auntie ag and uncle ony

WILLY WON'T HE?

I have been seeing this fab guy for four years and, to be quite frank, our relationship is based on (great) sex. He doesn't want more, but I'm no spring chicken, and now this isn't enough for me. Should I continue sleeping with him until someone more deserving comes along? It's doing my head in.

Nat, London W1

UNCLE ONY: Once again, low self- esteem rears its ugly head. If I had pounds 1 for every case of it I've seen, I'd have pounds 237 by now. You are afraid of losing this "fab guy" if you tell him you want more. Start by strengthening and fortifying your self-esteem with positive affirmations. Stand in front of the mirror each morning, gaze deep into your own eyes, and repeat aloud, "I am an attractive, loving woman who deserves a deep relationship that will bring me lasting happiness". Then lay your cards on the table. If he is prepared to meet you half-way, all well and good. If he runs for the hills, then at least your dithering will be resolved, and your self-esteem will (hopefully) be sufficiently bolstered for you to cope with the rejection.

AUNTIE AG: I think your concern about your age is a bit of a red herring, angel. You say you are no spring chicken, but youth itself is no guarantee of attractiveness; there are some bloody grim 22-year-olds out there. I think you are worried that this relationship will stop you finding someone "more deserving", which is very sweet - two-timing is a nasty thing to do. Stepping into the unknown is scary and great sex should never be sneezed at, but it sounds as though you've already had enough of the "no-strings" option. Cool things off a bit and see how you feel. That way you have the option of maintaining the status quo, darling, but also the chance to put out a few feelers for another lovely man with more than his willy technique in his favour.

A RIND OF LOVING

I recently started college and my mother has been sending me parcels of Stilton cheese wrapped up new pairs of knickers. I love Stilton and the knickers are very handy, but how can I persuade her that the two things don't go together?

Kate, Cheadle

UNCLE ONY: Your shame at your mother's gifts is symbolic of a far deeper feeling that your family will let you down socially. Think back. Have you tried to keep your parents from meeting your friends, not told them about school parents' evenings, tried to stop them picking you up after parties? Are you by chance the first to break out of the narrowing confines of Cheadle and soar into the heady stratosphere of further education? You need to re-explore your whole relationship with your family, under the guidance of a trained psychologist, or I foresee grave danger of estrangement ahead.

AUNTIE AG: Angel, I don't see quite why the knickers and Stilton don't go together. If your mum knows that your underwear drawer is depleted and your grant won't stretch to the delicacies you love, surely they are the perfect combination. I think it's a tiny bit ungrateful of you to sniff at her gifts. After all, you can always wash the knicks before wearing them.

GEARS BEFORE BEDTIME

I am convinced my husband loves his mountain bike more than me. At first his enthusiasm to spend Sunday afternoons off-road was a source of amusement - we even nicknamed his bike Camilla "because there are three of us in this marriage". But now I've noticed him whispering sweet nothings to it and he's started insisting on keeping it at the bottom of our bed.

Margot, Sheffield

UNCLE ONY: I'm afraid that this is very serious, Margot. His "love" for his mountain bike, a potent escape-symbol, is a very clear signal that he wants to be elsewhere, and if he is keeping "Camilla" at the foot of his bed, it shows he doesn't even want to sleep with you; he is keeping a potential escape close at hand. Send him off for a prolonged course of deep analysis if you want to save your marriage.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, what a lot of tosh, Ony, the most likely explanation is that there is some kind of big competition coming up, the silly man has been reading some kind of sports psychology nonsense and is simply trying to gear up mentally as well as physically. Bikes in bedrooms are not on, darling. Puncture his inner tubes, and keep puncturing, until Camilla goes back into the shed.

STOP WINING

When I was young, free and single, I used to drink a fair amount, but since I have had a baby, I now rarely go out or drink at all. I keep reading that alcohol is good for you and have become very worried that I don't drink enough to keep my heart in good order.

Louisa, London W12

UNCLE ONY: This is a clear case of Paradise Syndrome - people who have nothing whatsoever wrong with them actually start subconsciously worrying because everything is going too well. It is quite possible to buy the active, healthy-heart ingredients in red wine in tablet form, but I don't recommend it, because even if you do, you will just find some other hook on which to hang your fundamental insecurity about being perfectly healthy.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, really, angel, if you're that bothered, why don't you have a couple of glasses of wine each evening after the baby's asleep? People do drink wine with supper, you know, it's actually quite the done thing. (Ony, can we stick to people with real problems in future?)

News
people
Arts and Entertainment
Joel Edgerton, John Turturro and Christian Bale in Exodus: Gods and Kings
filmDirector said film would 'never have been financed' with ethnic minority actors in key roles
News
people
Sport
footballArsenal 2 Borussia Dortmund 0: And they can still top the group
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Arts and Entertainment
An unseen image of Kurt Cobain at home featured in the film 'Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck'
film
News
Andy Murray with his girlfriend of nine years, Kim Sears who he has got engaged to
peopleWimbledon champion announces engagement to girlfriend Kim Sears
Arts and Entertainment
Jake Quickenden and Edwina Currie are joining the I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! camp
tv
Arts and Entertainment
George Mpanga has been shortlisted for the Critics’ Choice prize
music
News
Albert Camus (left) and Jean-Paul Sartre fell out in 1952 and did not speak again before Camus’s death
people
Arts and Entertainment
Roisin, James and Sanjay in the boardroom
tvReview: This week's failing project manager had to go
News
Ed Miliband visiting the Holocaust museum in Jerusalem. The Labour leader has spoken more openly of his heritage recently
newsAttacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But are the barbs more sinister?
Arts and Entertainment
'Felfie' (2014) by Alison Jackson
photographyNew exhibition shows how female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising
News
i100
Extras
indybest
Life and Style
Fright night: the board game dates back to at least 1890
life
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Field Based Sales Surveyor - OTE £40,000

    £16000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Field Based Sales Surveyor is...

    Ampersand Consulting LLP: UI Designer/ User Interface Designer (UI, User Flow, Design)

    £6000 - £60000 per annum + Bonus and Benefits: Ampersand Consulting LLP: UI De...

    Investigo: International Finance Analyst

    £270 - £300 per annum: Investigo: An exciting opportunity to join an internati...

    Recruitment Genius: CAD / CAM Ladies Cocktail & Eveningwear Gerber Grader

    £25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

    Day In a Page

    Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

    Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

    It's in all our interests to look after servicemen and women who fall on hard times, say party leaders
    Millionaire Sol Campbell wades into wealthy backlash against Labour's mansion tax

    Sol Campbell cries foul at Labour's mansion tax

    The former England defender joins Myleene Klass, Griff Rhys Jones and Melvyn Bragg in criticising proposals
    Nicolas Sarkozy returns: The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?

    Sarkozy returns

    The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?
    Is the criticism of Ed Miliband a coded form of anti-Semitism?

    Is the criticism of Miliband anti-Semitic?

    Attacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But is the criticism more sinister?
    Ouija boards are the must-have gift this Christmas, fuelled by a schlock horror film

    Ouija boards are the must-have festive gift

    Simon Usborne explores the appeal - and mysteries - of a century-old parlour game
    There's a Good Girl exhibition: How female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising

    In pictures: There's a Good Girl exhibition

    The new exhibition reveals how female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising
    UK firm Biscuiteers is giving cookies a makeover - from advent calendars to doll's houses

    UK firm Biscuiteers is giving cookies a makeover

    It worked with cupcakes, doughnuts and macarons so no wonder someone decided to revamp the humble biscuit
    Can SkySaga capture the Minecraft magic?

    Can SkySaga capture the Minecraft magic?

    It's no surprise that the building game born in Sweden in 2009 and now played by millions, has imitators keen to construct their own mega money-spinner
    The King's School is way ahead of the pack when it comes to using the latest classroom technology

    Staying connected: The King's School

    The school in Cambridgeshire is ahead of the pack when it comes to using the latest classroom technology. Richard Garner discovers how teachers and pupils stay connected
    Christmas 2014: 23 best women's perfumes

    Festively fragrant: the best women's perfumes

    Give a loved one a luxe fragrance this year or treat yourself to a sensual pick-me-up
    Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain celebrates century with trademark display of speed and intuition

    Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund

    The Ox celebrates century with trademark display of speed and intuition
    Billy Joe Saunders vs Chris Eubank Jnr: When two worlds collide

    When two worlds collide

    Traveller Billy Joe Saunders did not have a pampered public-school upbringing - unlike Saturday’s opponent Chris Eubank Jnr
    Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Drifting and forgotten - turning lives around for ex-soldiers

    Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Turning lives around for ex-soldiers

    Our partner charities help veterans on the brink – and get them back on their feet
    Putin’s far-right ambition: Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU

    Putin’s far-right ambition

    Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU
    Tove Jansson's Moominland: What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?

    Escape to Moominland

    What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?