Jake and Dinos Chapman

The brothers, whose work 'Hell' features in the Apocalypse exhibition at the Royal Academy, respond to a profile written by Paul Vallely
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The Independent Online

Our therapist says Paul Vallely's profile on our newest creative masterpiece betrays the bitter tinge of an insomniac laying awake salivating over someone else's column inches. She says the silly man is obviously speculating about a work he hasn't actually seen with his own four-eyes since he makes the mistake of assuming "It is a 28sq ft railway model-sized recreation of the Holocaust, made up of 30,000 tiny mutilated plastic soldiers arranged in the shape of a giant swastika."

Our therapist says Paul Vallely's profile on our newest creative masterpiece betrays the bitter tinge of an insomniac laying awake salivating over someone else's column inches. She says the silly man is obviously speculating about a work he hasn't actually seen with his own four-eyes since he makes the mistake of assuming "It is a 28sq ft railway model-sized recreation of the Holocaust, made up of 30,000 tiny mutilated plastic soldiers arranged in the shape of a giant swastika."

In fact only one-ninth of it is a death camp, its a reverse swastika, and we doubt there are more than 5,000 figures in total - who needs precision when its genocide or art? He's grumpy enough to quote Julian Stalin-abrash wingeing about our cynical activities when this arch-lemon has already exploited the marketability of our work by having a lovely picture of it on the cover of his funny old book! Ha ha ha! How funny is that?

Another quotational slumberer is David Lee, a Peter Fuller mini-me, happy to describe his own rubbernecking interest in spectacle in the most lascivious terms, "I am curious about their work in the same way that I would slow down to look at a car crash" - hmmm, nice. Our therapist recommends you rethink the cause/effect processes relating artists to the press which you seem unable to comprehend: if OUR antics annoy YOU then YOU shouldn't rise to them or feed US with the exposure YOU describe US as desperately craving. Its wots called tautology. But we guess P Vallely is allergic to big words - mind you he's allowed to say "diurnal"... funny that, for an insomniac.

PS we'll give you a pillow fight any night, and win.

Love, Jake and Dinos.

All spelling and punctuation is the artists' own work

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