I am writing to you from my honeymoon in Antigua. We had a fairy-tale wedding till the Best Man's speech. He took it into his head to catalogue all the people we'd both slept with. On my list was a friend of my husband's whom he didn't know about. It was also clear I'd slept with this guy (it was only a drunken one night stand) during the time my husband and I were together because neither of us knew him before. He went all moody on the wedding night and wouldn't tell me what was the matter. He sulked till day three when I finally prised it out of him and we had an enormous row, and he's been odd with me ever since. We haven't had sex at all since the wedding 10 days ago. We're going home in four days, and the thought of starting our married life like this is just unbelievably depressing.
Kate, Half Moon Bay Club, Antigua
AUNTIE AG: Abso-bloody-lutely, darling. Nightmare scenario - but it's insane to sulk in Antigua. The Best Man must be punished on your return if not before (can't you think of a way to ruin his relationship by fax?). Your husband is obviously feeling his manhood has been undermined. The only thing to do is to get him drunk, tell him you only slept with the other guy to check what you knew to be true: that your husband is the most fantastic lay ever, that the other bloke confirmed your view - then tell him you're been driven wild with suppressed lust, that no other man will ever satisfy you, and shag him senseless.
I live in a mews with more residents than residents' parking places. The people next door have adopted the space outside their house as their own, leave dustbins there when they're out and incredibly stroppy notes on your windscreen if you ever dare to park there. It drives me mad. How can I stop them!
AUNTIE AG: Oh please don't try. The world is full of mad people and you'll only end up as screwed up and small minded as they are. Just park somewhere else.
TAKING THE BISCUIT: PART ONE
I recently started work as a fairly senior partner in an accountancy firm. It is a good job and I am paid a huge amount of money, but when it is coffee time they always hand round biscuits and no one offers one to me. Then at lunch time everyone goes off together and no one asks me to come.
AUNTIE AG: I think I'm going to cry. I can't bear the thought of you sitting there with a huge salary and no friends or biscuits. What you must do is go to the shop and buy some very, very nice biscuits indeed - chocolate Hob Nobs, perhaps, or those Cadbury's chocolate-coated wafers with orange in. Then when it is coffee time hand one round to everyone in a friendly way. I'm sure you'll soon find them offering biscuits back to you, and before you know where you are one of them might ask you to come along at lunchtime!
TAKING THE BISCUIT: PART TWO
In our office we have a biscuit jar. It all works out quite well informally, with people just buying a new packet as and when we run out apart from one girl who is incredibly greedy with the biscuits but never buys any herself. It really makes me furious and is completely spoiling my pleasure in the biscuits. I mean surely the whole thing of biscuits is to enjoy them, not for people to be mean with them.
AUNTIE AG: Blimey, darling. You must be careful because this seems the sort of biscuit-based situation which could simmer for months then explode into something really quite dangerous. Why not take the greedy-but-mean biscuit girl on one side, and say you'd noticed she never bought any biscuits like everyone else and thought it must be really embarrassing for her and wondered if she was hard up if she would like you to lend her some biscuit money. You might find she didn't even realise the biscuits were bought by everyone in turn, and thought they came out of some kind of biscuit fund set up by the company, or legacy left by a former employee, now deceased, who was a keen biscuit-lover.
How do you stick to diets? I've just realised I've been on a diet for 14 years and lost a total of two pounds.
AUNTIE AG: One doesn't, darling: it's impossible and anyway it means you can't eat what you want, like lots of biscuits.
SOON, DARLING, SOON
I have written to you twice before about this guy at work I am crazy about. The first time was because he asked me out for a drink, I got drunk and made a pass at him which he charmingly rejected. The second was to see if it was OK to carry on flirting. You said it was good to flirt but I had to leave it to him to make the actual moves, and not to ask him out or anything. It is going really well, he is always coming to talk to me, I'm always catching him looking at me across the office and he often asks me to come to the canteen for a cup of tea but he never asks me out outside the building. It's been going on for two months now and is getting incredibly frustrating. Don't you think I could ask him out now?
AUNTIE AG: Absolutely not, darling. Hold hard. Keep yourself going by imagining how thrilling it's going to be when all that pent-up passion you're whipping up to a frenzy in him finally bursts to the surface.Reuse content