auntie ag & uncle ony

My girlfriend is extremely beautiful with long dark hair and a fabulous figure. Whenever we have sex she always wants to dress up in fancy lingerie - lace bodies, leather bikinis and so on, and starts pouting and disporting herself in various poses. The trouble is it just feels like I'm supposed to be admiring her. I don't feel as if she fancies me or really wants to make love with me.

Jerome, Wakefield

Uncle Ony: I think I would need to know more about your girlfriend, and the outfits and poses she adopts before I could really begin to help. If you would like to write in more detail, perhaps with a photograph, I would be happy to send you an in-depth confidential reply.

Aunty Ag: Darling, do ignore Ony - so sick it is almost tragic. Next time she starts posing around, slip a large mirror into your place when she's looking away, leave the room and fix yourself a scotch. When she comes looking for you tell her - with a certain gravelly affection - she's a vain little bitch and roughly overpower her. If that doesn't jolt her out of her narcissistic trip you might be better off with someone a little less stunningly self-obsessed.

My boyfriend recently chucked me. I was devastated - particularly since, although we sometimes rowed because he was inconsiderate, I had done everything I could for him; cooking him lovely meals, buying him surprises, noticing if he had a button off his shirt and sewing it back on. I have found out that he is seeing another girl who is a real lazy cow. I can't see the point of being helpful or kind any more.

Charlotte, Bath

Uncle Ony: Your problem is "school matron" or "housekeeper" syndrome: giving in order to control. You need to work on your self- esteem, and learn to truly believe that you are worthy to be loved before you can truly love.

Aunty Ag: Angel - you must try not to be sad but grateful because you have learned a very important rule in life. Never run round after men, then resent them and tell them off - they can't stand it. It is much more fun to do exactly what you want while making them feel Iike divine sex- gods. The one time you do feel like cooking their supper they'll be falling over themselves with gratitude and dying to buy you darling little trinkets in Tiffany's boxes.

I have been going out with my boyfriend Will for two years and although he is keen to have sex I am a Christian and would rather wait until we are married. But I have started to have a recurring dream where I am underwater in a deep warm sea and see a beautiful nuclear submarine speeding towards me which suddenly turns into a whale, and bursts to the surface sending out a beautiful white plume of water. I have never had such a dream before and cannot understand it.

Alison, Devon.

Uncle Ony: I am sure you do not need me to tell you that the symbol of Christianity is the fish and in dream interpretation water represents the subconscious. The submarine is your sense of inner authority and purpose, which is shortly to emerge from your subconscious ready to spread the Christian message.

Aunty Ag: Urm. I'm not sure I quite agree with Uncle Ony here, Alison. The marvellous thing about dreams is that they sometimes tell us things we really feel but won't admit to ourselves. If the dream comes again why not discuss the the submarine and whale with Will and perhaps have another tiny little think about whether you really want to wait until you're married?

I am a backbench Labour MP. One of my front teeth is a crown I had done years ago and - frankly - it's a fright: too large so it overlaps, completely the wrong shade (practically buttercup yellow), a nightmare to floss. The trouble is, my dentist will not replace it on the National Health - she says its perfectly serviceable. I mean I know I can bite on the stupid thing but that's hardly the point. I could have it done privately (pounds 400), but what if John Prescott finds out?

Name withheld

Uncle Ony: How interesting that an ethical conflict between socialism and elitism should be taking place in your mouth. Think what pounds 400 could do for those who have no teeth at all if you were to donate it to the NHS. Your question is not just "Am I in the right party?" but "Should I be in politics at all?"

Aunty Ag: (Ignore him: completely insane). Your dentist is the problem, angel. Does the phrase "Psychological damage" mean nothing to her? Shop, shop, shop around till you find someone in the NHS who understands how your pysche is being destroyed. If all else fails, pop on dark glasses, headscarf and an assumed name, slip down to Harley Street and have it done so you can get on with your work, darling, of saving the country and the lovely poor people.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
News
Tangerine Dream Edgar Froese
people
News
Rob Lowe
peopleRob Lowe hits out at Obama's snub of Benjamin Netanyahu
News
Davies (let) says: 'Everybody thought we were having an affair. It was never true!'
people'Our friendship flourished online. You can share some very revelatory moments at four in the morning…'
Arts and Entertainment
Over their 20 years, the band has built a community of dedicated followers the world over
music
News
Staff assemble outside the old City Road offices in London
mediaThe stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century at Britain's youngest paper
Life and Style
The Oliver twins, Philip and Andrew, at work creating the 'Dizzy' arcade-adventure games in 1988
techDocumentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry
Arts and Entertainment
Krall says: 'My hero player-singer is Elton John I used to listen to him as a child, every single record
music
News
Friends for life … some professionals think loneliness is more worrying than obesity
scienceSocial contact is good for our sense of wellbeing - but it's a myth that loneliness kills, say researchers
Arts and Entertainment
The Wu-Tang Clan will sell only one copy of their album Once Upon A Time In Shaolin
musicWu-Tang Clan and The Sexual Objects offer fans a chance to own only copies of their latest albums
News
i100
Environment
Number so freshwater mussels in Cumbria have plummeted from up to three million in the 20th century to 500,000
environment
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Austen Lloyd: Private Client Solicitor - Oxford

    Excellent Salary : Austen Lloyd: OXFORD - REGIONAL FIRM - An excellent opportu...

    Austen Lloyd: Clinical Negligence Associate / Partner - Bristol

    Super Package: Austen Lloyd: BRISTOL - SENIOR CLINICAL NEGLIGENCE - An outstan...

    Recruitment Genius: Sales Consultant - Solar Energy - OTE £50,000

    £15000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Fantastic opportunities are ava...

    Recruitment Genius: Compute Engineer

    Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A Compute Engineer is required to join a globa...

    Day In a Page

    Iraq invasion 2003: The bloody warnings six wise men gave to Tony Blair as he prepared to launch poorly planned campaign

    What the six wise men told Tony Blair

    Months before the invasion of Iraq in 2003, experts sought to warn the PM about his plans. Here, four of them recall that day
    25 years of The Independent on Sunday: The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century

    25 years of The Independent on Sunday

    The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century
    Homeless Veterans appeal: 'Really caring is a dangerous emotion in this kind of work'

    Homeless Veterans appeal

    As head of The Soldiers' Charity, Martin Rutledge has to temper compassion with realism. He tells Chris Green how his Army career prepared him
    Wu-Tang Clan and The Sexual Objects offer fans a chance to own the only copies of their latest albums

    Smash hit go under the hammer

    It's nice to pick up a new record once in a while, but the purchasers of two latest releases can go a step further - by buying the only copy
    Geeks who rocked the world: Documentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry

    The geeks who rocked the world

    A new documentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry
    Belle & Sebastian interview: Stuart Murdoch reveals how the band is taking a new direction

    Belle & Sebastian is taking a new direction

    Twenty years ago, Belle & Sebastian was a fey indie band from Glasgow. It still is – except today, as prime mover Stuart Murdoch admits, it has a global cult following, from Hollywood to South Korea
    America: Land of the free, home of the political dynasty

    America: Land of the free, home of the political dynasty

    These days in the US things are pretty much stuck where they are, both in politics and society at large, says Rupert Cornwell
    A graphic history of US civil rights – in comic book form

    A graphic history of US civil rights – in comic book form

    A veteran of the Fifties campaigns is inspiring a new generation of activists
    Winston Churchill: the enigma of a British hero

    Winston Churchill: the enigma of a British hero

    A C Benson called him 'a horrid little fellow', George Orwell would have shot him, but what a giant he seems now, says DJ Taylor
    Growing mussels: Precious freshwater shellfish are thriving in a unique green project

    Growing mussels

    Precious freshwater shellfish are thriving in a unique green project
    Diana Krall: The jazz singer on being friends with Elton John, outer space and skiing in Dubai

    Diana Krall interview

    The jazz singer on being friends with Elton John, outer space and skiing in Dubai
    Pinstriped for action: A glimpse of what the very rich man will be wearing this winter

    Pinstriped for action

    A glimpse of what the very rich man will be wearing this winter
    Russell T Davies & Ben Cook: 'Our friendship flourished online. You can share some very revelatory moments at four in the morning…'

    Russell T Davies & Ben Cook: How we met

    'Our friendship flourished online. You can share some very revelatory moments at four in the morning…'
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef serves up his favourite Japanese dishes

    Bill Granger's Japanese recipes

    Stock up on mirin, soy and miso and you have the makings of everyday Japanese cuisine
    Michael Calvin: How we need more Eric Cantonas to knock some sense into us

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    How we need more Eric Cantonas to knock some sense into us