auntie ag and uncle ony

WILLY WON'T HE?

I have been seeing this fab guy for four years and, to be quite frank, our relationship is based on (great) sex. He doesn't want more, but I'm no spring chicken, and now this isn't enough for me. Should I continue sleeping with him until someone more deserving comes along? It's doing my head in.

Nat, London W1

UNCLE ONY: Once again, low self- esteem rears its ugly head. If I had pounds 1 for every case of it I've seen, I'd have pounds 237 by now. You are afraid of losing this "fab guy" if you tell him you want more. Start by strengthening and fortifying your self-esteem with positive affirmations. Stand in front of the mirror each morning, gaze deep into your own eyes, and repeat aloud, "I am an attractive, loving woman who deserves a deep relationship that will bring me lasting happiness". Then lay your cards on the table. If he is prepared to meet you half-way, all well and good. If he runs for the hills, then at least your dithering will be resolved, and your self-esteem will (hopefully) be sufficiently bolstered for you to cope with the rejection.

AUNTIE AG: I think your concern about your age is a bit of a red herring, angel. You say you are no spring chicken, but youth itself is no guarantee of attractiveness; there are some bloody grim 22-year-olds out there. I think you are worried that this relationship will stop you finding someone "more deserving", which is very sweet - two-timing is a nasty thing to do. Stepping into the unknown is scary and great sex should never be sneezed at, but it sounds as though you've already had enough of the "no-strings" option. Cool things off a bit and see how you feel. That way you have the option of maintaining the status quo, darling, but also the chance to put out a few feelers for another lovely man with more than his willy technique in his favour.

A RIND OF LOVING

I recently started college and my mother has been sending me parcels of Stilton cheese wrapped up new pairs of knickers. I love Stilton and the knickers are very handy, but how can I persuade her that the two things don't go together?

Kate, Cheadle

UNCLE ONY: Your shame at your mother's gifts is symbolic of a far deeper feeling that your family will let you down socially. Think back. Have you tried to keep your parents from meeting your friends, not told them about school parents' evenings, tried to stop them picking you up after parties? Are you by chance the first to break out of the narrowing confines of Cheadle and soar into the heady stratosphere of further education? You need to re-explore your whole relationship with your family, under the guidance of a trained psychologist, or I foresee grave danger of estrangement ahead.

AUNTIE AG: Angel, I don't see quite why the knickers and Stilton don't go together. If your mum knows that your underwear drawer is depleted and your grant won't stretch to the delicacies you love, surely they are the perfect combination. I think it's a tiny bit ungrateful of you to sniff at her gifts. After all, you can always wash the knicks before wearing them.

GEARS BEFORE BEDTIME

I am convinced my husband loves his mountain bike more than me. At first his enthusiasm to spend Sunday afternoons off-road was a source of amusement - we even nicknamed his bike Camilla "because there are three of us in this marriage". But now I've noticed him whispering sweet nothings to it and he's started insisting on keeping it at the bottom of our bed.

Margot, Sheffield

UNCLE ONY: I'm afraid that this is very serious, Margot. His "love" for his mountain bike, a potent escape-symbol, is a very clear signal that he wants to be elsewhere, and if he is keeping "Camilla" at the foot of his bed, it shows he doesn't even want to sleep with you; he is keeping a potential escape close at hand. Send him off for a prolonged course of deep analysis if you want to save your marriage.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, what a lot of tosh, Ony, the most likely explanation is that there is some kind of big competition coming up, the silly man has been reading some kind of sports psychology nonsense and is simply trying to gear up mentally as well as physically. Bikes in bedrooms are not on, darling. Puncture his inner tubes, and keep puncturing, until Camilla goes back into the shed.

STOP WINING

When I was young, free and single, I used to drink a fair amount, but since I have had a baby, I now rarely go out or drink at all. I keep reading that alcohol is good for you and have become very worried that I don't drink enough to keep my heart in good order.

Louisa, London W12

UNCLE ONY: This is a clear case of Paradise Syndrome - people who have nothing whatsoever wrong with them actually start subconsciously worrying because everything is going too well. It is quite possible to buy the active, healthy-heart ingredients in red wine in tablet form, but I don't recommend it, because even if you do, you will just find some other hook on which to hang your fundamental insecurity about being perfectly healthy.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, really, angel, if you're that bothered, why don't you have a couple of glasses of wine each evening after the baby's asleep? People do drink wine with supper, you know, it's actually quite the done thing. (Ony, can we stick to people with real problems in future?)

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Arts and Entertainment
Buttoned up: Ryan Reynolds with Helen Mirren in ‘Woman in Gold’
filmFor every box-office smash in his Hollywood career, there's always been a misconceived let-down. Now he says it's time for a reboot
News
people
News
Actress Julianne Moore wins the Best Actress in a Leading Role Award for 'Still Alice' during the 87th Annual Academy Awards in Hollywood, California
people
Sport
Ross Barkley
footballPaul Scholes says it's time for the Everton playmaker to step up and seize the England No 10 shirt
News
'We will fix it': mice in the 1970s children’s programme Bagpuss
science
Life and Style
2 Karl Lagerfeld and Choupette
fashion
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Executive

    £18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

    Recruitment Genius: Retail Buyer / Ecommerce Buyer

    £30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Working closely with the market...

    Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - CAD Software Solutions Sales

    £20000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A reputable company, famed for ...

    Ashdown Group: Client Accountant Team Manager - Reading

    Negotiable: Ashdown Group: The Ashdown Group has been engaged by a highly resp...

    Day In a Page

    War with Isis: Iraq declares victory in the battle for Tikrit - but militants make make ominous advances in neighbouring Syria's capital

    War with Isis

    Iraq declares victory in the battle for Tikrit - but militants make make ominous advances in neighbouring Syria
    Scientists develop mechanical spring-loaded leg brace to improve walking

    A spring in your step?

    Scientists develop mechanical leg brace to help take a load off
    Peter Ackroyd on Alfred Hitchcock: How London shaped the director's art and obsessions

    Peter Ackroyd on Alfred Hitchcock

    Ackroyd has devoted his literary career to chronicling the capital and its characters. He tells John Walsh why he chose the master of suspense as his latest subject
    Ryan Reynolds interview: The actor is branching out with Nazi art-theft drama Woman in Gold

    Ryan Reynolds branches out in Woman in Gold

    For every box-office smash in Ryan Reynolds' Hollywood career, there's always been a misconceived let-down. It's time for a rethink and a reboot, the actor tells James Mottram
    Why Robin Williams safeguarded himself against a morbid trend in advertising

    Stars safeguard against morbid advertising

    As film-makers and advertisers make increasing posthumous use of celebrities' images, some stars are finding new ways of ensuring that they rest in peace
    The UK horticulture industry is facing a skills crisis - but Great Dixter aims to change all that

    UK horticulture industry facing skills crisis

    Great Dixter manor house in East Sussex is encouraging people to work in the industry by offering three scholarships a year to students, as well as generous placements
    Hack Circus aims to turn the rule-abiding approach of TED talks on its head

    Hack Circus: Technology, art and learning

    Hack Circus aims to turn the rule-abiding approach of TED talks on its head. Rhodri Marsden meets mistress of ceremonies Leila Johnston
    Sevenoaks is split over much-delayed decision on controversial grammar school annexe

    Sevenoaks split over grammar school annexe

    If Weald of Kent Grammar School is given the go-ahead for an annexe in leafy Sevenoaks, it will be the first selective state school to open in 50 years
    10 best compact cameras

    A look through the lens: 10 best compact cameras

    If your smartphone won’t quite cut it, it’s time to invest in a new portable gadget
    Paul Scholes column: Ross Barkley played well against Italy but he must build on that. His time to step up and seize that England No 10 shirt is now

    Paul Scholes column

    Ross Barkley played well against Italy but he must build on that. His time to step up and seize that England No 10 shirt is now
    Why Michael Carrick is still proving an enigma for England

    Why Carrick is still proving an enigma for England

    Manchester United's talented midfielder has played international football for almost 14 years yet, frustratingly, has won only 32 caps, says Sam Wallace
    Tracey Neville: The netball coach who is just as busy as her brothers, Gary and Phil

    Tracey Neville is just as busy as her brothers, Gary and Phil

    The former player on how she is finding time to coach both Manchester Thunder in the Superleague and England in this year's World Cup
    General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

    The masterminds behind the election

    How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
    Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

    Machine Gun America

    The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
    The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

    The ethics of pet food

    Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?