Alexei Sayle column

Over the last couple of months I seem to have developed a strange attraction for sick and distressed animals. It started in late July when one lunchtime, returning to my house after buying a sandwich, I found a tiny kitten, its fur matted with blood, trembling on my doorstep. I took it inside, to the jealous hissing of my own cat, my wife ran up some "Kitten Found" posters on her Apple Mac, and then we took the sad little creature to the celebrity vet's in Marylebone. He confirmed that it had fallen four or five floors, presumably off the roof of our house, and kept it in overnight for observation, though it seemed relatively unharmed. "Misty's" distraught owners, having seen a poster, phoned that night. They did indeed live four or five houses up the road from us, on the top floor, and she had presumably escaped out of a window and crawled along the parapet before losing her footing 40ft above our front step. Owners and unscathed cat were reunited the next day.

Since then, I have found a lost dog called Charlie, and returned him to the hysterical neighbours of his owner, who were taking him for a walk in Highgate woods when he ran off. And I've returned a very sick lost cat called Edward to his owners after he'd collapsed in front of me in the street. I'm expecting an elephant to faint in front of me any day now.

Some of you may just regard all this as coincidence, but I reckon there is something more going on. I reckon there is a St Francis of Assisi vibe happening here - in other words, I'm being groomed to be a saint. Well, I'd just like to say to whoever is intent on making me a saint - God, presumably - hold on a minute there, bucko. Not so fast. There are a few things I'd like to sort out first.

See, I'm not your usual candidate for saintliness - a simple oyster fisherman, a dreamy gatherer of twigs or a humble hewer of sponge; no, I'm a modern media lad of the Nineties. So here are some terms and conditions which I'd like to discuss with either you, G, or your homeboy here on earth, the Pope. Rather like the Rugby Union people recognising they've got to ante up the cash, I reckon me helping you to bring the saint game into the late 20th century could benefit us both.

So, point one - beatification: "the formal process by which the title 'Blessed' is granted by the Pope to Roman Catholics of exemplary faith who are considered worthy of public veneration after their deaths". And point two - canonisation: "the culmination after a long process of inquiry whereby a deceased individual is declared a saint."

OK, so first of all, the death thing. This is a deal breaker. If I'm going to be Saint Alexei, I want to be alive to enjoy it. After all, what's the point otherwise? Second, the Roman Catholic thing. Well seeing as you, G, seem to want me to be a saint, you obviously reckon it's not a problem that I'm Jewish - I think that's very sensible of you. Considering people outside the faith for veneration increases your potential target demographic hugely, which must help in your trade war with that other firm, which we might call the Mecca Organisation. Third, the lengthy process of inquiry. Well, why bother with that? Let's just get together for a drink at the Groucho or the Chelsea Arts Club one night, and if we all get on, then let's just go for it. If you really want, maybe I could do some sort of audition - talking in Latin, that sort of stuff.

Which brings us to point three - merchandising: now, on a recent visit to Umbria, I noticed all manner of St Francis of Assisi stuff being sold in the shops - snow domes, tacky medals, propelling pencils - all with the saint's image on them. However, as far as I know, no part of the sale price of the aforementioned articles went either to Mr Assisi or to his estate. A similar situation would be unacceptable to me. What I propose is this - I would receive 23 per cent of the wholesale price of each item which has my trademarked 'Saint Alexei'' logo, plus a substantial advance on projected sales, recoupable from subsequent revenues. I would also undertake to perform miracles solely at a nominated venue - Wembley Conference Centre, perhaps - and I would be prepared to publicise these forthcoming miracles by going on The Big Breakfast, doing phone interviews with Radio 1, etc.

So that's my proposal, G. Fax me. OK? But in the meantime, don't send me any more sick animals, because I won't touch 'em until we've agreed terms.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Arts and Entertainment
musicOfficial chart could be moved to accommodate Friday international release day
Sport
Wes Brown is sent-off
football
News
i100
Sport
Italy celebrate scoring their second try
six nations
Sport
Glenn Murray celebrates scoring against West Ham
footballWest Ham 1 Crystal Palace 3
Arts and Entertainment
Drake continues to tease ahead of the release of his new album
music
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Bookkeeper / Office Co-ordinator

    £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This role is based within a small family run ...

    Recruitment Genius: Designer - Print & Digital

    £28000 - £32000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This Design and marketing agenc...

    Recruitment Genius: Quantity Surveyor

    £46000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This property investment firm are lookin...

    Recruitment Genius: Telesales / Telemarketing Executive - OTE £30k / £35k plus

    £18000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company specialises provid...

    Day In a Page

    The Last Word: For the good of the game: why on earth don’t we leave Fifa?

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    For the good of the game: why on earth don’t we leave Fifa?
    HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

    Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

    Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?
    How we must adjust our lifestyles to nature: Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch

    Time to play God

    Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch where we may need to redefine nature itself
    MacGyver returns, but with a difference: Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman

    MacGyver returns, but with a difference

    Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman
    Tunnel renaissance: Why cities are hiding roads down in the ground

    Tunnel renaissance

    Why cities are hiding roads underground
    'Backstreet Boys - Show 'Em What You're Made Of': An affectionate look at five middle-aged men

    Boys to men

    The Backstreet Boys might be middle-aged, married and have dodgy knees, but a heartfelt documentary reveals they’re not going gently into pop’s good night
    Crufts 2015: Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?

    Crufts 2015

    Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?
    10 best projectors

    How to make your home cinema more cinematic: 10 best projectors

    Want to recreate the big-screen experience in your sitting room? IndyBest sizes up gadgets to form your film-watching
    Manchester City 1 Barcelona 2 player ratings: Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man?

    Manchester City vs Barcelona player ratings

    Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man at the Etihad?
    Arsenal vs Monaco: Monaco - the making of Gunners' manager Arsene Wenger

    Monaco: the making of Wenger

    Jack Pitt-Brooke speaks to former players and learns the Frenchman’s man-management has always been one of his best skills
    Cricket World Cup 2015: Chris Gayle - the West Indies' enigma lives up to his reputation

    Chris Gayle: The West Indies' enigma

    Some said the game's eternal rebel was washed up. As ever, he proved he writes the scripts by producing a blistering World Cup innings
    In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare and murky loyalties prevails

    In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare

    This war in the shadows has been going on since the fall of Mr Yanukovych
    'Birdman' and 'Bullets Over Broadway': Homage or plagiarism?

    Homage or plagiarism?

    'Birdman' shares much DNA with Woody Allen's 'Bullets Over Broadway'
    Broadchurch ends as damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

    A damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

    Broadchurch, Series 2 finale, review
    A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower: inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

    Inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

    A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower