auntie ag and uncle ony

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SMOKE-FREE MOAN

My wife stopped smoking a couple of weeks ago and since then she has been incredibly critical of me. She is always having a go at me these days. What can I do, short of encouraging her to start up on the fags again?

Warren, Cheam

UNCLE ONY: Be supportive, Warren, hang on in there! She is recovering from what is, after all, a drug addiction; it shouldn't take more than a few months before she is back to her old self.

AUNTIE AG: Without the calming effects of nicotine, she is evidently noticing things she doesn't like about you, angel. Try to be a better person.

ON THE JOB

I am happy and successful in my work, but I have recently become overwhelmed with lust for one of my colleagues. We are both happily married and I have no intention of acting upon this crush. The problem is that my work brings me into contact with him daily and I now can't talk to him at all without wanting to drag him off to a quiet corner and separate him from his underwear. I'm afraid my carnal thoughts are beginning to be obvious to everyone.

Selina, Leicester

UNCLE ONY: Dear me, Selina. I assume from your letter that you are a mature woman; and a crush is a most immature way of expressing one's sexuality. Most people have grown out of such childish ways before they leave their teen years. Look closely at your relationship with your husband. Has it lost its sparkle, its zing, its oomph? If you channel your lust into seducing your poor old hubby all over again, you will find the crush will subside quite naturally.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, don't be such a bloody old killjoy, Ony, people have crushes all their lives - what about you and Princess Anne? Most people fancy someone in the office - it's one of the things that makes work bearable. And you can bet large amounts of money that most of your workmates harbour a similar little flame for someone sitting not far away, angel. Make a joke of the whole thing. Get your female colleagues together over a drink and compile a lust-meter for the whole company; once everyone has confessed to their secret hankerings after the head of accounts, postboy etc, there will be a lovely giggly atmosphere around your part of the office.

AND MOTHER MAKES FIVE

We took lots of Ecstasy and had group sex. Now one of the girls is pregnant and any one of the four of us could be the father. She's determined to keep the baby. What on earth do we do?

Mark, David, Sean and Andrew, Perth

UNCLE ONY: Fatherhood is an enormous responsibility, not one to be entered into in a drug-crazed haze. The whole lot of you sound completely unfit to look after a child, including the young lady (I use the term loosely) in question. Adoption is your best bet, and I hope you have all learned a jolly good lesson.

AUNTIE AG: Oh dear. This is a bit of a conundrum, angels. I'm sure you know you can't find out who is the father until after the baby is born (remember Grant and Tiffany and all that unpleasantness?) So you should all assume that you are the daddy and prepare accordingly; antenatal classes, parenting lessons, the lot, until you can be sure. If you are old enough for such shenanigans you are old enough to take some responsibility, even if whichever of you it is doesn't settle down with this poor girl. The innocent 75 per cent of you will at least have learned some useful skills and will be available for babysitting duties for whoever is the actual impregnator.

UNFAITHFULLY YOURS

I am married but some years ago I had a passionate affair. It caused havoc, not least because my lover worked with my husband. I am now entirely faithful, but I do still see my ex on the quiet. I still fancy the pants off him and we often have a snog or a bit of a grope. Snogging your old flame doesn't really count as being unfaithful, does it?

Karen, Uttoxeter

UNCLE ONY: What exactly passes for a "bit of a grope", to use your own parlance? Groping where, which bits, how hard, how persistently, under or over your clothes, to what degree of excitement? I'm afraid I cannot gauge how guilty (or not) you should feel without further information.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, darling, just suppose your husband were sneaking off after some grisly old girlfriend from the past. I'm sure even if it consisted of just a snog, let alone a grope, you might not feel too pleased. If you can say, hand on heart, you wouldn't explode with rage if the situations were reversed, then carry on with a clear(ish) conscience. If not, better stop, sweetie.

WHAM BAM TANK YOU MAM

My son Theo, who is four, won't stop thumping me with his wooden Thomas Tank. It bloody hurts, but he seems to have no idea that he is inflicting considerable pain - he really seems to enjoy hitting out.

Maria, Wrexham

UNCLE ONY: Maintain a calm and non-confrontational attitude when you reason with young Theo. Explain to him that hurting others is wrong and very naughty (perhaps remind him of a time when one of his wee playmates accidentally inflicted some damage on him). Do not be tempted to hit him back; you will only reinforce his notion that violence is acceptable.

AUNTIE AG: Calmly and non-confrontationally place Thomas Tank on the highest shelf in the toy cupboard, angel, and leave him there.

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