That the two fags on EastEnders never go to gay bars
The horrible feeling that they've answered their own classified ad
The chorus of Ooh, Ahh, Just A Little Bit
Relationships that go right
Whatever did happen to Baby Jane?
That last night's pick-up never leaves
That somewhere inside there's a teenage girl screaming to get out
Madonna's daughter: doomed, doomed, doomed
Michael Jackson's son: doomed, doomed, doomed
That the man they cruised on the Tube but who left at the next stop could have been the love of their life. Or the new love of their life, depending on individual shallowness
The success of Heathcliff
Looking as crap as the next luvved-up queen when the lights go on at the end of the night
Whether Meryl Streep and Glenn Close have ever been spotted in the same room
Ugly boy bands - they know who they are
Being unable to master the required air of piss elegance for Old Compton Street
A T-cell count under 200
Aaliyah F, Erykah Baku, Shola Ama: soul divas or anagrams?
Turning the key to find your lover in bed with a woman, possibly his wife
Developing an allergy to any Calvin Klein product
Straights who don't want you near their children
That the clothes they're buried in will be the ones they'll have to wear throughout eternity. Shouldn't the New Testament be clearer about this?
Coming back as Barbara Cartland
That they're never invited to be on Top
That living through three Bee Gees revivals means they must be middle- aged
Whether that poor Jennifer Aniston is condemned to wear last year's haircut forever
Madhur Jaffrey: the first Spice Girl?
Why Gay Times has a scary bald chicken on the cover every month
That black is only slimming if you're standing beside Barry White
The memory of that first forbidden kiss
Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, John Wayne (nah - just checking you were paying attention)
Never again seeing friends they've lost
That it might be best if some people actually went into the closet
Whether they're sluts. (Some tell-tale signs: your favourite band is Supertramp, your favourite shop is Next, your bank is the one that likes to say "Yes")
Reaching that time of life when they begin fancying younger blokes
That everyone else is having hotter sex
That they'll never be asked to take part in a threesome
That they run like girls
That their mask of aloof indifference never quite hides their yearning
That settling down entails believing rugs are the answer
Why Bette Davis's birthday isn't a national holiday
The state of Julia Roberts' career
That size does matter
What global mousse abuse might be doing to the upper atmosphere
That there is actually only a single record ever played at gay clubs and it's called "Thump, Thump, Thump"
That pro-tease inhibitors might prove to be a dead end
Rent boys who put up their prices to keep in line with inflation
Discovering that their drug of choice is actually Junior Aspro
Watching male strippers and wearily thinking, "Oh, no - not another beautiful body"
The three-week waiting period for the results to come back
Whether they would have made a good father
That the sensible answer to the question "What should I expect from a serious relationship?" is "At least one important piece of jewellery"
That the stars of gay pornography always, but always initiate sex with "Yeah, you like that, don't you?" Has any co-performer ever retorted, "No, but I have to put myself through the College of Business Studies somehow"?
That it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bisexual, transvestite, transsexual or trans-gendered, just as long as you look fabulous
That life will never be like an episode of Friends
The word "No"
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