That they'll look dreadful dressed as a nun

That the two fags on EastEnders never go to gay bars

The horrible feeling that they've answered their own classified ad

The chorus of Ooh, Ahh, Just A Little Bit

Relationships that go right

Whatever did happen to Baby Jane?

That last night's pick-up never leaves

That somewhere inside there's a teenage girl screaming to get out

Madonna's daughter: doomed, doomed, doomed

Michael Jackson's son: doomed, doomed, doomed

That the man they cruised on the Tube but who left at the next stop could have been the love of their life. Or the new love of their life, depending on individual shallowness

The success of Heathcliff

Looking as crap as the next luvved-up queen when the lights go on at the end of the night

Whether Meryl Streep and Glenn Close have ever been spotted in the same room

Ugly boy bands - they know who they are

Being unable to master the required air of piss elegance for Old Compton Street

A T-cell count under 200

Aaliyah F, Erykah Baku, Shola Ama: soul divas or anagrams?

Turning straight

Turning lesbian

Turning the key to find your lover in bed with a woman, possibly his wife

Developing an allergy to any Calvin Klein product

Straights who don't want you near their children

That the clothes they're buried in will be the ones they'll have to wear throughout eternity. Shouldn't the New Testament be clearer about this?

Coming back as Barbara Cartland

That they're never invited to be on Top

That living through three Bee Gees revivals means they must be middle- aged

Whether that poor Jennifer Aniston is condemned to wear last year's haircut forever

Madhur Jaffrey: the first Spice Girl?

Why Gay Times has a scary bald chicken on the cover every month

That black is only slimming if you're standing beside Barry White

The memory of that first forbidden kiss

Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, John Wayne (nah - just checking you were paying attention)

Never again seeing friends they've lost

That it might be best if some people actually went into the closet

Whether they're sluts. (Some tell-tale signs: your favourite band is Supertramp, your favourite shop is Next, your bank is the one that likes to say "Yes")

Reaching that time of life when they begin fancying younger blokes

That everyone else is having hotter sex

That they'll never be asked to take part in a threesome

That they run like girls

That their mask of aloof indifference never quite hides their yearning

That settling down entails believing rugs are the answer

Why Bette Davis's birthday isn't a national holiday

The state of Julia Roberts' career

That size does matter

What global mousse abuse might be doing to the upper atmosphere

That there is actually only a single record ever played at gay clubs and it's called "Thump, Thump, Thump"

That pro-tease inhibitors might prove to be a dead end

Rent boys who put up their prices to keep in line with inflation

Discovering that their drug of choice is actually Junior Aspro

Watching male strippers and wearily thinking, "Oh, no - not another beautiful body"

The three-week waiting period for the results to come back

Whether they would have made a good father

That the sensible answer to the question "What should I expect from a serious relationship?" is "At least one important piece of jewellery"

That the stars of gay pornography always, but always initiate sex with "Yeah, you like that, don't you?" Has any co-performer ever retorted, "No, but I have to put myself through the College of Business Studies somehow"?

That it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bisexual, transvestite, transsexual or trans-gendered, just as long as you look fabulous

That life will never be like an episode of Friends

The word "No"

The Pope