Auntie ag

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HERE'S LOOKING AT EWE

A couple of weeks ago I wrote to you about my husband wanting to keep sheep. You came up with a plan about me subtly suggesting he had a "thing" about sheep, and that we should go to a petting zoo to help him work through the problem. It worked an absolute treat until today. He got back from London late last night and when I opened the curtains this morning there was an exotic looking sheep in the garden with an aquamarine bow on its head. He seemed really surprised at my horrified reaction and said he thought from everything I'd said that I understood. He said the sheep was called Lola, he'd met her on a shooting weekend with some chaps from the city, and she's very intelligent. He denies that they've slept together but says that he loves her and is not prepared to carry on living with me without her. I don't know where to turn and am practically suicidal.

Fiona, Gloucestershire

AUNTIE AG: Darling! Don't panic! The best place you can possibly have that sheep is right under your nose where you can make sure she's looking at her most unattractive whenever your husband is around. Leave it about a week then "discover" the ghastly creature has fleas and will have to be sheared then make sure she gets a really unflattering radical cut, liberally dotted with mud and droppings. Be sure to discuss "Lola's" worming problems at every possible turn, encouraging your husband to examine her droppings every night, at the same time being at your most seductive looking and fragrant. I'm sure you'll soon find Lola's allure becoming a little tarnished.

PASS THE SICKBAG

A friend of mine acquired a very rich, successful boyfriend about 18 months ago. She now lives with him and spends her whole time rushing about having the most marvellous time. I know it is always unpleasant when things go well for other people, but she makes it worse by screening all her calls and not returning them, and behaving as though she's doing me some huge favour whenever she makes time to see me. Once a week we all go round to a mutual friend's and they always pick me up at eight o'clock. She has taken to asking me to wait out in the street for them so they don't have to get out of the car.

Amelia, Durham

AUNTIE AG: Darling! You can't stand waiting for lifts in the street: people might think you're waiting for a bus or something. I suggest you point this out to the silly bloody bitch, and don't have any more of this patronising nonsense. If she doesn't return your calls stop making them, and if she can't be bothered to ring the doorbell, drive yourself or take a taxi. She's clearly got completely carried away with herself, in a ludicrous manner, and it's your duty as a friend to keep well out of her way and have yourself a bloody good time till she comes to her senses.

QUIETEN DOWN PLEASE

Whenever we're having sex and my boyfriend comes he makes a really horrible noise. Quite apart from the embarrassment of the people downstairs hearing I find it repulsive and am sure it is a sort of affectation. It's started to ruin our sex life because I don't want him to get to the point where he makes the noise.

Debbie, Darlington

AUNTIE AG: Goodness me, what a fuss! Just say "Could you not make that noise when you come, please?" and have done with the matter.

COURTING DISASTER

My husband is rather well known and has been invited to dinner (with me) by the Duchess of York. Even though he has been slagging her off for years, he has accepted the invitation on behalf of both of us. I think it's the most hypocritical thing I've ever heard and can't bear the idea of going, and getting sucked into some hideous, fawning, Duchess of York court. The trouble is, the idea of him going without me and sucking up to her is more unbearable still. What shall I do?

Rebecca, London SW2

AUNTIE AG: You have to knock it on the head immediately. Say you've had a phone call from Princess Diana inviting you both to dinner on the same night, that you took the liberty of accepting as you were sure he would prefer it, and offer to cancel Fergie for him. Then, three days before the "engagement" say Diana's office called to say she's had to cancel because she's gone on a last-minute mine clearing mission by which point it'll be far too embarrassing to get back to Fergie and you can cook spaghetti for some real friends in the kitchen.

Why don't girls know when their periods are going to start? My girlfriend must have been having periods for about 20 years now, yet every month it seems to take her by complete surprise, and we're constantly getting into hideously embarrassing situation where I'm having to walk behind her to the loos in restaurants because she's wearing a white skirt, then rush out and buy her a new one.

Ian, Manchester

AUNTIE AG: Because they've got far more important things to think about, you stupid boy. Besides such things are impossible to predict to the exactly day let alone moment and you only need to consider how difficult men find it to remember a simple birthday once a year to imagine how difficult it is. If you find it such a trial being required to give a modicum of support and assistance, think what a fuss you'd make if you actually had a period. Honestly - men! You don't bloody well know you're born, do you?

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