism, you are now an adult who can form a healthy and positive relationship with yourself by developing compassion.

Step 2: Comparing ourselves is one of the most psychologically self-destructive things we can do, it is also completely unrealistic. All of us are different, with a unique set of attributes, talents and values. Negative comparisons do not help us unless we use the envy they provoke to inspire us to make changes in our lives. If the people you compare yourself to have attributes that you admire and would like for yourself, try incorporating them into your own way of being.

Step 3: To begin the process of creating more compassion and understanding, write down everything you value about yourself, however trivial it might first appear. Create a picture of what gives your life meaning and what you care about. Now focus on developing those strengths. Staying identified with perceived failures will never be constructive, instead divert your attention to what is possible in your life. When you find yourself comparing destructively, remind yourself that this is both unrealistic and unhelpful. Begin to celebrate and nurture who you really are now, not who you think you should be. To reinforce this message, carry a flashcard to remind you that you do not have to listen to critical voices from your past, list all your positive qualities that you value and care about and read it whenever your mind defaults to self-condemnation.