auntie ag

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Let's Talk About Sex With Me

My girlfriend recently read a feature on sex in the Nineties and is now complaining that our sex life is completely old-fashioned and inadequate and repressed. She has never complained before; we have been together six years and I thought we were happy.

Ben, Chalfont St Giles

Auntie Ag: Tsk! These ridiculous articles on sex have a lot to answer for, angel. I'm sure you are very happy - you have to prove it by giving your girlfriend just what she wants. When she gets in from work tomorrow, greet her stark naked and swathed in clingfilm, swinging from the shower rail, accompanied by the neighbour's dog with a rose between its teeth: up-to-the-minute, liberated and very Nineties, darling. A few days of this and she'll be bloody well pleading with you to get into bed and turn off the lights.

THIS OLD HEART OF MINE

We're both in our early sixties; I'm a widow and he lives with his wife, separate bedrooms (I know this is true). He is an old friend of mine. I moved to my own flat recently and when he's in London he visits me and we sleep together. It's good, the only thing I don't like is his pot belly! I don't think my family would be shocked, though I haven't told them, and it's only once-in-a-few-months-ish. My worry is that he's quite a one for the ladies (or was in his younger days). Should I worry if he visits another "friend" from the past or switches from me to a new one? I'm playing it cool at the moment, but if it goes on a year or two I'd be upset if it then ended. Is he using me and my convenient address, and should I worry if he is, as I enjoy the visits? And should I worry about his wife, though she knows of his "old" liaisons and still lives with him?

Marilyn, Hackney

Auntie Ag: Well, angel, for most people I'd say you were playing with fire, but you seem to know this man well enough to see the situation clearly and be open-eyed about the long-term possibilities. But you're right to be wary. Carry on seeing him as long as you are enjoying it, but keep your eyes open for other companions. It sounds like you wouldn't lack for company if you chose to seek it out. As for the wife, this is dodgy ground. Just because she knows about his previous amours doesn't mean she approved.

NOTHIN' GOIN' ON BUT THE RENT

I have moved into a nice little block of flats, together with a friend of mine (also female). The arrangement is emphatically one of flat-sharing and nothing more. But two of our neighbours are gay men who are living together and they have somehow just assumed that we are gay, too. We don't mind so much, but recently they introduced us to another set of new people who were moving in as "our dyke neighbours". It was all done with great affection, but if this goes on, everyone will be thinking we are a couple when we're not.

Marianne, Tilbury

Auntie Ag: Oh, darling, I think your neighbours sound rather sweet. If you're sure you don't mind the misunderstanding, just let the true situation filter gently through to everyone in the fullness of time. I just hope they aren't too embarrassed when they realise their mistake.

NO MORE MR ICE GUY

I have a very embarrassing problem with my son who is five. He is currently very keen on having ice in his drinks, but when he's finished his juice, he sucks in the ice and spits it back into the glass with a lot of saliva. I have told him that this is babyish and unpleasant behaviour, but he persists, even when we have guests.

Margaret, Nuneaton

Auntie Ag: How simply ghastly for your guests to have to be party to this dribble exhibitionism. Why don't you just take his glass and ice cubes away?

MONEY TOO TIGHT TO MENTION

I am worried that my shopping addiction is taking over my life. I can barely afford a tin of beans let alone this month's copy of Vogue, my shopping focus has distracted me from acquiring a wealthy young man and applications to my bank manager have been unsuccessful. Please help me, before I attempt to liberate some rose-print frocks from Dolce e Gabbana and end up in nasty prison-issue dungarees.

Christine, London E2

Auntie Ag: First of all, don't worry, angel, there is absolutely no such thing as an unhealthy addiction to shopping. It's natural to want lots of pretty things (rose-print frocks are an excellent choice for this summer). But don't resort to stealing. Surely you must already have a wardrobe full of stunning clothes that you can use to entice someone with a credit card? Shopping is a wonderful experience in itself, but sometimes you really have to use it as a means to an end, darling. Get those dresses working and they will generate the means to buy more!

HANGING ON THE TELEPHONE

I've just had my phone bill and it's enormous, but I love chatting and can never really get into my stride when I'm calling from the office phone.

Chloe, St Ives

Auntie Ag: Always phone your friends when you know they're not in and leave messages on their answerphones so they call you back. Old trick, angel, but this way it will go on their bills.

TRAVELLIN' LIGHT

What's the best way to lose a stone before I go on holiday?

Richenda, Buxton

Auntie Ag: Eat less, darling.

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