Amol Rajan: The emails bound to do me over


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The Independent Online

The front page made me jump. "Wapping staff tried to delete thousands of emails". What, dodgy, incriminating emails to be deleted? The ones that linger on a server long after you've deleted them, unless you pay a geek to expunge them? What a great idea! I've sent a few in my time. Someone, somewhere is bound to do me over with them – unless I get a geek on the case. In fact, I think I'll do it. Here's the brief.

Start with that email I sent to the Persian girl in the Upper Sixth, when I was in the year below, saying would she like to see Nutty Professor II on Saturday, because I'd "love to get to know you better". Go on to the email to my brother where I said "I hope you've got tuberculosis after all" because he wouldn't let me watch Aston Villa beat Sheffield United. Root out and destroy the one to the manager of Surrey's Under-17 cricket side, which I sent just after he dropped me for being too fat, in which I said: "Mark my words, I'll make you regret this," and offered a bet of £100 that I'd be playing for England by the time I'm 22.

Move on to the series of emails I sent that hot actress at my college about why multiculturalism is doomed to failure. Then work your way through all the ones to the chump in "S" staircase, where I admitted to stealing his Müllerlight yoghurts on the grounds that he was a chump.

Get rid of the one in which I told my last but four boss that my last but three boss had bad breath. Also do away with that one I wrote to my dad when I was very merry in the Caribbean last summer. Make sure the phrase "your always humble son" is gone for good. Do away with that paean to Dominique Strauss-Kahn, and that one from October where I describe my plan for newspapers in the digital age. Also delete all emails containing negative references to the Big Society, Ian Bell, beards and The Guardian.

When all that's done, give me a call, and we'll work our way through my other four email accounts. Then we'll think about Twitter. And can you delete old text messages as well?